contented singleness

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just something i'm curious about. i don't know if i'll succeed at it, but i'll try to keep it simple

we all know that choosing not to bother with "romance" anymore is always a possible choice. whether or not it's a good one, and whether or not you'll ever get used to it, that's another story, and it really depends. okay. but that's not the same as truly not caring and not worrying about it, which can sometimes be achieved by very roundabout means, but isn't really a choice per se. and this is what i'm curious about. so:


- have you ever experienced (or are you in) a period in your life when you really didn't care that you were completely single and celibate, and really didn't care how long your singleness would last?

- if so, was it based on an aversion to the thought of being with someone else? or was there no aversion involved?


(by "short periods" i mean days or weeks, and by "long periods" i mean months or years. you can change your answer later if you want)

Age 0-13

lol i forgot to say "after puberty"

15-23 If I recall right.

and that made it more difficult for me after this human need got 'awaken'.

Didn't have anything close to a relationship before 29-30 (I don't remember the exact years).

Since last year. Came to the realization that I was looking for a relationship just for the sake of being in one. And now, I enjoy every minute of single life.

I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say I don't care about finding love, though. If it does come my way, I'll happily take it, but I've in a sense stopped worrying about (not) finding it.

I couldn't take the poll cos I have had periods both short and long and with and without aversion. The longest aversion was mostly the result of PTSD. The absence of aversion had to do with too busy career and focus on self-love in absence of self-hate, low self-esteem, high anxiety.
Introspection led to my personal conclusion that more self-hate and anxiety led to more aversion.

Even now, during my marriage, my relationship issues are deeply related to issues with my relationship with myself.

I almost never have a desire to be in a relationship unless there is a specific person I would like to be in said relationship with (i.e someone I have a crush on). And that is rare, typically there are several years in between meeting such people (last time was 5-6 years) when I'm content to be alone and consider a relationship to be an unnecessary complication to my life.

I was never interested in romance until my 1st girlfriend told me she liked me before we became boyfriend & girlfriend. I was 20 at the time. I was frustrated with people & liked being left alone in my own world.

huh, now i get what you meant when you said to "be careful, you never know when you'll start caring about it" (or something to that effect). i said that my life so far has progressed mostly in the opposite direction, and it really has. from age 11 to 21 or so, i was desperately obsessed with some girl or another most of the time, and obsessed with figuring out a way to meet / approach / get to know / get close to a girl that would feel right (all the available options felt completely wrong to me). then for the next few years i was all over the place, but eventually i started to feel happy that i was alone (not just single, but alone)

then things went downhill in various ways at once, and i got depressed and couldn't picture any future for myself. i reconnected with an old online friend from across the atlantic, which gave me some sense of existence, but then it turned out she was actually hostile to the thought of even meeting in person, despite being apparently as emotionally dependent on me as i was on her. that really messed with my head. after about half a year or so, i got used to the thought of being single forever, and decided to focus on some way to make money and maybe possibly perhaps think about looking for someone someday once i had figured out how to be financially independent

then, while i was researching possible drug treatments that might help me (adhd meds in particular), i online-met the girl who would later become my first girlfriend. i guess i drew her attention because, among other things, i didn't change my attitude after she showed me a picture of herself. to me she was still just another cool person was talking to, who i assumed i wouldn't keep hearing from much longer. then i guess she misinterpreted my suggestion of visiting her as a "next step in the relationship" kind of thing, and then later i learned that she assumed that we "were in a relationship", which took me completely by surprise

then, for 2-3 years, i was obsessed with my relationship with her (when she would let me), or with loneliness in general (and possible ways to remedy it in the present or in the future). my instinctive priorities only really started to revert back to what i understand as "my baseline" when it became clear that there was never any chance that it could have lasted with her, and that it simply wasn't up to me. that was a month or two ago. she used to say that "i wouldn't like her if i really knew her", and, as it turns out... she was right

and then, finally, a week or two ago (certainly thanks to a multitude of converging reasons), the switch flipped in my head. i even know the exact moment when it happened. now, when i think of my ex, it feels neutral. it's like the memories belong in a parallel life with no connection with this one. when i think of sex, it feels neutral. when i watch porn or see anything sexually suggestive, it's pleasant, but it doesn't make me want more than that. when i imagine the possibility of meeting someone where i'm planning to move to, i think it's nice, but so is this cheeseburger, or this video game i'm about to play

and apparently the bottom line is... if my life as it is is comfortable enough, and if there's no threat to this comfort in the foreseeable future, and if i feel like i have the actual freedom to leave my current situation at any moment if i want to, then company ceases to be an instinctive necessity, and it becomes just a potential good thing and potential bad thing like everything else, with no special priority on an emotional level

i wonder how this generalizes to populations i'm part of (humans, men, asd, adhd, etc). it feels like the ultimate purpose of having had a relationship was to get to this point, rather than the other way around. it feels like it's right

Last edited by anagram on 21 Oct 2016, 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Never have not cared, either always had someone, or wanted to.

I haven't been involved with anyone for almost two years and I'm not bothered by it. I'd like to find someone eventually, but it doesn't have to be soon. A lot of other things were going on in my life that made me unhappy (work or lack of work, family, self-esteem, etc), and that made my relationship unhappy, as well. By the time it was over I was just happy to be alone. I'd definitely say I'm happier now single than I was when I was younger and seeing someone because many other things have improved.

Meeting people takes a lot of time and energy when you get older and you're not meeting a lot of other young, often single people in school, and if you choose online dating it's even more stressful. I could deal with all that craziness, verbal abuse, stress, rejection, confusion, and running around... or I could just make myself a nice dinner in a cozy apartment, play games with some friends who love me, go to sleep and get up tomorrow to keep looking for a job in a field I'm actually happy in that doesn't make me feel sick, which I feel I'll eventually find.

I felt that way on and off when I was in high school. I think part of it might have been because I would see lots of couples cheat on each other and I didn't want to deal with that kind of stress.

I have always been single and always will be. Never had anyone, asexual, asocial, loner, prefer my own company and that's the way it will always be. Don't want anyone and need them even less. La soltera para siempre.