Incredibly in love with an Aspie Man. Need tips

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I am an NT woman incredibly, incredibly in love with an Aspie man. We've only been dating for less than a year but I've been head over heels since day one and my affection only gets stronger everyday. He is kind, brilliant, hardworking, skillful, a real gentleman, exerts effort in the relationship, and can be affectionate. He also has plenty of friends but being alone is his favorite. However, there is a lack of traditional expression of love that most of the time can be hurtful. Like there would be days when I wouldn't hear from him. Or he would say that he misses me but doesn't visit me because he's working on something. My NT logic would be if you missed me then you would visit me. He also has a hard time planning our dates due to his erratic schedule and this comes off to me as not being important. I've raised this issue once, and recently too, so I'm still waiting if things will change. He says "I love you" to me from time to time. Most of time I initiate saying this. There are times when he unintentionally says hurtful things but I try my best not to take it personally. I get shocked and it stings, but I brush it off.

Honestly, I don't know where to start. I guess what I'm saying is he says that he misses me and loves me but it doesn't translate to actions sometimes and it hurts.I guess I need advice and tips on how to be in a relationship with an Aspie. I really love this man. I get hurt at the same time I get mad at myself for being so "needy" and wanting constant reassurance. I don't want to suffocate him.

Honestry the best thing would to just talk clearly about it. Explain everything to him; how your feeling, why you feel that way, what your logic is, what an NT would do in this situation.

Also don't leave anything out to try and save feelings because it could become misunderstood.

Basically be blunt as hell

Your screen name is delicious.

What made you fall in love with his person?

I agree with Alliekit. Don't let the man string you along.

There is nothing wrong with your being so "needy" in the security and reassurance departments, but my wife of 30 years would tell you the "kind, brilliant, hardworking, skillful, a real gentleman, exerts effort in the relationship, and can be affectionate" attributes that first drew you to him will have to be satisfactory just as they are. I sometimes feel bad for her because I cannot fulfill all of her emotional needs, but she understands I do give her all that I have.

Aspies do like routines. I had a routine in which one day of the weekend would be reserved for doing things together. I say "had" because she passed away two years ago.

I've had trouble fulfilling the emotional needs of people.

I still do---but I'm better with experience.

I think life is too short to be with someone who doesn't give enough affection for your needs. Your needs are as important as his. It might be that you're so attached to him because he gives you just enough to keep wanting more. He is never going to change. You are not needy.

Consider if you are willing to put up with this. If it makes you happy, then go for it by all means. If you find yourself longing, it's up to you whether you want to keep this up. But as I said, trust me, he'll never change.

If you are expecting him to change, you will likely be dissappointed.

You have to accept him with all of his flaws.

I had this issue with a girlfriend. She kept expecting me to change when we started living together and she would not tell me what she wanted, so she was continually having her expectation not being met.

These are two issue that I continually run into with normal people, they just expect me to know what they want.

Our minds work different that normal people, it has been empirically proven with fMRI.

Don't assume anything, let him know what you want.

NT here in a relationship with an Aspie for 12 years.

The first thing to consider is that no two Aspies are alike.

That being said, your BF exhibits the exact same characteristics that my partner does. So I'm fairly confident when I say these things won't change. He may be able to accommodate you from time to time, but he will fall back on his normal behavior, because to him, it's normal. Never ever apply NT logic to an Aspie - you'll end up disappointed.

So to keep it short - what you see is what you get. And you are getting a guy who is forgetful, who can't plan ahead, who likes to be alone, and says hurtful things sometimes. He doesn't mean it but it won't change.

My tips? Be blunt with him. And be honest with yourself as to whether or not this is really what you want.

Speaking as an aspie male, I find it much easier when my partners tell me what I said that hurt them. I'll avoid saying things like that moving forwards or try to word them better but it has to be explained first. Just like any other concerns you have about how the relationship works, bluntness is your best friend. If it's explained to me and I express understanding than things tended to work better, hopefully your boyfriend will appreciate it as much as I do.

I'm so sorry to hear that

I just did. There was just something about him that I can't explain or specify that made me fall for him. Just thinking about him now makes me smile.

Thank you all for your replies. I don't expect him to change, I want me to change/rewire my brain.

You want to think/be like an Aspie to better relate to him and understand him? As an NT who's been with my wonderful Boyfriend for eight months, I can relate to that feeling. As a result, I've read every book on adult Autism and Aspergers I could get my hands on, and still am looking for more. I also ask questions, when I don't understand something he does or says. If there is an issue we come up against, I address it right then and there bluntly now a days, I don't wait. I also use as much patience as I can muster, because sometimes, it can get a bit nurve wracking. The other thing I have grown to accept is, sometimes, something might not get said out loud, but it might get said by something he does. Also, even though they might miss us, it is quite hard for some to break normal rutines, especially if they've had them for a long time, unbroken. One thing to always remember though, that holds true... If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie. They are all different. Just like we are all different. There are basic things to learn, yes, but no two people are going to be alike.

Actions are always louder than words

Yes, they sure are! They are better too, sometimes.