Experiences of oppression

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Meeting women can be hard and daunting for Aspie guys. In my experiences it have been stressful because I faced a lot of oppression and criticisms from females in my age cohort (21-29). I have improved my confidence meeting and talking to females more recently thanks to help and support from my psychologists who helped me to understand about communication and relationships. While the more I learn from the psychologists in this area like dating, sex and relationships is the more I experience oppression since that I understood situations more than I realised than before.

Of course dating is a number game, but the assumptions from them against me is not true of what they react and think of me. Many times I made acquaintances with stopped talking to me after a great time chatting and hanging out like in Meetup groups, common interest groups public forums and related stuff where I go for my passion. I find it quite obvious it not my problem of being Autistic scaring them away. My approach was friendly, assertive and confident. We made great conversation about things, not obsessed about it. I know how to control my Autistic behaviour. I am used to manage it thanks to further support and help from my psychologists.

However, I know that anxiety is a biggest problem in females in age cohort of 21-29. So they usually overcome them by alcohol. That where things goes wrong. I tend to avoid these situations. However in non-drinking environment like Meetup events, common interest community events and public forums they seems quite anxious. They don't make enough time to observe that I am comfortable and harmless person. I know its young people minds these days are like that. Being difficult finding themselves out like ways to find a suitable partner, sexuality, careers and so on. But for me I am quite past that stage, even I am 25 and I already made my decision at 17 when I first studied at university.

I am not sure what is going on, why we facing oppression from them? I like meeting women, it not just because I want to have a relationship that lead to marriage but being friends is always a good thing. I never display my behaviour that would appear pervert, creepy and desperate. I know all of about that. It quite obvious my behaviour is reversed with them. They make a lot of oppressive assumptions of me. Their anxious minds making the situation creepy, pervert and desperate. It so difficult for me to find a right person to get along with, let alone having a relationship. I don't understand why their minds is like that. I am not sure it something to do with maturity?

I am having a long string of bad lucks. It always the friendly and deserving female friends are all in long term relationships, and also happens to be lesbians. I don't know how I attract to them. Maybe its my maturity. I am not saying every single women are immature, but the experiences of having a relationship in a long term helps them to understand my maturity. I tend to be a third wheel with my friends who are couples because they are really great people and very comfortable. The single females tend to be suspicious and oppressive.

Do anyone have any comment on why this is so? I hope I get a nice lady to be with me sooner than I thought because it will show a great support and role model for other females to understand their choices.

How do they opress you exactly? And what do you mean by criticism?

Learn to invite and appreciate criticism. The trick is knowing which criticism to listen to. Some people have an aversion to people who are different. Some people are jealous of people on the right track. Some people view life as a zero-sum game (winners/losers) and assign everyone who is not them the rank of "loser." Some people are delusional, mentally ill, or just flat wrong. They are haters. You can't do anything about them, so ignore them and let them keep on hating.

Now, someone says, "you are so stupid. Gross," I'm like "what? Why do you say that?" "It's bad manners to eat your steak like that. Use a knife and fork, don't pick it up with your fingers. Nobody does it like that. See? This is why you can't have nice things." Then I'm like "My bad! I had no idea it bothered anyone. I won't eat with my fingers any more'" That's just someone looking out for you. If you're being an idiot, you'd hope someone would pull you aside and tell you so you'll stop. There are mean girls out there who actually might be trying to help you.

Even though I value constructive criticism, even I'm just insecure enough to need validation. So I surround myself with happy, positive people. Not just to hear what I want to hear, but just so I won't feel self-conscious and depressed all the time. Make a point of hanging out with encouraging people and you'll feel a lot better.

Learning and accepting criticism can be a bullying tactic to oneself. Like blaming the quirks that is responsible scaring them away. That won't change because of disabilities is being different to people they knew for whole life.

I live in rather uneducated country of Australia. It doesn't help either.

In relation to oppression, it like being racist and bigoted to a person because different and not culturally accepted. So yea it all happening in Australia. Drinking culture. lazy culture. and etc.

If you dislike Australia that much, maybe consider moving to another country? I hear the population of Japan is declining and they need more people.

Someone not being attracted to you or wanting to date you is not oppression. It is them making choices based on their preferences. It's oppression if you aren't allowed to register with a dating site due to something you can't control or if you aren't allowed to go to the places to meet folks due to something you can't control. That would be oppression.

Also, people always make assumptions, and that's not always a bad thing. Ita only when the are wrong that people scream about them. Nobody ever b*****s about assumptions when somebody assumes something that is in their favor. If people always assume the same, wrong things than you need to figure out what you're doing or saying that gives them the idea and either change it or just tell them up front that X behavior does not mean Y assumption.

Every person out there has to do some kind of work on themselves, and there is nothing wrong with that. It helps to make people more attractive. You obviously need to do some of the same kind of work if what you're doing now isn't working at all. It's not a failure, it's just a sign that you need to try something different.

