Irrational fears approaching women

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While my normal everyday interaction with other people usually works without any major problems these days, I still haven't made any progress when it comes to dating.

Whenever there is a woman around, I feel like I must be extra careful and keep a “safe distance” from her. Like, when a woman sits next to me in a train, I have the urge to lean away from her. When I walk next to a woman, the distance is so large that I can hardly talk to her; when she tries to reduce it, I will often find myself walking past the roadside.

If there is a woman I find particularly nice and whom I would like to date, I feel completely paralyzed. It seems kind of “forbidden” to talk to her in any way that might be interpreted as flirting. I imagine that if I revealed her my interest, she would act like I had done something really awful to her, and she would tell all our mutual acquaintances about it and they would start laughing and bullying me and never respect me again.

I told my therapist about this and she thinks it is completely unreasonable. While I agree with her that there is no indication that people would react like this if I asked someone out in a polite fashion, I kind of “believe” in these fears anyway. It appears like the standard therapeutic approach to social phobia just doesn't work for me because I refuse to give up on those weird beliefs.

I'm interested: Might this be an Aspie thing? Do you experience anything similar?

Walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation is awkward enough without asking someone out. If there is someone you like talk to them to find out about them. When the time comes to ask her to go somewhere, it should happen naturally.

When I feel like asking someone out, I have usually known her for quite some time, and I am otherwise quite comfortable talking to her in a “harmless” way. But things simply don't come “naturally”; instead, I feel like asking someone out was the worst and unnatural thing in the world, and I would be “lynched” for that.

In some cases, I have actually dared to ask someone out, and each time the particular girl rejected me without any of the above fears coming true. But most of the time, I didn't approach her at all.

Try making it casual, like if you have an interest in common suggest an outing that incorporates this interest. I always used to get frustrated because once you ask someone out, regardless of their answer it brings the friendship to an end. But don't make it like all or nothing, if she says no maybe it's just not the right time.

I tried that multiple times... But it always feels “dishonest” because it means that I'm hiding my actual motif. Therefore, I would restrict myself to the “pretext” that I told her and not be able to turn it into a date.

There's just no right way to do it if I am somehow convinced that showing interest was inherently wrong.

EDIT: So in this thread, I'm not asking for dating advice. I'm more curious if other Aspies share this problem.

Last edited by Vectorspace on 13 Jan 2017, 6:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Listen to your instinct. If you feel uncomfortable about it, guaranteed she will.

Haha, I'm probably very good at making people uncomfortable by keeping a 1.5m (5ft) distance from them. I'm not sure if this a social anxiety or an Aspie thing...

Better than being a "close talker." Lol

Well, I met a few women who also have social anxiety, and for my liking, they came way too close to me – even though they didn't even think about it as a date.

But again, I'm not asking for dating advice, but rather if other Aspies share these problems.

I have precisely the same feeling.

However, I am more extreme. I am uncomfortable with speaking to anyone who hasn't spoken first. I don't speak unless I am spoken to.

To initiate conversation with someone feels like a form of violence to me, because I would be imposing my potentially unwanted presence on that person, so it's better to stay quiet. The downside is that people think I am closed off and unfriendly because of this behavior.

The feeling is even worse when it comes to initiating conversation with women because of our culture. The hetero male's sexual desire is routinely criticized as impure. "Men only want one thing" and so on. A man wanting to have sex is viewed as a bad thing. Moreover, it is very common for women to talk or make fun of awkward or "creepy" men who try to make conversation with them.

All of this creates the feeling that one should not initiate contact with a woman ever. The irony is that confidence and assertiveness are qualities women often find attractive. Many women claim that "a man who isn't confident enough to come up and talk to me isn't a man I'm interested in anyway." In our effort to be careful around women we are exhibiting traits that are counterproductive.

I also have the problem of feeling "dishonest" for showing a sexual interest in a woman. For example if I were to go see a movie then it has to be "about the movie" not her, and to show interest in her would be a violation of that. And it would make me a bad person, like it was all something sinister. The reality is the opposite, they think it's weird that I'm not trying to learn more about them or escalate things physically.

I'm the same way with regular friendships. I won't go see movies I don't want to see with friends because then I would be going to see a movie for the social aspect and not the qualities of the movie itself. The feeling of shame and anxiety is just greater when there is a sexual component - probably because of the inherent anxiety involved in approaching a women but also the very underrated stigma's around male heterosexuality.

Yes, I feel like that though it's flipped because I'm female and they are male. I have had it happen that I've been laughed at behind my back when I've been interested in someone or when I've asked them out and I just feel like it's not worth the risk anymore.

Last time I liked someone I had a panic attack because I just didn't want to go through all of that ridicule again. It feels like I'm not supposed to like anyone, like I'm somehow not good enough, not normal enough. I don't try anymore and I avoid men.



I feel like this too and I find it hard to make friends because of it. I didn't make friends easily when I was younger, so I feel like now I'm an adult people still won't like me and I shouldn't force my presence on them, especially not me who will recoil at my interest.

I was actually thinking of starting a similar post on this topic, but wasn't sure how to word it.

There was a guy I wanted to talk to the other day. Not to flirt, just to compliment him on something he'd done well at work, but I decided not to because it felt un-natural, even though all I was gonna say was, "hey that went well, you did good."

http://i.imgur.com/S24qZ.jpg

@The_Face_of_Boo: Yeah, exactly those. Except that I don't even consider approaching people in public, but it's mostly about women whom I know already.

Yeah, in reality approaching women in public transit is bad idea; even if those comics are suggesting otherwise.

I'm sure some people must do it and it's okay. You just have to have it be natural. It's not a crime.