Disclosing ASD to new partners

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all,

I posted here 5 weeks ago about my long distance ex boyfriend who basically disappeared on me and left me feeling confused and heartbroken. I was so distraught that I decided to download Tinder and start meeting new people in order to distract myself with new experiences. However I also have been seeing a counsellor to talk through the emotions of my last relationship and I feel like I am moving on pretty strongly, although feeling vulnerable/insecure and a little scared about getting hurt again

I matched with and talked to a lot of guys on Tinder, but I only really worked up the courage to meet one guy. We've been on four dates in the last month or so, and two of those have culminated in me staying at his house. No sex yet, just lots of kissing and heavy petting. There is a strong attraction there though, and he seems to be having trouble restraining himself lol...but he has agreed to wait until I'm comfortable.

From the second date, I started dropping hints about my diagnosis - I told him I have ADHD, and that my older brother has Aspergers (these are both true). I've also told him bluntly that I am pretty nerdy (that I can happily sit and do algebra for hours on a Friday/Saturday night), very introverted and a bit asocial and don't really have a social group, more just one on one relationships with a few friends.

He, on the other hand, is VERY extraverted - drinks a few nights a week, posts a lot on social media, lots of friends and parties on weekends etc. While we are polar opposites there, we do share a lot of values, conversation always flows well, and shared humour is increasing. He has started talking about introducing me to his friends, booking a weekend trip away, booking a couple's massage for us etc. He called us a "couple" this morning while I was laying in bed with him and told me last night he was really happy I was there with him. So I think we are getting along swimmingly

BUT. As yet, I haven't told him outright that I have autism. I am VERY insecure about it simply because he is so different from me, and I see him as socially successful while I am somewhat of a social failure. I don't want him to judge me for that, or think less of me. I don't want him to know how much difficulty I have with socialising. I am very high functioning and I do manage to get a lot done - I can even appear to be quite popular and socially successful at times until you start looking below the surface and realise it's an exerted effort to act that way when I have to. And after a while my "rules" for social engagement will fail and I'll end up in some messy situation that leads to social rejection

He has addressed the topic of autism with me a few times, or mentioned that he knows an autistic person, and we had a good conversation about how people with high functioning autism do have empathy and can generally notice people's cues but may misinterpret them etc. So I think he is trying to hint back at me that it's okay to tell him, I'm not sure. He does bring up "autism" a bit (I don't) and I can't think of any other reason why he'd be doing that other than to tell me he has picked up on -my- hints

Ok so the main question here is, how and when do you address the conversation? I probably should have done it earlier, but I am just so scared. I figure you might as well accept me for the things that make me autistic before I bother to tell you that I have the diagnosis, because if you can't accept my quirks then I don't want to tell you anyway

Have you ever hidden your diagnosis? Or been rejected after disclosing it?

I would leave it at describing your quirks. I have no idea how I would bring it up with someone and in my eyes, it's nobody's business but my own. If he likes you for you, that's what's important.

A little side thought, if he is very social and drinks and parties, make sure he wraps it up if you're gonna get it on. Also I'd move slowly with your emotions cuz it's not uncommon for guys like that to sweet talk you one minute and bounce around to someone else the next. Gotta keep your heart and body safe.

Back to the autism part, I would maybe tell him if things were getting serious, but for now it seems like it's more or less just fun and play. So play and have fun -- at your own pace of course :3

How do I know if things are getting serious? Because we've had the conversation a couple of times that we're both looking for a relationship. He's 33 and told me that he wants to get married and have kids, but not in a rush, hasn't had a relationship in 8 yrs because he was getting his partying out of the way. I'm 26 and told him I want a relationship but that I'm also pursuing a career in science and lamented on the pressure from my family to settle down as I'm not ready for that.

We've shared quite a lot of personal stuff. Like that we both lost our parents, issues we've had with ourselves, relationships and friends etc. So I'm not sure how I judge when it's right to disclose the autism thing, because we seem to be disclosing quite a lot.

Maybe when I am more sure that I can trust him not to go and tell his friends personal stuff about me? If ever... Hmm

I'd say this would be a good start. And on a more personal level than his friend group, if you tell him, he could think it means he can manipulate or take advantage of you. You gotta know if you can trust him. The two of you could disclose all the personal information in the world, but do you really know him? Do you know how he is when he's stressed, angry, sad, etc? Do you know if he's actually an honest guy? You've only been on four dates with him in two months.

