Do we have a chance at dating the really attractive ones?

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I know a lot of aspies in meatspace. Some of them have partners but they're all plain looking. Most of them are quite obese. Some of them are frumpy looking.

Is this the penalty we pay for not being neurotypical? That we can't get with the pretty ones?

Is it a natural progression to go from not being able to get a date at all to barely being able to get a date but not with someone who's attractive?

Is this our lot in life?

That's entirely dependent on one's definition of "attractive". I, for one, find a lot of women attractive - and, in fact, most of them don't even fit society's standard of attractiveness.

Not that I've ever dated anyone to begin with...

There's a show in the UK called "The undatables" that follows people with various conditions and their search for love, and the sometimes feature people with autism. The show's format usually has a date found for them by an agency that specialising in people with disabilities, and it's recorded as is the aftermath.

Whilst on one hand it's supposed to be affirming and positive that anyone can find love, on the other it does give the impression that if you have a disability you will only ever find a partner who also has a disability (most of the dates found are also disabled in some way, but not always). Needless to say that's not true and I think your chances of dating someone "attractive" are not too dissimilar as they are for "normal" people...the more attractive you are the greater the chances you will date someone attractive.

If you want to date someone with high value, you also have to be able to OFFER something that is high in value to your potential partner.

You know that phrase: Birds of a feather...

And no, it's not necessarily about money, although it can be.

Men seek women who appear fertile and able to bear a man's healthy offspring. Women like men who are going to be able to provide for our potential offspring. This is just biology.

I'm not saying settle, I'm saying be more realistic about your own level of attractiveness.

This. ALL of this.

My working hypothesis is all relationships are based on mutual give/take, or at their base level reciprocal. Everyone wants to feel important, thus we gravitate towards those people. I don't care how "attractive" a girl is according to some fantasy supermodel standard. If she has a bad attitude and offers me nothing positive, I don't want her.

Now, to be honest, about those "plain" and "obese" partners... In my experience, it is easier for any guy to get a date (maybe more than just a date) with "plain" girls, and your chances increase the further away from "supermodel" you get. SOME of these people (not ALL) are unattractive for a reason, which I believe is due to a low-self esteem=>compensate=>become less attractive=>lower self-esteem feedback loop. On the one hand, people like that CAN be highly desirable because they are usually eager to please, i.e. they'll do ANYTHING for your ongoing attention. The downside of dating someone like that is being in a relationship won't solve the underlying problem that makes them the way they are. You don't do them any favors by asking them out.

The best any guy can do is be open to casually dating ANYONE but gravitate towards those who appear healthy AND have a positive outlook on life. You won't have to deal with a lot of insecurity, plus this is a person who CAN be happy and enjoys positively impacting those around her. If you are an overweight guy, you just might find yourself getting an unexplainable urge to go to the gym and get a good cardio workout some 5 days a week, along with a mysterious reduction in appetite. You might find yourself competing for raises, promotions, or job/career moves so you'll have extra margin in your lifestyle. And you'll feel GREAT.

I'm not saying all girls of a certain body type are like that. And not all hot girls are winners, either. But I feel I've had an overall more positive experience dating healthy-looking winners than otherwise. If I could move to Utah and take a sister-wife, I'd marry this gorgeous girl I dated in college. What makes her attractive to me is she has albinism. And despite the problems she's had with that (getting picked on in school, problems with interpreting body language due to blindness, etc.), she smiles, laughs, and loves life. She had a beautiful, slim figure, long yellow (not blonde, but all-natural, sun-bright YELLOW) hair, and was even moderately athletic. The only flaw I found was she let herself go somewhat because she never once considered a guy might ever be interested in her. But I didn't even care that she didn't shave her armpits or her legs. Her lack of intimate grooming wasn't the flaw, btw. It was that she didn't think of herself as datable, and sadly the last I heard from her she was locked into a loveless relationship. I wanted to scream at her "Have I taught you NOTHING???" but she has to live her own life.

THAT is tragic.

