Relatives trying to pair you up

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Why is it when relatives and old people try and suggest matches for you they completely forget how social interaction works.

They'll say, "what about x?" who you grew up with, but haven't actually spoken to for at least 10 years. A person who really doesn't care whether you're still alive or not, who would probably ignore you if you got back in touch because you were never friends in the first place.

Or they just point out someone they know who you know is single. You're both single therefore you should be together. It's like old people forget that people ate individuals who have preferences.

You can't just instantly become a couple because you're both single. What planet do these people live on?

I eV had an old retired neighbor write a publuc post on my Facebook wall about how she thought I'd get onwith this guy in our village whom I already
knew and had already had enough interaction with to realise that he was totally and completely uninterested in me

Like my aunt the other day was trying to convince me to go for that veiled 20-something young lady.

Aunt doesn't really know how atheist I am, but she knows that I never pray, I don't fast, I never go to mosques and I drink wine sometimes, I am in no way pass as a practicing muslim. Way to matchmake- Like wtf.

They're probably desperate for you to not be single any more.

They subconsciously realize that love doesn't follow a logical pattern and behave accordingly.

"Hi, I know we've never really talked to each other, but I was told you're single and I should get together with you. How about it?" - "Sure." - "Cool."

Oh, the logic! (As in complete lack of it.)

I think it's because back in their day they were that boring to just get with anyone cause everyone was very similar in personality so individuality back then on the whole was just seen as a very weird thing, which is why you still get really ignorant old people I suppose. Something like that anyway. Maybe just tell them it doesn't work like that anymore in this day and age.

I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or not.

There is no way in reality that you could say that to someone else and be successful. People don't say things like that.

Well duh.

But their sense of reality goes out the window

I think there is some truth in that. Or they didn't realise they had opinions. It was drummed into the that you get married and have kids. They just looked for someone stable.

Most people find it bizarre for somebody to be perpetually single. So they just grasp at straws. Of course their sense of reality flies out the window.

"When are you going to get married? When you're 40?" - my aunt.

It's funny that relatives are more aggressive at that than the parents.

My mom used to do this to me. What she'd forget was that I was an atheist who wanted to remain childfree and we lived in a pretty limited conservative area of the Midwest. Or rather she'd not necessarily forget but she would just ignore that part and think I would change my mind and pop out a few grandkids.

I think a previous poster got it right - meeting partners used to be different. It used to be more of a business arrangement, and you would have kids to help you work the farm, or if you lived in the city, you just had lots of kids to help around the house and also you had a lot of them because there was no guarantee that all of them would live past the age of 8.

Now getting married and having kids is sort of this romantic ideal thing that you don't necessarily HAVE to do, but it's still expected of you. And if you're unlucky enough to be seen as "different," it's very hard.

Exactly. So why, then, do people even bother to try and hook their single acquaintances up with other single acquaintances? There's no guarantee that it'll work, much less that the two are compatible.

Because friends and acquaintances usually match people based on similar interests; they wouldn't try to match up a someone who likes sports with someone who likes art. Families, on the other hand, tend to blindly view their young, single members as "marriage fodder" of sorts, with little regard to their personal hobbies and preferences.

My own family is the latter. They even suggested matching me with single people I never even heard of, which I always vehemently refused. My argument "What if she doesn't like the things I'm interested in?" was always met with "FORGET about your interests! They're NOT IMPORTANT! What matters is how you and her FEEL about each other." Good god! They could have at least said "Have coffee with her and find out. Maybe she likes trains too." But no.

Needless to say, it didn't convince me to accept their offer to match me. Because: (1) the word "feel" is the bane of aspies' existence, because of how meaningless it is, (2) this statement clinches the fact that they view me as just marriage fodder, rather than a person in my own right, and (3) do they expect the "feelings" to magically appear?

Last edited by Aspie1 on 26 Dec 2016, 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.

"Needless to say, it didn't convince me to accept their offer to match me. Because: (1) the word "feel" is the bane of aspies' existence, because of how meaningless it is, (2) that statement clinches the fact that they view me as just marriage fodder, rather than a person in my own right, and (3) do they expect the "feelings" to magically appear?"

It's funny that you mention "feelings" because I got that one too, and even as an NT, that made no sense to me either.

You know why? It's because no matter how hot and heavy as a couple you start out, at some point you have to return to normal life. You can't spend your whole life in the bedroom - the bills still need to be paid, the toilet needs to be cleaned, and the yard work done.

In other words, eventually feelings (whatever they are to you) FADE to the background, and you're left with normal life. And it makes sense to be paired up with someone who is most like you in terms of interests, humor, etc.

I think my family was referring to LTR-type feelings, rather than "new love"-type feelings---while still expecting the former to happen at first sight. In which case, my own passions and interests, not "feelings", were supposed to fade into the background and become irrelevant. Nothing was said about my SO's passions and interests. So yeah, if that's how my family imagines my future relationships to be, I want no part of those.

This whole bedroom/reality dichotomy reminds me of a joke.
A newlywed couple rented a room in a bed and breakfast for a few days. The spent the whole night there, then the next day, then another night, then another day. By the second evening, the lady of the house said:
"Come downstairs, you lovebirds. I made pot roast and cornbread."
"We don't need food. We feed on the fruits of love."
"If so, don't throw the peels out the window. My chickens keep trying to eat them."