why is it we as Aspies have such a hard time getting dates?

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????? (I haven't had a serious date, and I'm 39 yo).

Because we don't socialize well.

What he said, but I'm gonna submit this reply anyway.

I imagine that inside my brain, there is a locked door at the end of a dark abandoned hallway, with dust and cobwebs on, and above there is a banner that says "Socializing"

because we come off as creepy.

Because our attempts at adapting to the demands placed on us by the broader NT culture re: socialization are often so bad. Case in point (from personal experience): the last girl I asked out on a date turned out to be taken. I did not know this because every time she found me sitting alone in the bar and invited me to hang out with the rest of the members of the class, we ended up comparing our experiences living in foreign countries or talking about law, things that are interesting, rather than talking about anything more "personal," which is not interesting. If I'd asked her point-blank whether she had a boyfriend (how I shudder to type that word), it would have interrupted the flow of the conversation which was inevitably comparing criminal juries in the Far East (me) to those in the Middle East (her).

I think the broader problem undergirding all of this is that we really don't respond to social cues. Or, rather, if we've learned how to respond to them at all, it's mostly book learning or observation that's devoid of any appreciation of the subtleties that NTs take for granted. A girl touches you...that means she's romantically interested, right? WRONG. And there's very little basis for me to know what she's thinking. It could be that she is, it could be that she wants to be friends, it could be that she thinks you're some sort of pitiful loner who needs to join the rest of the group, it could be that she wants to congratulate you for something (that happened to me...a girl who hadn't spoken to me for nearly three months and won't now grabbing my arm and dragging me away from everyone else because I'd just first-chaired a summary judgment hearing for the defense), it could be that she wants your help for some reason (also happened to me...my second chair holding hands with me because she wanted to get away from some creep who was hitting on her and no one else she knew was around), or it could be that she just wants you to get out of the way. You don't know, and there's no way for you to know, It's not as if anyone is carrying around a sign saying what she's really trying to do or would ever tell you outright.

"Flirting" is not an Aspie concept. And it's sad because so much of getting a serious date in this world depends on reading these subtleties. I've had, optimistically, four partners who were forthright enough to tell me exactly what they wanted. With everyone else, it was just guessing.

For the girls I've somehow awkwardly shown that I liked them, they're always taken. And then I'm really embarrassed.

And not many girls think learning languages is sexy, let alone interesting at all.

Last edited by dunbots on 10 Jan 2011, 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Is there a dating service for Aspies and Auties. Something like E-Harmony but for strange kinds of people.

ruveyn

Yes there is, here.

Maybe it's because, some of us, don't try to secure dates with people? We don't hand our phone numbers out to random scroungers and don't want to go out with just anyone. We want to be with someone who is compatible or what's the point in dating? It's not always easy finding a compatible person. My standards are unrealistically high

Cool Not that I need it. I have been married to an NT for 54 years.

ruvyen

Well I'd say it's more along the lines of social cues. The "hints" that NTs give off about them liking someone, which would be obvious to other NTs, are impossible to read by us.

There is quite a lot about the dating ritual that is difficult to fathom.

It's because socializing is about communication, and communication is all about timing. Sometimes I have problems with the rate of disclosure. Just as you wouldn't tell a girl about kinky fetishes on the first date, sometimes I go into my rants about nothing right away, and this scares people off. If I save that stuff for later, then it's fine.

@dunbots

Hell, I speak six languages and I've been trying to learn Irish, which is useless and really hard. It's all in the way that you use it. The problem is that once your average NT girl gets past "say something to me in Japanese [or whatever]," she's on to something else which is usually not that interesting and usually not that pleasant to talk about.

The earlier poster is right in that we may tend to reveal too much personal information right off the bat because, again, these social cues are mysterious. Probably no one needed to know that #1 broke my heart so thoroughly that all I could do was look for replacements. You can know now, though. Life now is different from life at 17, when you honestly think that you'll be with her the rest of your life, but the point has been made.

Quietly,
DJC

My NT recommendation to get dates.

1. Make a serious assessment of your dress an hygiene. If you are not sure, ask an NT guy for help.
2. Find an NT guy to give you advice on dressing fashionably. Dressing well is expensive.
3. Never ever try to impress a girl with your knowledge. However, act impressed with her. Act interested in her.
4. Never talk about religion and politics.
5. Make lots and lots of NT guy friends. The larger your social network, the more people you will meet. Go to at least one party per week.
6. Make certain that your NT guy friends know that you are on the spectrum. Also tell them that you do not have the social skills to meet girls.
7. Never ever go to bars to meet girls. This is a very high pressure environment.
8. If you have a relative under the age of three, then babysit the relative for free and take him or to parks, stores, malls, etc. Girls love guys who like to take care of baby's.
9. Get counselling if you can afford it. A counselor can tell you how to meet girls.
10. Do not be afraid of rejection.
11. Read "Intimate Connections" by David Burns.
12. If you have a stable job, girls will find you much more appealing.
13. If you are overweight, then try to tone up your muscles and get rid of a few pounds.
14. NT girls have way more social skills than NT guys. If she is interested in you, she will guide you through the process and make it very easy for you to ask her out on a date.
15. Do not go out on "dates" with girls. Go out on outings. Be just friends with lots of girls. Being friends is less stressful than girlfriend/boyfriend.
16. If a girlfriend already has a boyfriend, still try to be friends with her. If she likes you, she will eventually help you find girlfriends.
17. Do not be serious.
18. Last but not least. Finding girlfriends will initially take some work on your part.

^that's all good advice...also don't be afraid to ask an NT female for advice on dressing, etc. It doesn't always have to be a male.