can't make sense of what this means

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I posted a thread a while back about a situation with a guy on the spectrum: in a nutshell, we liked each other for a year, have been desperately waiting to finally meet in person, and then he got distant and stopped talking to me.

recently, he gave somewhat of an explanation of why he is avoiding me-

he said he is scared to meet me because he sees little chance of it going well for us, so it's better if we don't.

I am so confused. Does this mean he doesn't want me anymore because he thinks we are incompatible? Or does this mean he does want me but is just scared?

I tried asking why he thinks that but he is ignoring my messages.

It's giving me anxiety to not know, because, I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. He was head over heels for me and thought we were perfect for each other for a whole year and then all of a sudden he does a 180 and says it won't work? The only way someone would drastically change their mind like that is if something happened to make them reconsider ..

Last edited by drearyday on 07 Sep 2016, 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It is pretty definite that he's scared of rejection---that he DID want you.

He's probably devastated by rejection, and has been rejected so many times in his life.

He doesn't want this to be "the straw that broke the camel's back," so to speak.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 07 Sep 2016, 1:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He withdrew.

Thanks to ambivalence, it can be both.

I think I can understand his position and decision. Have you ever so wanted something that you got so scared of it going wrong or bad or not being what or how you wanted, that you avoided it? It's that. He's taken the damage limitation option of putting a stop to it now, rather than having it all go wrong and really souring your feelings for each other.

How was (is?) his self-esteem?

Yes, this person has a low self esteem, from what I can tell.

He has always hard a hard time making friends with other males, and as for females he said he was practically incapable of making female friends until recently.

He also seems to be insecure about his intelligence because he said he is not used to being "dumber" than people, so when he found out that I did better on an assignment than him, he said he hated himself and asked why someone as smart as me likes someone as dumb as him. (I don't think this is the reason he stopped talking to me though because this happened a while ago, and he still liked me for a whole year after that).

As for appearance, he said most people don't find him attractive, but some do. And anytime I complimented his looks he said he doesn't agree but he is lucky to have me think that about him. He also saved all my compliments (bookmarked those messages).

However, once, he called me out on MY self-esteem. I once said I was worried of the possibility that he might be only interested in a casual hookup, and I might be getting the wrong idea. He said that shows low self-esteem on my part because if I believe I have a lot to offer, why would I think he would only want something casual, wouldn't I expect him to want more?

Thank you for this response. Is there any reason why you feel that it is fear of rejection rather than simply thinking I am not right for him? Because I am really worried that it is the latter, and keep thinking what I must have done wrong to change his opinion of me. If you somehow know it is not likely to be the latter, if you could share that with me it would make me feel a lot better.

Regardless of his reasons, it seems like he isn't willing to meet you in person....it's a shame, since it could very well be related to self esteem that he's passing you up. But I imagine the more you try to contact him at this point the more distant he'll become.

its hurting me to not know the reason because it is giving me self doubt. if it is due to self esteem or something personal on his end I wouldn't take it personally, but I keep getting scared it is because I did something wrong or because he found some fault with me

I know it won't help drearyday(I am familiar with this kind of anxiety), but it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. As for finding some fault with you, again, I'm sure he didn't, but the important thing is: if he found a fault with you that you don't know about (i.e. something you do not recognise as a fault), then you should know that that's his problem, not yours. It doesn't mean it won't hurt you, it just means you don't need to change for others.



I agree with sweetleaf though; this sounds like a self-esteem or confidence issue on his part. I have done what he is doing now. I have started a relationship, enjoyed getting to know the other person, exchanging compliments, flirting, talking, etc., and then decided not to commit. This was not because I did not like or respect the other person, but because I wasn't comfortable in myself enough to actually have a relationship (I've got a lot of issues besides HFA). I knew that the other person would be offended, but I didn't know what else to do, and honestly I thought that his pain would only be temporary, because he is NT and nice and had the capacity to move on, whereas mine would be permanent, because I don't think I will ever be able to have a relationship. If he has retreated into himself, he probably feels guilty for doing so; I'm sorry but he probably won't respond to your messages in this case.

this person responded by saying there is no long term potential, and that would be fine if it were a casual fling, but they thought I wanted more than that.

this is confusing to me because it doesn't explain what changed..why did they want to meet before?
-did they not realize there was no potential until recently?
-or did they always know, and they always intended on a casual fling, and thought I would be fine with it, and only recently realized I might want more...