And that isn't oppression either.

He is legally deaf and has communication issues.

He is already trying to improve his speech but it would be hard for him.

I've seen his videos, despite his average intelligence I believe many people he meet might see him as 'stupid' or 'dumb' aka the r-word because of the way he speaks.

I'd be willing to bet people make incorrect assumptions about him more often than not because of how he talks.

He can't always 'correct' them like you say as people are liars and will put on a polite escapade and otherwise ignore and not have anything to do with him later.

It would be awkward and inappropriate to always bring up he is legally deaf to every single person who meets in any context, but it seems acting like he's not legally deaf and doesn't have communication issues doesn't work either.

If it is a dealbreaker for a woman to date a mentally challenged person, she may mistake him as mentally challenged.

She could be attracted to him yet think he is 'dumb' or 'slow' and thus consider him a dealbreaker when he could otherwise fit every other category she's looking for in a partner, except she wants someone of 'average' intelligence even if he is.

This means it takes a particularly special woman willing to overlook his communication issues.

That's all that can be done, I guess, along with him continuing improvement.

I have a few deaf friends who are married with kids. So, it happens.

Being deaf + ASD etc is a whole new level of challenges.

I'd likely be correct in guessing that the OP communicates best in text. Maybe focus on meeting someone online first & communicating in text to get to know each other better (disclosing your hearing loss etc before meeting) vs. meeting in person first if you haven't tried that?

Further, after re-skimming your post I'd like to suggest that even though you don't think it's your ASD traits making these girls not want to carry on chatting with you, I'd bet money that it is and you just aren't self aware of it.

I have speech problem? I rarely have people telling me I need to repeat words and that these days since I go public speaking events. I facilitated groups before. I didn't have any issues to be honest.

In relation to oppression I believe these young people tend to focus on my inabilities or differences rather than my personality, values and intelligence. So the oppression occurs when people deny your values and intelligence because they focus on your disabilities rather than the person itself.

It like employers hiring process. They look at our communication and social skills. We are being different, it doesn't mean we are being wrong. The only wrong thing here is focusing on the disabilities at the time of judging by its cover.

Dating websites were nightmare to me. I rarely get replies. Its stupid idea because it all about women seeking great pick up lines, attractive profile pictures and other superficial values. Finding marriage is so rare online these days. Only Russian and Asian brides because they want to escape to western countries where money is. They divorce you 5 years later leaving you lonely and depressed.

Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to alter their dating preferences. People have the right to choose their "type" and only date within that. If someone only wants to see the disability, then they can do that. Good grief, the right to be attracted to whomever you are attracted to is one of the few rights we have left!

The solution for you is to build a circle of friends who won't see your disability as an issue. People will look past that the more you have to offer as a person. My #1 rule to all human relations is everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, wants to feel important. The easiest way to make people feel important is to get them talking about themselves and KEEP them talking about themselves. The most difficult part about making someone feel important is setting aside your interests and needs and making them secondary to affecting how someone else feels about themselves. And just listening to someone while they build themselves up in their own mind is the easiest way to gain influence. Money is also a good tool, but not one we always have access to. Sexual gratification is also a HUGE tool, but not always a stage we can reach. But the desire to feel important is connected to sex drive, which is why appealing to a person's own sense of importance is key to appearing attractive whereas you might not otherwise (say, due to disability).

I have not seen a more recent video of you Ecomatt, but only older ones of 2015 and 2014; it was a little difficult to understand you.

However, after reading your writing again I can see you've made a massive improvement.

Your written English skills in my opinion are just a tiny bit below average but that's not a bad thing.

In the past it was clear you had a bit of trouble with written English but now you write like someone from another country who has been living in Australia for many years.

I am sure you have improved significantly in the last few years.

I agree with everything else you have said.

Producing their own right is like making negative assumptions and missing out on a nice, career minded and motivated human being. I have to blame the society the way it is causing so many oppressions in general. It create stigma towards the innocents like Aspies, people in poverty, homeless people and so on.

Its incredibly out of the control in current society because it seems women focusing more on 'perfection'. I am observing them through friends I made and people I knew they just seem unhappy and continually stuck or trapped in their relationships. This seems a factor to avoid being lonely single and fear of change.

So whilst I have been incredibly well with my ambitions, I just don't seem attract anyone at all. I have no idea why. I have people talk to me and that, but I am quite an outlier in many circumstances such as social gatherings, finding a relationship, people get comfortable with each others and so on. I am missing out on important connection. That is another thing I knew about unintentional oppression because they don't know anything about Autism. They just make lot of assumptions and excuses.

How the hell I ever find a potential lady with ambitions, commitment, career driven and that? I have been networking a lot these days. I am quite stuck between different series of factors of rejections. 1. I don't look attractive, 2. they don't like career driven guys, 3. they want a socially cohesion guy, 4. they prefer to understand someone easy without efforts

All of these above rejections are quite oppressive to me because it like you don't believe in faith other than yours, they deny your rights and freedom. It not even important to consider about your beliefs these days. Get the point from my analogy?

