Afraid of ending up like my mom

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My boyfriend had to drop the class he was taking this quarter and he's depressed. He's been checked out for like 2 days. He just suddenly stopped talking to me without explanation and I had to contact his mother to get him to contact me long enough to ascertain that he wasn't dead or something.

He's like my dad. He shuts down and refuses to communicate and would rather just isolate himself when he's depressed. As I said, my dad is like this too. It was one of (many) huge issues between them.

I am a lot like my mom. I may mentally understand what is going on, but emotionally I feel rejected and useless. And like my mom as well, I suffer from depression too. This is making me depressed.

I love my boyfriend so much I honestly can't imagine my life without him, but I also feel like his reaction to depression could eventually ruin our relationship. I can see myself ending up resenting him or ending up so depressed from not talking about how his behavior effects me for fear I'll make him feel worse. I can see it leading to a break up.

Like right now, I've cried twice since I got home from work like 2 1/2 hours ago and I ended up self harming because I needed something to center me.

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to break up with him because I love him so much, but I also think I'd be stupid to stay with him if I already know this is going to be detrimental to my own mental health as well.

How do I deal with this? Can I maintain a relationship with him that doesn't end up with me being like my mom, silently suffering because I'm afraid to say anything about how the behavior effects me?

Why can't you communicate to him how his actions affect you?

How you feel like breaking up with him.

How you self-harm.

How you don't want to end up like your mother.

Communication like this is essential. If he can't change how he deals with his depression. If he can't evolve from the point where he's at now. If he can't GROW,

Then I might consider breaking up with him. Or at least communicate to him the potential for this to happen should he not try to change.

If he keeps isolating himself from you, then it'd be best if you do break up with him, but for the time being just give him a chance to emotionally recover. If he doesn't change, then tell him that you will always care about him regardless if his behavior leads to a breakup or not. Tell him about your feelings of potential resentment towards him if he doesn't change his behavior.

As for you, you should never feel rejected by anyone. Such feelings could make your own depression worse. Consider talking to your mom about your BF, your depression, and perhaps she can give you some advice. Don't convince yourself into believing in stupidity if you stay with your BF because such feelings in breakups vary in regards to how detrimental it can be to your mental health.

Here are some links that I found that could be of good use to you.

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Strong-After-a-Breakup

http://www.wikihow.com/Dump-a-Guy-Without-Upsetting-Him

http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-with-Someone-and-Remain-Their-Friend

I think communicating with him is essential & it might help if you were to get couples counseling to learn how to work together instead of silently resenting him.

Does it happen often? You can tell him that the next time he wants to be a couple of days alone he can tell you in advance, instead of just disappearing.
By the way self-harming is not better than what he did, and infact I'd say that it's much worse.

As Kraftie and a few others have mentioned. Communication is the key. Relationships are not always plain sailing and compromises sometimes need to be made and this is an example of such a situation. I dont know your boyfriend but from a personal experience in the past i would do the same thing bu isolating myself without realizing how it effected my partner and also witnessed this in reverse. Depression is a horrible thing that can also effect self esteem and confidence and may feel embarrassing to the individual if he thinks he will be judged by his partner for not acting strong enough. This is another one of societies expectations about being male and being strong. But strength comes in many factors!.

As it is effecting you dramatically and seems obvious you are in love with him try at some point to initiate conversation about it and see if he will open up to explain why and what he feels when he has these episodes and how it effects you not been able to be there for him and been left alone for your mind to take over whats happening.. It is likely he has a habit of isolating himself when these episodes occur and to in time make changes that allow him and yourself to communicate with each other so as you can both deal with the situation in a positive way, i think if communication in time changed his habit from isolation to expression with the person he loves will actually likely not only bring you closer together but will likely shorten these depressive episodes...

You are also very important Michelle! and you at the moment are sharing his pain that is effecting you as you are left in the abyss of the unknown of what is happening and that is not good for either of you... When you have adopted negative self protective ideologies it isn't always easy to change that, but with time it will change for the better through communication and when that happens and not only the trust is formed under such circumstances but the realisation you not only have a lover but a best friend to open up to no matter what in life is thrown at you, you realise with practice that communication becomes much easier!

He will be going through many different thought processes at the moment, low confidence, embarrassment, self esteem issues and likely alot of guilt just to name a few...

Relationships are often trial and error, compromise as you are both individual personalities but when habits effect your partner then communication is an absolute must to change said habit into a positive habit of expressing to each other.
Sometimes if its a meltdown maybe he just needs a few days to recover, but if it is ongoing and regular it certainly seems a new approach needs to be adopted. Nothing worse than not knowing and having to live with it eternally! I think this is where alot of relationships fail, people close off and stop communicating..
It takes time! but if it constantly effects you and you cant communicate you have to look after number one! and thats you!

I wish i had more for you Michelle! But can only go by my own experiences and observations..
I truly hope you both feel better soon and things work out, life after all is a journey of sorts

The bottom line: he can't just disappear like that; it's not fair.

This might seem strangely specific, but bear with me on this idea.

Make a list of the things you want to address to him. And beneath each section perhaps write key phrases and sentences that will make you sound non accusatory. You mentioned that the act of talking to him about how you've been feeling lately would possibly make him feel even worse and more guilty. But I think if you're tactful enough with your wording, you could gently coax him out of his seclusion.

You should honestly tell him how much you care about him, how concerned you are about him. Isolating oneself in itself is a habit that garners worry for good reason, and he should understand how doing that to himself also hurts you as well. Men in general have a habit of bottling up their emotions and not being open about them until queried. Maybe he just needs someone to reach out to him first.

Whatever you do, try not to get frustrated with him if and when you do have a conversation about him with this. He's probably dealing with all of his stuff the only way he knows how, and the same goes for you I'm sure. But in the end you should try to meet each other halfway. Tell him you wish to help him through these hard times, not just be forced to watch him suffer.

You two are a couple for a reason, and I think he just needs to be reminded of that.

Sorry but I agree with Peacesells.

I had an ex girlfriend who cut herself whenever she was very angry or sad, including when I was the one who accidentally did it.

I could say sorry and feel very guilty only for her to cut herself and then blame me the next day.

I hope you don't blame your boyfriend boyfriend for what you do to your body, even if he's the one who made you upset.
If he's a good boyfriend, he'd be hurting enough just knowing he made you very upset because of not talking to you.

It is very distressing and traumatic to be told such a thing.

Not trying to start an argument or anything, just want to offer some perspective.