What's a causal thing? I thought it was code for sex only but you two haven't met. 0.o I see that as option in people's profiles a lot

Were you two lmg distance?
I've only had games played with my heart long distance.

Wish I could find a girl like you.

Thanks for the compliment Nd I really don't know..casual could mean sex only, or a relationship with no future I guess. I know we haven't met, but we could start meeting regularly now. He seems to be avoiding it because he thinks there is no future, and he thinks I am not ok with casual.

I am just confused about whether this means he DID want something more than casual all along, and only recently found out there is no potential and changed his mind, or if it means he knew there was no potential all along, and thought I'd be okay with that until recently.

If anyone has insight please share,

I am really hurt that he doesn't think there is long term potential with me because it feels like he thinks I am not good enough for gf status, and there is something he dislikes in me, some flaw he found in me.

I am also really worried about why he changed his mind, worried that it's because I did something wrong that turned him off.

If I knew for sure it wasn't about me, I would feel a lot better, but I don't know that.
If it is about me, at least if I knew what my mistake was, what my flaw is, I could forgive myself and move on.

But I'm stuck here

Could be a little bit of both.
It reminds me how I broke up with my long distance boyfriend(we never actually met but we chatted daily). I used very similar words.

The problem was a lot of misunderstandings and him throwing a fit about them. For example I confessed "I have never experienced anything like I am experiencing now so the whole relationship is like one huge experiment to me" (in my opinion it was like saying "It's first time I fallen in love ever and I have no idea what to do and I don't quite understand my own feelings yet but am doing my best to figure it out") and he understood it as "He is just an experiment, a plaything for me" and got really hurt. And when we planned to met during a long weekend and he asked me when he can come and I said "I don't know yet because my friends probably also want to met during long weekend." (we talked 2 months before the long weekend so there was no precise plan yet) he said "I see" and when 2 weeks before the long weekend I asked him if he prefers to visit me on Friday or Saturday or maybe meting together my friends on Sunday he avoided answer("I don't know"), a week before the weekend he also avoided answer("I don't know.") and when two days before the long weekend I got angry and demanded an answer because I wanted to know my long weekend plan he said he thought that I prefer to met with my friends than with him so he made plans with his family instead.
He was also saying I don't talk with him enough (we talked 4-8h a day, often till late night), my answers are too short (I often didn't know what to say so I was only sending smiles or yes/no/OK/I don't know) and he was really angry that I "prefer playing a game to talking with despite me often talking with him instead of playing except for Fridays and Sundays evenings when I wanted to participate in a 2h long game event between 8 and 10PM (the game was my special interest back then).

There was a lot of situations like this. So eventually I got frustrated and decided we are not good fit because we often misunderstand each other and he was hurt easily (and when he was hurt because of me - I was hurt too, the longer we were in the relationship and the more I liked him the more it hurt and in the end I cried almost daily). I considered it my fault and I believed he will find a much better girlfriend eventually because he was a talkative NT with lots of friends, a job and a car, clean, good at cooking and cleaning, from rich family, altruistic, wanting marriage - perfect boyfriend material, right?

So I cut the relationship, knowing he won't be able to break with me given how clingy he was.

After I broke up with him he tried to get me back for a few months, saying stuff like "I love you! Please forgive me! I will get better! I will change for you!" but it only made me hate him even more, despite still loving him. He still didn't understand the reason why I broke with him - it was not something he could help. He was a perfect boyfriend for anyone who could deal with sensitive self but I wasn't the someone because I had a talent to unintentionally stepping right on his sensitive spot. I was hurting him a lot so it had to be stopped because as far as the relationship was going he was getting hurt by my nature and I was getting hurt by his reactions to being hurt which wasn't fair because I didn't intend to make him hurt.
There was no future of us unless the personality or either of us did a 180 degree turn.

You could try contacting the show Catfish & see if they will help you meet him. Meeting him is the only way to get your answers if he's ignoring you.

If you meet someone online in the future, be sure to meet them within a month of initial contact.

I met my current girlfriend a few weeks after I talked to her online. If a person doesn't show clear intention without a couple of weeks, it is best to move on. If you have suspicions that someone online is not who they say they are, trust your instinct.

The danger of online dating is that you could place the person on an unrealistic pedestal and ignore potential suitors that are much more realistic in the long run because you are focused on a relationship with someone you have never met.