My mother died when I was a teenager, and me and Dad moved to Florida for a fresh start. I think that's about when everything began to go downhill for me.
I never made friends all throughout high school. I related to no one there; I wanted to go to a public school, but my Dad insisted I go to a private Christian school. The only one was two towns over. Ergo, during my teenage years I never made friends with anyone in the town I actually lived in. The few friends I did manage to make here in town as years went on, they all moved away. Every single one of them. They all moved to live better lives for each other...and when I check in with them they're doing so much better than I am.
I try so hard to make new friends, I really do. But every and I mean EVERY time I do, they all get bored of me and leave me behind. If not that, they take advantage of me and then leave me.
Oh, but that's not even getting into my romantic life....
My first girlfriend was a blind date my father set up when I was 16. We didn't have anyone else, so we got together. But...our relationship was very strained and we were more or less forced together by association of our parents. We ended up splitting. My second girlfriend dumped me via phonecall on my birthday, on the grounds that she would have cheated on me if she stayed with me any longer and she was 'just being honest'
Third relationship I got into out of desperation because I was still upset about GF #2. I didn't like her but I was lonely. I broke things up myself. Next GF I had stopped talking to me for a full month and then reappeared to break up. Next two GF's I had broke up with me in the span of a week. My homecoming date ditched me at the door and I cried in the bathroom before getting picked back up to go home.
After that, I met a girl who was horribly abusive and mean. She was my first sexual partner, and she only did it because she literally felt sorry for me. My first time was out of pity...I still think about that now and then. I stayed with her because I thought I could make it worse. She once laughed at me for getting mugged and being upset about it. She used and manipulated me, culminating in me taking her on vacation with her 'brother'. Her 'brother' turning out to be instead the man she was cheating on me with and doing behind my back.
] I dated a girl who cheated on me when I left the state to visit someone and skipped town before I even got home. My last relationship was just draining... Heck the last time I admitted I even liked something it ruined everything! They didn't want to even talk to me anymore! I lost a friend just admitting my feelings...
I'm about to be 25 years old in a few days. I look back at my life and I just feel awful. I can't remember the last time I've ever felt truly happy with myself. In fact, I hate myself. All of my past interactions and all the people I met have just drilled it into me that who I am is not enough for anyone, and nothing will ever change that. I try to improve myself, I try to go to the gym now and then...but the thought that always comes back is: 'Everyone you've met hates you, it's not like you're trying to impress anyone'. Every day I wake up feeling miserable with my crippling loneliness. I have online friends, but I mean people I can interact with for real! People I can go see and talk to! Someone I can at least hug and pretend things will be okay!
I know not all people are monsters like the ones I've met....but a person can only take so much abuse before they just give up...
11 Jan 2017, 1:31 am
