Undiagnosed BF obsessing over others is ruining our sex life

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hello, i'm new here, i'm sorry of this becomes too long-winded.

my boyfriend and I have been together for two years, we met online and found we shared a scary many things in common and felt we had a perfect connection, something neither of us have felt before or find it easy to do.

The below is a somewhat summarised version of our past year to present. All of which has been interspersed with perfect days, we get along like a house on fire. He feels that I have helped in out of a bad place he'd been in for a number of years. He finally has more energy to do things and contacts his immediate family a lot more often. He just feels more alive. We have made common friends who we often socialise with and all of the negative parts of our relationship really frustrate the both of us because when things are good, they're reaallly good. Even with all I'm about to say, he's still my best friend and I'm the only person he's been this close with. I just don't know what I can do in order for us to have more "normal" days instead of the crippling upsetting ones.
Which makes all of this so much more frustrating and confusing.

After I graduated, he proposed I move in with him (a different country) so we could be closer (he isn't the biggest fan of planes) etc.

We had some bumps that I attribute to two people who have lived alone, adjusting to being around each other for long times. Luckily we are both introverted so being "alone together" is something we can do regularly, or just relax playing video games together or with the other watching nearby.

We share a main computer, that I would use during the day to search for local jobs and play video games that my laptop could not handle whilst he is at work. It was then that I started to notice a lot of girls would send messages asking him where he was and that they missed him. It hit my confidence to see that all of these girls shared an interest in bdsm (evident from their pictures or names), something I was under the impression he was only participating in with me.

Not wanting to freak him out, I would ask about them and he would tell me "They mean nothing, I don't talk to them much" or "They only talk to me when they're drunk, you're the one here with me you matter to me". Since that didn't sound like a healthy connection to have, nor did it make me feel very good that these people could "summon" my boyfriend as and when they pleased without any consideration to his wellbeing or mine, I asked him to delete them.

The way he had explained it made it seem to me that it was fine if he didn't talk to them, since he said he barely did anyway. And the circumstances under which they did talk, didn't sound healthy for either person involved. i.e they appear, rely on him to make them feel better about themselves, they disappear, repeat.

I understood it's not nice to suddenly disappear from someone regardless, so I suggested he just say that it made me uncomfortable given the context of their previous interactions; if they really were a friend, they could understand that surely. It isn't personal, he just has a relationship now that he wants to focus on. This sounded reasonable to me.

Should I not have asked him to do that? Was I out of line?

He is the sort of person who doesn't delete emails or photos for years, since a lot of those things were "nsfw" and before we had met, I didn't care that they'd happened, but I didn't want them to be kept. The same way I wouldn't want my ex boyfriend to have images of me lying around. It's quite disrespectful in my opinion and so I explained this.

Unfortunately we started having problems after this.

Over the next few months he would start to obsess over one of them, who it later turned out he was more involved with before than he had told me. This hurt me because when we met, he told me that he hadnt had a girlfriend in over a decade. What he meant was that he had spent 10 years systematically hopping in and out of countless YOUNG women's lives and behaving akin to a predator more than just a lonely guy online.
He stopped engaging in anything intimate with me, and started to hack away at my self esteem little by little with offhand comments about my looks, my sexual performance, my moods, telling me I'm too loud at social gatherings, telling me I'm too quiet at social gatherings and am making others uncomfortable, essentially every little insecurity I have ever had, he found and made it worse. All of which he would later tell me he didn't mean.

I felt like I was a monster who had forced him to stop talking to his friends. I tried so hard to accomodate him, in the later months he would reveal to me that he was in fact polyamorous and that if I couldn't engage in pursuing the idea of having another woman or women in the relationship, then I was stopping him from being himself. I tried to explore what he meant with this and if it was just fantasy or something he truly wanted. He didn't know. Letting his mind run free, it turned out he hadn't thought it through further than sex with every kind of girl he could imagine but not much on the relationship side - the girls would sort that part out...? / we'd all make each other happy without any input from him (he really likes "automation" in every, little input from the user, all the results for the user) - I don't know how to explain it, but he tries to apply it to people and social situations ??