By the way, Im 26 also, and I just [unofficially] found out I'm on the spectrum.. I have only told my parents and a close friend so admittedly I don't really know what the right time would be, if ever. But I can tell you I think it would be a good idea to give it some time. See him more. Get to know him better. Have some fun. If you decide you like and trust him enough to have a relationship with him, then do that. And maybe then, you might be better able to feel out the right time.

I hope this helps and isn't overwhelming!!

Edit:: Just a little after thought, I'm currently trying to establish a stable career and focus on personal progression as well. And if a woman told me she was looking to get married and have kids on the fourth date, that would freak me the f*******k out.. would make me feel like she's more interested in the concept of settling down than in myself as an individual.

He won’t care, he won’t mind - it won’t scare him.
nor it will be a reason to reject your nor a dealbreaker; guys are not like girls.

And if he rejects you because of it (I am 99.99% sure he won’t) - you still have hundred of guys lined up for you on tinder to pick from.

You're right, I've only been on four dates with him but he has tried to see me more - I was just exceptionally busy and it took me a lot of chatting to feel comfortable. The fact that he's been patient with me and we still are getting on after this time is inspiring in terms of trust, but I also know that doesn't mean I should tell him all my secrets. I am way too honest and as you said, could be manipulated if I am not careful.

And I am a little overwhelmed, but just because I do like him quite a lot and I'm worried about messing things up or having picked the wrong guy to continue seeing...

Happy for you that you have a diagnosis (even if unofficial), I hope it has answered some questions or curiosities you had about yourself and given you some insight into how to make the most of your strengths. When I got my diagnosis, I told a lot of people and I regret it because I was rejected socially for doing so. It was stupid, but I didn't know any better at the time (I do now, obviously). People do judge and stereotype.

I've dated a few guys in their 30s and they tend to bring up thoughts about the future in the first few dates, even if the person is not serious, just because it would rule someone out if their goals didn't align. That is, why continue to see someone if it would never go anywhere, or worse - if it went somewhere and then had to end because you didn't address the basic important stuff like personal values. So as long as your timeline for WHEN to settle down (in a year, few years, distant future like me) aligns with a person, you could probably comfortably continue dating them without worrying that you have mismatched agendas. Would you rather date a woman for a year without having that conversation, only to find out that she wants to have a baby right away? Or worse, she dupes you into it? Mismatched agendas do occur

Last edited by honeymiel on 29 Dec 2017, 5:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

Thanks. It is really hard to know how a person would feel about it, most people respond by either just accepting it or saying "that sucks" or "that's cool" and I can't tell how they really feel about it.

Do you think it would be better to bring it up before intimacy so he can decide if he wants to continue and "seal the deal" (lol)? Or wait until we've established a relationship? It seems to be heading that way anyhow. I've read some things online where people were saying they wish they'd known their partner's diagnosis early on so they could have understood them better and done things differently.

Tell him after giving him a formidable BJ, see if he will care.

Well, let’s see...

You have an intense physical relationship, although minus sex. You’re spending nights with him...

I’d say it’s pretty serious.

If he’s dropping hints about autism, it could be he’s probing you to know for sure, or it could be he’s on the spectrum himself and hasn’t said anything. He’s projecting if that’s the case, but he happens to be right.

If telling him is a big deal, I think in your case you can tell him whenever you feel like it. I don’t think he’ll care. But if he leaves you over that, he’s so not worth it.

Hahaha, point taken! I'm lucky to have been gifted in that department so men may be more willing to overlook the diagnosis

Yeah it does seem like he's serious and he's told me several times he doesn't want a fling or one night stand and wants to see where things go. Talks about things we can do together, got me a toothbrush to leave at his place

I really do NOT think he's on the spectrum. And I've said to him that I'm introverted and I'm worried about how we'd clash, he said it doesn't bother him in the slightest. Probably should be more open but ... it's tough. Not sure if he knows what he's getting into even if he can accept my diagnosis

When I started with my girlfriend back in 2015, that wasn't an issue since I met her 3 years before at out Asperger syndrome support group run by the Berkshire Autistic Society (A UK autism charity for those that are Americans as Wrongplanet being an American site) and I knew from the start she has Asperger syndrome which is also when she found out I had Asperger syndrome. I didn't go out with her straight away and originally intended to be friends but the summer of 2015 we became more than friends and fully aware of our Asperger syndrome. My previous exes were on the neurotypical spectrum and wouldn't have anything to do with autism/Asperger syndrome and would have run a mile or just get confused if I told them.

