Do you consider yourself lovable?

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Weird question, I know, but whenever I think about getting a girlfriend one of my biggest worries is, will she even be capable of loving me? I'm worried that the whole time she was dating me, she'd either be doing it reluctantly because she doesn't think she can find someone better, or that she's just using me as a placeholder until a better guy comes along. Maybe it's low self esteem, but I have a hard time imagining someone dating me solely because they want to or because they legitimately love me.

What about you? Do you consider yourself someone that other people can love?

You know something, I actually think that's an important question to ask yourself when it comes to dating. It's certainly not something that can be limited to a single factor - personality, manners etc., I feel that they all play a part in determining it. I've heard lots of positive statements said about my personality from guys and girls alike, but I have some nasty habits some people may not be entirely fond of.

I'm not sure, actually. People have fallen in love with me in the past, but that's not real, is it. Once the infatuation stage is done and they get to know me as I really am, can they truly love me? I suspect not.

My family love me. That's enough.

I think we're more in control of who we attract, and how they treat us, than we realise. Self esteem is a factor in our conscious and unconscious choices, and then I think confirmation bias kicks in i.e. we start to select people and information that confirms how we feel about ourselves.

'You've got to love yourself before others will love you' is a common saying, and I think there's something in it. Whatever you see for yourself is what you will notice in the world around you. We're exposed to a huge amount of stimulus, i think our minds coping mechanism is to quickly sift through it honing in on the aspects that are relevant to our life's narrative.

So the question might me, what version of yourself do you want to validate through your thoughts, actions and words to create the story you want for your life? With this in mind, what kind of woman will fit into your story and make you happy? Once you understand more about the answers to these questions you might begin to attract i.e. notice and hone in on, them instead.

Short answer. Yes.

Medium length answer: If she up and leaves you for someone else, she never loved you in the first place. No big deal. Someone who loves you will always find a reason to stay, even if you drive her nucking futs.

Long answer:
I'll tell you the story of my girlfriend and I.

I met her in a Comic book shop. To me at the time, she was just a random stranger who walked up to me. I was with two of my friends at the time, One of whom was a girl in which I had an attraction towards. Anyways, this random girl started chatting with me about some weird and quirky story she was writing, something about gothic characters or something. It was pretty interesting, think... South Park crossed with The Munsters. We got to talking about TV Shows, Manga, and Anime. I told her I was a writer too (as a hobby), and she listened as i told her the basics of my story. I was so enthralled in the conversation, that stupid me forgot to get her bloody phone number!

Anyways, turns out that after she had begun talking to the girl I liked, and I was chatting with my other friend about this new Anime i was watching, she had given this girl I liked her phone number!

At the time I was playing the field a bit. I was unsure of what I wanted from a romantic relationship, so I essentially kept it cool, held several flirtationships with various other girls. Then I started getting texts from this really strange girl who had somehow gotten my number. So, Instead of brushing her off, I started chatting with her. Texting about my day, told her about my job, and eventually we grew really close. I cut off a few girls by that point, one way or another.

Anyways, we decided to go for coffee. We completely hit it off, and over the course of a few months, our conversations got closer and closer. We became pretty much best friends, I trusted her with my secrets, she trusted me with hers... She dropped a big one on me. She had AS, Just like I had. This was actually amazing, she at least got the way I felt sometimes, which was great from an emotional security standpoint.

That friend of mine from before (not the girl, the other guy) had recently gotten tickets to take himself and his girlfriend to the Opera. Ironically, it was Don Giovanni, a Mozart piece about the story of a lecherous womanizer who screwed pretty much half of europe, only for him to get his comeuppance. I donned my favourite suit, she wore quite possibly the most beautiful outfit i've ever seen on a woman in my life. It was the middle of July, so I picked her up and drove with her to the show. We both got out, and had the time of our lives. When we walked outside, it was absolutely bucketing down with rain, so we decided to run all the way to the car. She was having so much fun, that she decided to turn around, and plonk a kiss on me. Adorable? s**t yes.

Before that moment I never really had much confidence in myself. I'm certainly not the most attractive man on the planet, and she's a woman who is stupidly attractive. How could someone this good looking love me so much? then I realised that she was the first ever woman to love me for who I actually was.

That was nearly four years ago. We've now started to talk about moving in together, and even buying a house, getting married one day, and having a kid. She's on the track to becoming a doctor, and I'm finally doing the course i've always wanted to do at college. After years of people saying I couldn't get anywhere, I got there, goddammit. She's seen me at my very worst. I've had a suicide attempt in her presence after a particularly sh***y month, and she stopped me from bolting head-first into a busy highway. She was with me when my car decided to break down and cost me nearly 2 grand to fix, only for it to blow up again later. She's also seen me at my best, where I succeed at work, where I get kickass scores in my college assignments, and where she's helped me to make my life better. I do the same for her. She and I could not be from backgrounds that are further apart. She's from the rich side of town, i'm a former homeless man. She's an Immigrant from Singapore, I was born in Darwin. She's a diehard environmentalist, I am a diehard motoring nut. But we value eachother's strengths and weaknesses. We are supportive of eachother's faults, and we teach eachother new things every single day.

That's the kinda love you can get if you just give yourself a chance.

^ So much cliché, I have fallen for people who were depressed and didn't love themselves much - so this saying is not true.

I love myself just fine. The problem is that the person I am, and am happy being, is not all that attractive to women.

^ Yes, and narcassists aren't usually lovable either.

I'm quite insecure and sometimes worry that my fiance will fall in love with another woman especially because he was a virgin when we met so I worry he will want to see what it would be with a different person.

I am beyond blunt so I tell him my worries and he assures me that he loves me including all my crazy quirkyness and shy insecurites.

I also made him promise that if he ever felt at all like he was falling out if love with me to tell me.

It took me 2 years before I believed that he found me beautiful

Personally, I would say I consider myself lovable; the problem is, it's not really my decision. What I mean to say is, I have a lifetime of rejection that sways otherwise. I've been dumped by everyone I've been involved with, both my fiancees cheated on me, and the only date I had in the past two years stood me up. Even my therapist told me I probably just need to accept the idea of being alone the rest of my life.

So, do I consider myself lovable? Yes. Does anyone else? apparently not.

I consider myself rather difficult to deal with and at times even obnoxious actually.

Depends, what do you mean by lovable? In like a cute puppy way, or do you mean are you someone that can be loved?

I feel this way too because it seems like most of the guys who show interest in me seem desperate and very lonely. I also feel like I struggle with connecting with others.

Well, personally I have been loved before, so I know it's possible, though it took some convincing on their part. Seems illogical to think there isn't someone in this world that would find you attractive and love you for who you are. Just because you are lonely doesn't mean you don't deserve love. Perhaps there's someone waiting to meet you that would find your qualities to be a perfect match.

Not really.

I am only been told "I love you" by women who knew me online only (and hardly can meet me) after a time of lenghty chats. It happened... at like once every few years frequency.

There is someone like that at the present and I keep telling her "No, you don't love me, you love the way you imagine me" or "No, you love only the online version of me".

Today I told her "but I warn you, you might be disappointed, I might not turn out the way you imagine me" (I am 99% sure it will be the case, despite the honesty - nothing looks and sounds online like reality).

But never in real life; I am trying to meet new people. I really need less online life and go back more to reality.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 06 Feb 2017, 2:53 pm, edited 4 times in total.