A confused teenager.

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, I'm sixteen and I think I have a weird 'kink', but I'm not sure if it's a kink.

I hope this is okay to post here, not sure if it's too inappropriate.

So I had a friend in school, a big bloke, he looked about seventeen but he was a year younger then me (fourteen) at the time, he scared me at first because he was quite tall and chunky (not particularly overweight however, just stocky) he was naturally strong but did not have obvious muscles. He had the personality of an a***hole, he bullied other students in my class (to which I had to chase him around and put him in his place, being the way I am and wanting immediate justice) and eventually we became friends. Close, friends. He had a good, if a little rude, sense of humor, and I'm a crude person myself, we were a barrel of laughs.

We both have ASD, I think he does anyway, we were both in a 'special' class. See, I'm always the student that wants to know-it-all, be in charge, but I was attracted to this boy in a strange way. I liked it when he pushed me (we had a soft room, kitted out with foam for the other students to let off steam without hurting themselves) and he'd throw other students around like toys (but they enjoyed it, it was just play fighting) and I'd made it clear after he'd hurt me one day that I wouldn't tolerate that kind of play. But I loosened up, and was attracted to his size, I liked the thought of him enveloping me in his body, he used to give me bear hugs, always wanted to touch my hand, so I could confirm he was attracted to me too. But yes, I liked it when he pushed me around, it made me laugh hard and passionately and I think (it's been a while now) I was sexually attracted to that kind of play. We never dated, never brought up that we crushed on each other, but I'd buy him gifts for his birthday and a goodbye gift when I left his class.

But what stuns me is that I'm a 'leader'! I'm a fiery Irish girl who has the star sign of Cancer and won't have anyone push me around. Is this some sort of weird mental perversion I have or do other people have it?

P.S I'd dated a guy recently, but when things got physical I was shocked and repulsed, I felt extremely unwell when things got to that stage and once he realised he couldn't 'sex me up' he dumped me. A Lot of boys (this is a special school) fancied me at the school but every time they came close I wanted to be sick. There was truly nothing wrong with them, they were sweetie pies, but I couldn't go near them.

I think you found someone you could enjoy being around their is nothing to be ashamed about there. Sometimes their are personalities we are attracted to and its nothing to ashamed about. Do you know why this guy did his bullying initially?

There are some serious self esteem issues there I believe. He won't open up, but we don't see eachother anymore. He lives quite far away and he wants to the 'boss' in some aspects too. We don't have much in common other then our equal attraction to each other physically and with our sense of humor.

I see. It seems really cool that you were able to open yourself up to him. I know many people at my previous schools who used to be bullies whom we never got to understand a bit better. Anyways "kink" is honestly not the best word used to describe the traits you have talked about it implies something a little abnormal which doesn't seem to be the case for you.

Anyways were you the student leader for your class or school just wondering?

It sounds like you are an emotionally strong person, and that you found yourself attracted to another strong individual. That is not a kink. In fact, it is very common, and is a healthy reaction.

I do not like the word kink, but that's the only real way I could title it. I think it's something to do with my sensory issues, light, noises, tastes and smells overwhelm me. I enjoyed how large he was, I liked the thought of disappearing into him and his arms around me. He wasn't a nice person, and he didn't wash himself very well from what I could suss out, so I must have had some form of inappropriate attraction to him to ignore those aspects of him.

To your question, of which I'm confused why you ask, but here you go: No, but it's safe to say I was one of the smarter ones in my school, even those older then me. I was higher ability and after years of writing stories through roleplaying I am able to express myself well through the medium of typing. I never excelled or made friends because of confidence issues. I did join the school council, but was angry that they 'allowed anyone in' as I'd done a campaign-like poster and felt I'd wasted my time working hard while other children were allowed to hop on, free of charge.

Thank you! I'd like to think so too. I'm just confused about why I'm so fascinated by his size. But perhaps it's a sensory reaction. If you know who Temple Grandin is, you'll know she longed for hugs, not by people, but used machines.

I like pressure, I liked the thought of him laying down on me and feeling the weight, in a giggly and blushy way, but given my repulsion to sex and all it's affiliates, I think it would be more of a fantasy. Sure I'd like something like that to happen, but it is unlikely someone would want to leave it at that.

Some autists have found having pressure put on them relieve stress, so.

He doesn't seem like a nasty person either. After all he did moderate his behavior and he does have a sense of humor. I know many girls in your year who are attracted to just that, its nto something that is abnormal or bad. You likely just found what you like in people. I in the past sometimes developed attractions to girls I talked to frequently or I am close to. Maybe something similar to that is what happened with you.

I was asking as you were talking about being leader, it just made me curious that is all, you seem like someone who could fit the role. I guess that being on the school council is an opportunity for people to build up confidence and have fun. Maybe you were simply taking it too seriously.

Yes, it seemed to be more of a fun thing. Not for me, 'fun'. Not with making decisions at least.

Yeah, so I would say save those posters for a day in which you seriously want to campaign for MP. But as for now being a student council looks to be different.

Why did you want to join the student council anyway?

The school isn't very well run. (I've left it now for that reason) they didn't know how to handle autists like me and the others in my class and it felt as if they'd made an ASD unit for publicity rather then trying to help anyone. There weren't people who really understood us, and the people who made the decisions made very poor choices and stressed all of us out because of it. I hoped that I'd slowly be appreciated for my decision making and knowledge of how me and my fellow autists work, but upon realising it was more of a 'cake sale party' then a mini government body, I left.

Sounds like you made a good decision their. Your school seems similar to a private school I went to, the principal decided to simply to bring anyone into the school regardless of what conditions or problems they had. As a result many people you come across as strange, different or weird were commonly bullied including many autistic people.

If you want to be appreciated for your knowledge or how autistic people work and make change, their is a whole world out their for you. Maybe you would want to be an advocate for them who knows.

Yes, I never thought about pursuing politics, but speaking of an MP sparked my interest. My mother thinks I should be an Autism advocate.

Pursue what you want to. You seem like a smart person who knows their stuff, so I think you'll be able to do it provided you work for it.

Thank you.

Enjoyed talking and

Yeah, good luck.