Struggles understanding Connection Aspie and not quite "NT"

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I will eventually get to the point but I have a few pieces that paint a picture first.
I suppose first and foremost I should express what I mean by not quite NT. Perhaps they are Neuro Typical in the normal context people on the spectrum may use. I don't know that a person with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is neurotypical but I suppose that is not really the point.

About my perception of connection, I have read many differing thoughts on what connection is from various people. My own perception is along the lines of just feeling at home in a person's presence. I will use this quote or summation from a different forum I just read that seems to go with my perception.
"The difference is you feel the connection immediately, whereas the romantic love is something that needs to be cultivated, something that grows the the more time you spend with that special person.
And the connection feels like that special someone has an aura of comfort around them, it's like being home."
I don't know that I believe connection is necessarily immediate or at least it doesn't seem to be for me when I think imediate I think "love at first sight" I need to converse and get to know a person a bit to even know if I could tolerate them.

My current situation started because I noticed that her empathetic nature was opening my world up to experiencing more of a connection to emotional states than I can ever recall. I suppose I should say other than depression and isolation, which has been my "normal" for well over 20 years of my 33 year existence. Prior to meeting her I felt a sense of joy on the rare occasion when I had any emotional response to something occurring in my life.

I guess I should get back to my point or inquiry, I started dating this woman at some point last spring so it has been 9 to 10 months. I felt at ease around her and at home when I was in her presence even prior to starting to date. I felt as though there was a connection and we brought eachothers best selves out. I certainly know I felt she brought the best out of me. I feel like the relationship have both given me some of the best experiences I have had and some of the most difficult experiences as well. The highs have been great the lows have been tough but I have come through them. It is a roller coaster but I have felt like there has been a common connection throughout.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with her about connection, and love and how I felt. I asked her if she felt there was any connection from her end, her reply was that she has never even felt connected to her mother, but she loves me and loves her family. I feel like it was a smack in the face and I felt gutted when she said that. I know enough about BPD to know that these statements may be self sabotage and fear but also that they can be tests of a relationship. Perhaps trying to deal with constantly rapidly changing emotional states is not the ideal thing for a person who struggles to notice the emotions of others unless they are verbally expressive.

I suppose I should ask if anyone has any experience with successful relationships with people who have borderline personality disorder?

So I suppose no real interest or knowledge from the community. I suppose at some level it is just getting my thoughts and feelings out there.

I have a more general question now. I have issues with communication, one of the most difficult things being that I can come off as argumentative or condescending. I know this is something I have struggled with as long as I recall. I also know that typically I am searching for more information when others perceive this in me. It also comes out when I know there is more to something in a conversation.
Just typing this out I understand fully that this is easily interpreted as negative. I also understand I have been this way and despite trying very hard not to it still comes out more often than I would like.

My issue is that I can apologize but my girlfriend will say something to the effect of if you were sorry you wouldn't do that.
I feel I have set myself up with some double standard with her where I am accepting of her struggles and there for her, but I don't feel like she reciprocates the acceptance that I struggle as well.

It might be helpful if you ask her what connection means to her. Or why she doesn't feel connected to anyone. I feel the most connected to someone when I feel that we understand each other.

I have a friend with borderline personality disorder, and I feel that we understand each other quite a bit.

Your girlfriend's comment sounds like something someone might say in a snappy moment of anger that's not well controlled. She may not really believe that, but it does seem like there's a disconnect somewhere. Have you spoken to her about it in a calm moment, not right after an argument?

I understand that feeling of not being connected to other people. I feel connected to my sister, but no one else really. Sometimes I wonder if I even like my friends or if anyone really likes their friends or if they just hang out with whoever is available and that other person being there gives them a sense of satisfation. Or do they actually enjoy being with other people? I don't know.

I guess I've felt the beginnings of connections with men. But those have never turned into relationships, so I don't really know what that sort of connection feels like. I can never quite bridge the gulf.

"My issue is that I can apologize but my girlfriend will say something to the effect of if you were sorry you wouldn't do that.
I feel I have set myself up with some double standard with her where I am accepting of her struggles and there for her, but I don't feel like she reciprocates the acceptance that I struggle as well."


I think "if you were sorry you wouldn't do that" translates to; "I wouldn't have done that to you, so I don't understand why you did it to me." If you didn't purposely 'wrong' her, and the apology is genuine then you won't do it again. An "actions speak louder than words" type thing. You can't be the one giving all the support and not getting any back, doesn't matter what neuro-type.