Two months later he revealed this was just a way his brain had worked out how he could be in a relationship with me and his ex-girlfriend at the same time. The girl I'd been having nightmares about.
To make things worse, his ex-girlfriend who knows he is in a relationship with me, sent a very "innocent" manipulative letter along the lines of "I know you deleted me, I hope you're happy and life is well, I am single now though so here's my email, lots of love to you *Sir."
*the two of us are supposed to have D/s as part of our relationship so this word holds more meaning than usual, I also take offense to it being used by someone else. (spoiler: he didn't care, too happy to see it written by her)

This pretty much broke me and I tried to take my life because I could see the events that would follow before they happened and didn't think I would be able to handle it.
Despite finding me in a bad state, my boyfriends answer was to leave me at his parents house whilst he would travel back home to let his fantasies run wild and reply to her via email.
I stopped feeling sad, I stopped feeling anything. I ended up in a weird role of supporting my boyfriend as he grovelled to his ex-girlfriend and would openly tell her whilst I was sitting next to him, that he "desperately wanted to have sex with her", and that he loved her and I didn't feel anything in the moment. She would call him crazy and asked if he was willing to put her mental health at risk for his own personal desires, and without hesitation he said yes. Knowing this, she still had no problem with sending a picture of herself in the bathtub.
She would then attempt to befriend me during the day, in order to encourage me to break up with him. I had no intention of breaking up with him and only wanted to apologise to her for encouraging him to disappear without a trace, what I had really wanted was for him to simply be honest, but he preferred not to.

After a week of listening to my boyfriend tell her "I want to have sex with you even though I would hurt you and ruin you emotionally and do not care what you want because I can make you want what I want." And trying to help him see the things he was saying and thinking weren't healthy and that we ought to keep a distance and get some help.
The two of them eventually agreed it was all just a mess and they will not talk again.
Two weeks later she would email him to tell him that she has an event in the city where we live and that she "Doesn't want to see you but I kinda hope I do, it's only 15min walk from your apartment because I checked on google"

At this point I couldn't take much more of this back and forth, so I self harmed for the second time. The first being when my boyfriend saw nothing wrong with masturbating on the phone to me whilst talking about how he missed his ex. (who he has not seen in person before)

In those string of emails his ex girlfriend revealed herself to be quite immature (to be fair, she is 12 years younger than him, two years younger than me) and a manipulative person who likely needs counselling as much as the two of us do. She lied to him in order to make herself a victim and receive sympathy from him (which was the basis of their entire "relationship"). She accused me of "flipping out" at her and expressed that's why she wrote him an email and not a letter or IM so that she could "avoid" me but that she doesn't care if I see it anyway.

I was hurt by her attempt to make a villain of me. In the short time we spoke, I actually hoped the two of us could be friends since we've been through very similar things and experienced the oddity that is my boyfriend. I started to believe that she cared about the both of us. We shared pictures, and spoke of sending each other care packages and becoming penpals. All of which she eagerly threw in my face to insinuate I had some how orchestrated chaos between them, that I was the thorn in their side. When all I've ever done is put people before me and try to help them.

