Feeling self-conscious about not having a significant other.

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To set the tone for this thread and clarify the title, I DON'T WANT a significant other.

OK, with that out of the way, let's proceed. As you've learned from my earlier posts, starting early last year, my friends all settled down, almost at the same time, within six months. Because of that, they abandoned all forms of having fun, and now pretty much lead the same lifestyle most 60-somethings lead. Another thing is that they NEVER spend any time apart from their girlfriends. They're together 24/7/365! On rare occasions we hang out, I'm always the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel. And it feels like they're all looking down on me, like I'm a member of an underclass. Once in a blue moon, single women, who are really snooty, come along. But they get treated with the same full-member status as couples. The underclass is strictly single men, like me.

As little as a year ago, I had no problems with being single. I went almost everywhere, except for movies and nice restaurants, by myself, with full confidence. I took trains across town by myself. I went to shopping malls by myself. I even took cruises by myself. I was making new friends through Meetup groups. I was attending singles' events and getting phone numbers. I was visiting escorts. All without a trace of self-consciousness or shyness.

But now, every time I go out in public, it feels like everyone is looking at me and whispering: "Look at that loser over there! He won't settle down like normal people!" But they don't understand how unpleasant most serious relationships are for people over 30, so they feel entitled to judge me. I can no longer fully relax when going out in public alone, almost agoraphobia-style. Even during banal errands like walking a few blocks from my apartment to a McDonald's. Of course, being older and better-equipped to deal with anxiety than in my teens (I was really shy back then), I just force myself and do it anyway. One time, when I took a train by myself, I poured some rum into a Coca Cola bottle. I feel fine when I'm out with my Meetup groups or when commuting to work. But that's about it.

I know who's to blame for this: my friends and their girlfriends, and how they act around me. Anyway... How do I STOP feeling self-conscious about not having a significant other? Any mental tricks I can try? Anything at all? And please, please, please, no cliche advice like "compliment myself in the mirror", that 90's-era therapists used to give.

Anyone? Suggestions? Ideas?

Now, perhaps I came off too harsh. In fact, in a perfect world, I would be all for having a significant other. But in this sorry excuse for a world, no way, no how. LTRs are fun until you're about 27. For me, that ship has sailed long, long time ago. So the best course of action is to stay away. But I digress.

Just to make it clear, "LTRs are bad" is not the purpose of this thread. My real question is: What can I do to stop feeling self-conscious about not having a significant other? Especially considering that I plan to be single for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm developing agoraphobia, and I want it to stop.

So has anyone actually said anything mean to you about being single....or you're just concerned people are staring at you and thinking you're a loser? Not like people can tell you're single at first glance, people in relationships still do things apart and aren't always together 24/7, not to mention why would people going about their music care whether you have a relationship or not?

Most people in public are focused on themselves and whatever tasks they're out to do.

I'm concerned people are staring. No one says anything, but I'm pretty sure they think it. Although, it's possible that it was triggered by something my friends said: that they're in "adult relationships" now. <gag><retch><vomit> Where "adult" is code for "insular" and/or "unfun".

Heck, I don't even like talking to couples anymore: I feel like they're staring me down from their high horse. (Groups and individuals are OK.) It's very ironic: in the past, some of the most fun conversations I had, whether on a train or on a cruise, were with couples. Now, I feel extremely self-conscious around them, to the point of having to pour rum into a Coca Cola bottle when taking a train by myself. (That said, the gentle rocking of the train, the rhythmic clatter of the steel wheels, and the power lines whizzing by, is amazingly soothing, especially with rum sloshing around in my head.)

When I was younger, I used to feel the same way as you. Most of the few friends that I had got married and the friendships basically died gradually as they did not have room for me in "their" (the couple's) lives anymore. One thing that I kept in mind during this process is that in the big scheme of things, I never really needed them as much as I thought. I started concentrating on what I deemed to be important to me and that helped ease the pain of loneliness.

As for the perception of others judging me, I got passed that point by simply not caring what they thought. "So what that I am in my early 40s and single? I control my destiny, not you." is how I would classify my opinion on it. (People already have certain misconceptions about physical scientists, so I worked a few of them into my favor during certain times that I have been out on the town.) One thing you need to realize is that modern marriages tend to fail at a very high rate. In a way by not following the norm, you have possibly saved yourself from falling into that fate (and all of the problems that come with it).

Two of my former "friends" got divorced from their wives whom they dropped everything for. They lost almost everything in the process and are on the hook for almost two decades (kids in the process). Now, they still do not have time for me, not because of being a "couple", but because they have to work to pay for the alimony/child support. My life seems a bit simpler when you look at with their eyes.

One thing I did want to point out is that I am not against marriage. Sometimes it can be a great thing. (My great uncle and aunt have been happily married for almost 75 years.) But, one does lose something to gain another (alchemist code). Many do not see that coming until after the fact, when they should be aware of it from the beginning.

This is classic social anxiety thinking.

Think of it this way. People are too self absorbed to spend a great deal of time thinking about you. Why would they? Are you that important to take up the time? If they do they probably haven't go much to do.

People thinking this way if at all will mostly do this very fleetingly. They have other thing to thing about besides stuff like this. It is really pretty harmless, therefore.

If you are worried about people you know thinking this way. Unless they voice it, you need not worry, especially as you don't want a relationship. If they do bring it up say you enjoy being single and don't want a relationship. IF they are pestering you about it, you don't have to associate with them.

Around this age only had this pressure from much older women, e.g. 60+ who might ask such questions. Mostly mothering type behaviour. It is really not that bad, just brush it off or don't hand out with such people.

You are well past the young adult stage where you might have felt peer pressure.

You seriously think couples give a s**t about this? They don't on the whole, if they have any substance to their relationship.

This is projection of your anxieties about being judged.

Judgement happens all the time, however most of it is very transient and of little significance. You are judging them as much if not more than they are judging you. You have already decided what they think, so whatever is said to the counter must mask their true views when in reality it is an irrelevance... This is what is know as extreme thinkign and is a clear symptom of anxiety disorders.

The people who are successful and happy at being single don't care what people think about them.

You need to notice a pattern here. Like your fear of having your car scratched by a vexed lover. This is a very, very specific anxiety, of all the things that could happen. Maybe it is base on one bad experience. What you are actually doing here is trying to make the world more predictable than it actually is, you are trying to pre-empt failure by presupposing what is going to happen or what people think.

This makes you not any better than the people you fear. There is not real moral high ground here. So if you want people to empathise with you (which I do), then you are going to have a hard time, becuase they need a reason to care about you when you clearly think little of them. All down to your fears.

I don't naturally trust people I don't know, as this is an intelligent position. however at the same time I don't hold them in contempt or let anxiety take over. I know this becuase I been there. The thoughts don't leave me entirely, I'm just aware of them, and illogic of this type of thinking. I'm not goign to let this take over again. Of course I have bad patches where I get paranoid just like you, but having the awareness of this cycle is half the battle.

I used to correspond with a lady in the Ukraine who communicated to me about how she would always see these couples roaming around together during Valentine's Day and it always made her feel lonely, isolated, left out, single, whatever, etc. I explained that there are actually now more single people in the world today than married (because there are), largely due to the fact that much of modern-day life has become highly urbanised, and it is not even practical for a lot of people to have such types of partners (whereas in rural-life it was somewhat necessary for mutual-survival).

Her response was that she did not know that there were more single people in the world than married, and by educating and informing her of that fact, I had made her feel better about not having a partner to be with on Valentine's. Too many people treat the S.O. deal as-if though it were some kind of must-have necessity for everyone when it's not.