Being chatted up online

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Relationships are very difficult for me as a person with Asperger's - in fact I've only ever had 2 (very short-lived) relationships (if you can even call them that!) in my whole life, and that was about 10 years ago! I'm asexual so I find that attention makes me feel uncomfortable, as I felt like these men were expecting something I couldn't give them, if you know what I mean? So since then I've been happy with being single.

Well, earlier this year, this guy started chatting me up online. We met through a Facebook comments section on a website, as we have similar political views. I clicked the Like button on one of his comments, and then the next morning he added me as a friend on Facebook. Very soon, he started chatting to me on Facebook Messenger about how he thinks I'm lovely and very pretty - he has said that to me numerous times since then. He also said he thought I was gutsy for liking his comment.

It was fairly quiet for a couple of weeks, and then he started chatting to me again on Facebook. He comes across as rather desperate at times - he started asking things like "Do I like back massages?" but I find that sort of thing very anxiety-inducing and I also found it weird he was asking me questions like that when we hardly knew each other. I think he then realised he was expecting too much, and didn't ask me any more of those sorts of questions again until this week. He asked me about a back massage again, and then today he said that we would have to go on holiday together next year "as that's the only way we'll get to know each other properly". This really freaked me out - I would be extremely nervous about going away with someone I don't know very well.

On his Facebook and Twitter pages, he only ever really talks about politics, and not much else. Even though I've been online friends with him for about 8 or 9 months now, I feel like I don't know much about him. He very rarely posts about his hobbies or friends/family, so in some ways I wonder whether he's a loner or has something to hide. He never asks me about my own hobbies or friends, either. One other weird thing about him as that each day he searches for the name of his political party (he's a member) on Twitter and if he sees anyone criticise it (even total strangers), he will answer them back, sometimes in an angry way and even if it means butting into other people's Twitter conversations.

He lives on the other side of the country to me - a few hundred miles away. He doesn't have Asperger's, but he's physically disabled and has also suffered depression on and off (I have bouts of anxiety and depression too, but it's controlled when I'm on medication). I don't think he works - well, he's never mentioned anything about work anyway. Sometimes I wonder whether he is only interested in me for the wrong reasons, or maybe he's only interested in me because he knows from my Facebook profile that I have a good job.

He said to me that he gets butterflies every single time I reply to his messages, and he has also asked me "Are you interested in me in a friendship way, or possibly more?" Can someone please tell me exactly what that means? When a guy says "possibly more" does that mean he is expecting me to sleep with him?

In spite of these weird things about him, in some ways I do like him and respect him in a way that I haven't liked a guy before. He seems very kind, and he often gets harassed online because of his political beliefs, and I admire that he stands up for what he believes in. I've told him that he can confide in me if he ever feels upset.

The other thing is - no one in my family knows I've been chatting to him online. I'm not sure my parents would approve of me chatting with guys online, as they are very protective of me. In the past, I've heard them say negative things about people who do online dating, like "How do they know the person they're meeting isn't a weirdo or dangerous?" They don't use, or even understand the internet. So I'm not sure I could ever meet up with this guy, even if I wanted to. In fact, I'm scared to tell my family about him in case they get angry with me or even tell me to delete him from my friends list. I've chatted to a few guys online over the last couple of years, but he is the only one who seems quite eager to meet me. How could I admit to my family how I feel, without them getting angry?

Anyone?

To be honest, I'm now having second thoughts. I think he's a bit too creepy and desperate. He's now threatening to unfriend me and he's disagreed with my latest Facebook post.

Last week he said it was entirely my choice whether we just be friends or be in a relationship, but when I said to just be friends until I got to know him better, he seemed agitated.

Is this normal behaviour?

He sounds passive-aggressive. Best rid of this if it is causing anxiety. The real thing causes butterflies of delight not waves of nausea.

No, it's not. Imagine this: you get together with this guy, and every time you disagree with him politically, you will end up having a fight. He will provoke these situations, and over time you will try to second guess his political opinions so as to avoid drama. After a while you are spending a ridiculous amount of energy trying not to provoke him.

And that's just the political bit. The guy doesn't seem quite stable. On the other hand, a lot of people on this forum are not quite stable, but there are different ways of being troubled. What I find freaky about him is the aggression and the urge to pick fights with perfect strangers - never mind picking fights with people he knows.

And making threats, as in threatening to unfriend you - that is classic psycho behavior. Normal people don't make threats. They either ignore it, have a discussion with you or just unfriend you without notice. They don't use threats to make you change the way you do something.

Your parents might have more insight into risk than you realise. A girl I knew was murdered by someone they knew mostly online and a little in the real world. He was a weirdo with a fetish but was able to hide that in his online persona.

Can you ask people you know in the real world to set you up on dates with people they actually know?

Thanks for the warning. I think there's definitely something not quite right about this man, even though I've been in denial about it until now.

About the political thing - not only does he argue with people online who criticise his party, he also argues with people within his party who disagree with him on policy issues. He has even blocked several people for supporting a different leadership candidate to him!

It was the thing about wanting to go away on holiday with me that really freaked me out- why would he want to see me away from all my family and friends when we hardly know each other? When he asked that, I was so stunned that I didn't answer, and a few hours later he turned funny and said "Have I offended you?" As it was late at night, I didn't see his question and that's when he threatened to unfriend me.

Is it best if I just block him on Facebook and Twitter? Or how can I tell him without offending him that I don't think he's right for me?

It's best to cut and run. Getting into further discussion will leave him with either false hope that you just need time to come round, or give him licence to further intimidate you.

I blocked him this morning on Facebook and Twitter, and I've also blocked his number on my mobile phone just in case he tries to contact me on there.

In future I'll be more careful about who I add as a Facebook friend, and I'll also remove my work details from my profile (a couple of years ago when I was doing an online course, they suggested adding your work details to your Facebook profile, so as to give a good impression that potential employers. But this could also be risky if someone could potentially turn up at your workplace - this guy lives too far away so I think it's unlikely he would try that, but it's better to be safe than sorry).

This guy has often claimed to be asexual in his Twitter and Facebook updates (not to me personally), but by the way he has spoken to me in private chats, I'm not sure whether I believe him. He could be just saying that to lull women into a false sense of security. From his status updates in the past, it seems that he has had several previous girlfriends, and he also chats up random women in his hometown when he's out and about. I recall him posting a status update saying he was upset and angry that one of these women had suddenly got up and walked away from him when he was chatting her up - this was actually a few weeks after he had started chatting me up online! Maybe that woman found him creepy, too.

Anyway, I feel a sense of relief now that I've blocked him. I think it was his compliments towards me that made me like him over the last few months, but now I realise he's probably not all he seemed to be.

I think that most women who use the internet have had this type of experience.

Best not to be walking on eggshells around someone