It seems we always expect people to just understand autism wit no effort on our part. Why on earth would they bother to understan autism when they don't know anyone who has it?

Join deaf communities and meet girls who are deaf.

Be realistic, non-deaf and non-disabled girls have way more options; they wouldn't settle for a deaf guy (or a guy having any serious health condition / disability), and they would be way too embarrassed to introduce you to parents and girlfriends.
And deafness is way more obvious than AS, and I bet that it is a way more serious obstacle in dating than AS, the latter should be your secondary concern when it comes to dating.

You should understand and accept that the human dating scene is silently racist, ableist, classist, elitist, biphobic and sectarian - all under the pretext of 'preferences'.

People always have their idea of a perfect partner in their mind, but they rarely meet someone who fits all the criteria right off the bat. What happens is you see someone who you feel attracted to, or you meet them and become attracted right away, or you aren't at first but over time something happens to attract you to them and there you are. You want to go put with them and most of the time you do even if there is some part, or many parts, that don't meet your idea of perfection.

Most people will make some effort to get to know the person better once they feel the attraction, so I assume either the gals who blew you off were either not really attracted to you enough to investigate and see what was up with you, or maybe you just ran into a handful of shallow b*****s who want some airbrushed and pumped up Hollywood version of their perfect guy, and ONLY that guy, and unlike the rest of us who had an idea of Mr Gorgeous Built Charming Rich Smart Nice etc guy, those shallow dumbass b*****s are stupid enough to think that kind of perfection exists and vain enough to think they will actually land this guy if they are ever lucky enough to run across perfection.

Plenty of girls have been there, briefly, then realize that this daydream fantasy man does not really exist and so they start checking out real guys who actually exist and want to interact with them. Some will still be throwing them back one after another over one silly thing or other like Jerry Seinfeld did to every one of his dates on his show for stupid reasons, but most eventually allow enough reality into their world so that they finally understand that instead of looking for a guy that meets every or even most criteria, that they are looking for a guy that causes them to feel something (interest, attraction, hormones, whatever) AND ALSO MEETS A FEW EXPECTATIONS. You learn to go with your gut and check out interesting prospects because when you find the one for you, the good will outweigh the bad, or it should. And there are always some negative things.

That's how it happens. Finding somebody to date is like shopping for clothes. You look at things and try them on if you think you might like them. You investigate them that way. Lots don't do that for whatever reason but most eventually figure out that if there is a spark then they need to see what it's about.

Maybe they passed you over because they didn't feel a spark. Usually that happens because of something small. How you look, or what you say or a gesture or something that causes interest, even sleight interest.

You have to work twice as hard to attract their attention and be charming or interesting or ironic or whatever vibe your going for because being deaf makes it harder to flirt etc and especially on top of aspergers it's gonna be a serious project for you to undertake but learning ways to get girls attention and seem cute, interesting, whatever is what you have to do. Unless you want to meet them all online and then explain beforehand that sometimes girls assume s**t and it takes a while to get to know you so they need to give it a little longer.

That's really the only thug you can do, find a hook so to speak.

Good luck, it is doable.

And it's still not oppression. It may feel oppressive but it is not oppression and oppression cannot apply to something based solely on feelings, emotions, whims, and horniness the way the dating game is. Dating is based on feelings and things that nobody has control over. You can't decide to be attracted to someone and if you don't feel something pretty quick then forcing yourself to keep at it is absolutely terrible to endure. You usually begin to actively dislike the person and notice even more negatives if you make yourself try to like someone you feel nothing for. That's a pity date anybody don't want that. Or a hooker and the hat would be up to you, but it still ain't real. It's only oppression if it's a situation where you are eliminated based on logic and reason, and honestly those don't even enter into it at first, lots of times. People can't control their feelings and without something to work with or attract them or interest them, they aren't oppressing you, they are simply passing you by because you didn't interest them. Chances are they pass up more before you and after you too, and that ain't oppression either. It's just trying to find Mr Right, Mr Right Now, or even Mr You'll Do Tonight. All those require feeling something and if people could control those kinds of feelings then dating and relationships would be cake.

Even if you are easy to understand, it still could be a big problem. I never have people telling me to repeat words, but I have been rejected because of my voice. It was because girl thought my voice is too monotone. I bet other people rejected me for similar reasons but they would never say it publicly because it may be considered shallow.

I never have anyone comment on my voice. I think its quite judgment talking about appearances, voices and that part of the personal characteristic. Its can be quite racist and discriminating. Its a shallow way to comment or judge basing this way. Its stupid to reject someone based on voices, even appearances and that too. It just a human being way of nature.

This shallowiness is like parents reject their kids to have interracial marriage/relationship with someone in 1960's. There were the days of civil oppression.