NT lesbian - seeking advice about undiagnosed AS gf/breakup

Post Reply New Topic

Well not sure if this is the right place to post but my story is a complicated one . I have been in a relationship with a undiagnosed AS girl . But after a talk I had with her she had thought she was on the spectrum and she did a online test that confirmed it. Well looking back as we have been dating for almost 2 years , after I have done research, it just fits into what our relationship issues were and are . We had a great relationship spite this ,well anyways I thought we did . She called it off 3 days after New Years seemingly with no warning and she couldn't give me reasons. She seemed to be having a meltdown of emotions but it didn't make sense to me. We reconnected for about a week since we still live together but after a busy day of socializing , she said she needed space . Of course I really didn't understand, I am still learning about her needs and it's still new to me . I set it out to be a mission of mine to find out all I can . It's been 2 weeks since she said she needed space and it seems like she is testing me to see if I really understand her now . But it's so hard and I do love her very much , but I feel my strength is weakening. I have tried to talk with her about understanding all of this and how our relationship fits into it . I feel she doesn't want to lose me but getting her to take first steps is difficult. I don't know how to keep aproaching her with more of these issues , she seems to shut down . ?? Any advice ? I know it's a process and I have had extreme patience but it's hard to be strong all the time

What exactly is hard?


What exactly do you consider to be the first steps? The first steps to what?


Sounds like she has a lot to process and she's likely feeling completely overwhelmed. If you approach her with more issues or continuously approach her about the same ones, she might very well call it quits with you again.


What is a process? What do you have patience with? What do you need to be strong for?

Hi, I have AS, but I process emotions differently than many Aspies do, and I understand you from your perspective, as I had been in your position in the past. To cut to the chase, in case it may help you on your quest for information/enlightenment, it might benefit you and, respectively, your girlfriend and relationship as a whole, if you read about alexithymia. I lost my best friend, in recent months, due to my lack of awareness, of some traits we didn't share. I learned after it was too late, and although I learned a lot from certain members, here on WrongPlanet, it wasn't until I read on a forum for Alexithymia, that I acquired a deep understanding of this very common trait. I could have done several things differently, that I am quite sure would have changed the course of our friendship. Don't waste any time. The loss of an aspie is profound, and the regret is so immense, and unbearable at times. I wish you success and happiness.

I don't know how to help her to acknowledge that her undiagnosed AS is what the underlying seemly big problem is with what is going on with her and us . I am learning to understand her better in terms of her black and white thinking and how she relates to me . She is still seemly seeking my support and company in her own ways . It is hard for me because in one way I am unstanding what she is going through but my heart hurts and with this "breakup " I don't have the security I once had . I just miss her , but I am learning to be patient with my needs and emotions. I don't want to lose her and I don't think she wants to lose me , but she just can't handle things right now . What I need advice on is how do I try to steer towards finding AS support and understanding? I feel she doesn't want to face the stigma and "label"of a diagnosis but deep down she is desperately seeking answers and support about herself. If she can become more stable in these ways , then she can find herself .

...perhaps, it isn't 'steering', that she is in need of, presently. Sometimes, I find things far too intense to face in the moment, and if someone attempts to steer or encourage me, whether, well intentioned/ in my best interest or not, I might, respectfully, disengage, at least for a period of time. You mentioned that she is aware of AS, so, you may need to allow her to find her own way on her journey, respectively. I empathize with you and your feelings of uncertainty and potential loss/how you feel in your heart, but, your posts indicate that you could be in need of further information and, perhaps, introspection. I can feel the desperation in your words, and hope all turns out for the best for both of you.