But that's how it goes. Unattractive people or those who believe themselves to be unattractive will sell themselves short and let negativity own them. Attractive people will flock together because they want to be with people who continually build them up. It's a Catch-22. People like myself (yes, I'm ugly) can only break the cycle by becoming and staying positive, focusing on meeting the needs of others by being generous of our things, our money, and our time, however little or much we have to give. Start by getting to know people you feel are insignificant in the eyes of society and making them feel important. Take what works best with that and use the same techniques with "attractive" people. Without changing much about your appearance (stay clean and odor-free) you'll go from bald, fat, and ugly to bald, fat, ugly, and interesting. The easiest way to do this is get people to talk about themselves and do NOT let them stop talking, whatever it takes! And actually be interested in what they say. The most attractive people out there do this almost compulsively and unconsciously. If you get in the habit of this, people who actually MATTER won't dare call you ugly, even if it's true.

And, lastly, part of what makes people attractive is their avoidance of negativity. The physically super-attractive women I know have a habit of being very uplifting in their speech and manner. Even if they think I'm ugly, they won't dare voice it. Where you will win with these women is in returning the courtesy. Keep the conversation on THEM, THEIR interests, THEIR careers, THEIR hobbies, THEIR friends, THEIR bfs if they're romantically involved. When dating the girl with albinism, I learned so much about albinism, being legally blind, NOAA, and the two types of albinism that yields yellow hair/grey eyes vs. white hair/pink eyes. From the time I dated my wife through the present time, I've learned all one needs to know about living in Mexico, psychology, divorce and bankruptcy law, bank procedures, teaching assistantship in elementary education, multi-level marketing makeup sales, and running an afterhours daycare. And yes, my wife is smokin-hot. There's no question why I married her--because she's AWESOME. Me? Still can't figure that one out!

I suppose it depends on what you consider attractive.

Please excuse my ignorance, but what is meatspace?

Have you ever considered for once that at times we can be really the attractive ones. I knew an autistic person a year above me. This person is quirky, intelligent, funny and a little different. Because he is so confident in his own skin, relaxed and nice to be around allot of girls choose to be around this person.

Another example can be shown by another autistic girl that is in my school. Allot of boys want to be around her and she has even had a boyfriend.

I understand the question, but what is the point of this thread?

I know a lot of good looking autistic people. Some of them are obese but just as many I know are skinny.

I don't know about you, but I do. (have a chance at dating the really attractive ones.) It's only extremely recently that I'm actually properly dating one, but I've hooked up with a LOT of "really attractive ones," over the years. Some of them have been smoking hot.. lifeguards, athletes, actors, models, professional dancers etc. So, yeah, I definitely have a chance at hooking up with/dating really attractive ones.. whether or not you do or not I dunno.

Also, lol @ "meatspace" - that's a new word for me. I like it.

It's not surprising that aspies often seem odd and not everybody likes odd people. We just have to deal with it.

You decide who is attractive for you and only you can make yourself more attractive.

So do I.

I'm not saying aspies aren't attractive. I'd be perfectly happy to be with a pretty aspergirl. I've only dating NT girls but there's no reason why I wouldn't date an aspergirl.

While I'm not saying aspies aren't attractive, they're often with unattractive people. I know a very pretty aspergirl who's dating an average looking guy. I know a very handsome aspie guy who's married to a plain looking girl.

The same fate may await me.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 05 Dec 2016, 6:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree that I have to offer something of high value but why should I be worried about producing healthy offspring when I don't want to have kids?

Yes I want to offer things of high value to an attractive partner but my genes are not for sale.

***I agree that I have to offer something of high value but why should I be worried about producing healthy offspring when I don't want to have kids?

Yes I want to offer things of high value to an attractive partner but my genes are not for sale.***

That's not the point. The point is that these are physical attraction triggers. Being a fertile looking woman (long hair, clear skin, large eyes, heathy weight, etc.) is an attraction trigger; being self-reliant for a man (education, career, social standing) is an attraction trigger. If you don't have it you will have problems attracting the best of the opposite sex.

Think of this: You see a woman, she's very attractive and can have her pick of guys. What do you have to offer that would make her want to choose you?

If you think you are lacking, the best thing you can do is to work on self-improvement.

I've only dated a few "obese and frumpy" girls in my life. And they wasn't bad, by any means. They kept themselves clean, and carried themselves well.

I'm on the Spectrum.

I would guess that most of my girlfriends have been on the "average" side.

There have been some who might have been slightly more attractive than "average."

There are actually some "obese" women who are quite attractive. Take a look at a picture of Mama Cass of the Mamas and the Papas sometime.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 05 Dec 2016, 8:20 am, edited 1 time in total.