I feel that, and you do have a point. I guess the reason it would be a red flag for me is because I know that's not what I want. So you have to ask yourself what it is you're really looking for. At least for me, if I get too emotionally wrapped up in a relationship, sometimes I can lose sight of what I want in favor of what my partner wants.. have been in enough long term relationships to know this about myself. Do you want to be with this guy who is looking to settle down when you're looking to focus on your career? He just seems so.. eager.. to lock you down. That sh*t freaks me out, personally. I'm not saying you have to feel that way, or that you shouldn't date him. More than anything, just trying to be that friend who reminds you to keep your emotions from moving too fast -- especially because you just got out of your last relationship so recently.


Lol, wut? That doesn't mean they're serious, that means they've slept next to each other twice. If I was serious with every woman I've slept next to twice....

You're the same guy who told me in another thread that I should go find someone to knock up.

It IS serious. Just because you don’t value someone or take what you do with/to someone seriously by no means diminishes the seriousness of the act. I’ve messed over some great girls just because I was feeling impulsive. Even when I made my intentions clear, it didn’t change the fact they were falling for me. It didn’t change how they felt about what we did. It didn’t matter if they understood the relationship was going nowhere, full stop. Every single time, even if she knew she was just a f-buddy or less, there was always a growing attachment I couldn’t return.

I just feel it’s wrong to toy with women like that—or anybody, for that matter. Women do it, too.

Since you insist on bringing it up, part of the problem is your lack of experience. I started my teaching career at a time when my students’ parents were old enough to be MY parents. Having kids yourself converts theory to practice and forces you right into the trenches with other parents. When you say “your kid is a brat” at 23/unmarried, it doesn’t carry the same weight when you say it at 39, married, with 3 kids of your own. At 23, you’re just another @$$hole and they look at you like YOU are the problem. The sad thing is they’re often right.

Put on a couple of decades and you figure people out. You don’t say literally “your kid is a brat.” You ask them how they’re doing, if their team won the game last weekend, etc. Then you hit ‘em with “well, Johnny had a little trouble the other day. I talked to him, gave him a demerit, put him in detention, gave him extra work, talked to his other teachers, talked to YOU, and nothing’s working. If it happens ONE MORE TIME, I’m afraid I’ll need you to come in and sit down with me and the principle or I just can’t let him come back to class. ... I know, but it’s school policy and my policy. Tell ya what, can you think of anything I can do to fix this?”

If it were MY kid, I’d light ‘em up when they got home. And chances are that’s what my parents are doing when they get that call from me. I won’t even get into what I heard on the other side of the phone once, but it was BAD.

My point is this, and I refuse to derail this thread any more: EXPERIENCE looks and sounds different from inexperience. I got steamrolled by middle-schoolers at 23. Now I have a phone and ALL their contact info, and I have pleeeenty of time on my hands to send texts, leave voicemails, type emails, and, generally speaking a certain spirit of fear descends over the classroom a day after a student misbehaves.

It’s DIFFERENT at my age/experience vs. yours. When you have kids of your own, come back and talk to me about it.

Same thing with relationships. A certain user who will remain nameless is p¡$$ed at me for being right. But I am, I know it, and nothing can change that. However, it’s also true that I was never the “alpha,” I was bullied every day throughout most of school and college, and I felt the only girls I could get were the ones I had to settle for that no one else wanted. So if I didn’t end up disappointed outright, I ended up in abusive relationships that lasted too long. The absolute WORST experience left me single and feeling utterly lost, though it was preferable at the time to what I had before. I figured out that there were girls IAR who felt just as bad as I did, and these “alphas” would have felt emasculated if they’d known half of what I’d been up to. I even almost got killed at one point because of one particularly dangerous dude I was playing games with. Didn’t matter to me...he spent a night in jail and I spent the night with his girl.

I had a few misadventures after that. I’m not really proud of a lot of it. But I ended up learning a lot about women and relationships. I learned to recognize a lot of old, familiar patterns, and for the most part I can tell what’s going to happen. I often have a lot of bad news and pray that I’m wrong. I don’t imagine that my path is THE path for everyone. I just know what works and where I struggled.

After another decade or two when you’re married and have a kid or two, by all means let me know how it turned out. Until then, there’s a wide credibility gap that I don’t feel the need to condescend to.

You have allllll of this time to harass middle schoolers and assert your authority over them, and still derail every thread in the Dating section of WP with huge mountains of useless anecdotes? How do you ever find time to take your kids to Bible study?

Report us back how this plan went.

With full graphical details. *wink*