After I had expressed to her that I felt my bf may have a condition and I want to support him and encourage him to talk to a professional. Her initial response to me was that she wanted to help and any fallout her presence may cause it's up to me to take care of it... how nice.
Her response in her emails to him was that she "hoped he hadn't allowed anyone to make him think he is insane"
After seeing me upset, he asked her to stop blaming me and she admitted that it is something she does when she feels she is going to lose something she wants.
And then, after all of that she sends a message asking him if she can put all of this into a story she is writing.
...
He hasn't replied because that's what he does best. He doesn't like things to come to an end, even when he sees it would be best for everyone. He's told me that he doesn't cope well with anything other than "good", he wants to make everything and everyone feel good and feels awful at the notion that he has caused something bad. He can't accept that sometimes mistakes happen and bad things happen.
Because of this l feel like this mess isn't concluded and I feel he doesn't want it to. Because he still wants something from her, but not her at the same time. He's expressed multiple times how he knows and doesn't care to know anything about her as a person and his obsession is purely physical. He's even said this to her but she assumed I was somehow being a puppet master in all this. Which I understand since the alternative would be to accept that her time with him wasn't as she thought it was.

It's also something that has happened before we met. He is comfortable online because he can think and script what he wants to say and how he presents himself and tailor it to make the other person happy (whether it's true or not). He doesn't understand boundaries, and that lying is bad even if it makes someone temporarily happy, and is always surprised and incredibly sad when the lie is revealed later on.
I feel like I am the first and only girlfriend he has had who he has been forced to be truthful to, where he cannot hide because I am physically here.
Before me, he admitted to being with someone, spending a long time pursuing them, only to suddenly find himself unattracted to them and trying to tell the truth but feeling it made things worse. The brutal honesty that he doesn't understand why it's not received well. I think he told her he wasn't attracted to her and she should lose some weight.

He has done the same to me, i.e - I am dark-skinned and he has often told me he prefers red heads, has a fixation on large pale breasts and so on - I never know what to do with that information, so it just harbours itself as self-hate "if only I looked different, we wouldn't have a problem etc". I've explained this to him and he tells me I shouldn't listen to him because he feels put on the spot so he just says "something", hoping I'll stop asking. He has also said he likes the soft silky skin you see in anime/hentai so I worry his fantasies and pursuits aren't based in anything anyone could ever achieve because they are just that, fantasy. Reality in terms of sex, always seems to disappoint him and he immediately seeks something else rather than wanting to explore sex and what he wants from it with the person he's with.

I don't really know what to do besides encourage him to see a professional and hopefully open up to them. In the meantime I really don't feel well but I'm trying to focus on the positive days and the little happy things. On a low day, I try to sleep the time away, I've lost motivation for a lot of the things I used to enjoy, it takes very little to upset me and I need at least a day to recover from it. I try to avoid contact with friends until I have myself together again. All the while I'm trying to be a happy girlfriend for him in the hopes that he doesn't fixate on someone else because the grass is greener elsewhere and I'm all used up and unhappy. I'm also trying to let things go, I have a bad habit of holding on to "all the awful things" he's ever done and said, and it's not helpful.

I'm pretty low but I hope to find some advice or at least some friends here to put things into perspective.
I'm sorry this was so long. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this.

You can be whatever you want for him. Your hair is not red-headed ? No problem. That is what wigs are for.
Your breasts aren't big enough for him ? Also not a problem. Get a Kigurumi-outfit. Nothing is impossible.

I only had to read a few paragraphs.....

Get out while you can. That's all I have to say.

You're with a guy that cheats on you whilst you're sitting next to him, or gets rid of you to spend time talking to other women? Who emotionally abuses you? Who is happy to cause emotional pain to you and other women?

And you're still with him, and concerned about how to improve your sex life?

Jeesh.

I think perhaps you should consider if this relationship is worth continuing....

You're avoiding your friends till you have yourself together again, whilst trying to put on a happy girlfriend act for him so he doesn't keep tearing you down....that doesn't sound healthy. You might have a better time of getting yourself back together again without having him to drag you down and instead spending more time with more supportive friends.

Also its pretty crappy he wasn't upfront about being polyamorous, and now just expects you to go along with it and be 'happy' whilst he constantly puts you down and all that. I wouldn't stay with him, that is my honest opinion.

Wow! I agree with the previous three replies to this! My added advice to this is, run fast, run far, and don't look back! This is no good! This has nothing to do with AS, in my opinion.