RetroGamer's Disaster Date

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Part 1: Disaster
She was perfect. Smart as a whip. She works as an environmental scientist. Preferred quite hobbies (which suits me just fine). There was certainly physical attraction. She was Asian and very thin. She sure had it all.

Last week it was nice and sunny so I'd planned a walk through the botanic gardens and along the riverbank. Then I made reservations at a restaurant as well. As I approached the city I saw that it was overcast and raining a little. No walks through parks then. The trouble was we were to meet at 6 o'clock and the reservation wasn't 'till 7:30.

I awkwardly explained that we had an hour and a half to kill. I offered to buy her a drink. Drink of what? I was nearly going to take her to a bar but I thought she might not like bars (good call, she later said she doesn't drink alcohol). I remembered there was a cafe about a block away. It was slow going because she was wearing heels (I never thought she might be wearing heels, I should have planned for that). The cafe was closed. Typical. One of the consequences of living in Adelaide is the cafes close at 5 or 6. We ended up in a Subway. She bought a diet coke. I think she just wanted to rest. It was a planning failure. It was all my fault. I'm bad with planning.

At the Subway we had time to talk. Good thing because the restaurant proved to be much nosier. She seemed to be flattered that I took an interest in her scientific research and what she did when she was doing her PhD. She asked me which university I went too. She seemed quite dismayed when I told her I'd never been. She wasn't the only one. I'm dismayed about it too. Just one the ways I fall short when measured against other people. The awful thing is I don't know if I wouldn't have been smart enough to graduate from university (which is bad because it means I'm unintelligent) or if I would have been smart enough to graduate (which is even worse because it means I had intelligence and I wasted it). I've noticed a few girls I've dated have been put off by me being uneducated. Typically ones who've been to uni themselves.

Before long it was time to go to the restaurant. The restaurant was half full which made me wonder if we could have just gone there at 6 o'clock. But part of the problem was that a meal is often not long enough for me to get to know someone which is why on dates I like some time before or after the meal. Anyway, as I said the restaurant was surprisingly noisy. Lots of conversations from loudmouthed diners.

Throughout the date I struggled to come up with stuff to talk about. This is always a problem for me on first dates yet by the fifth date you can't get me to shut up. I found it hard to understand her heavy accent. It's nearly enough to make me want to stop chasing Chinese girls. Also she had a quite voice so I couldn't hear her very well. She was a lot shorter than me so I often had to bend down low to hear her. If she had one physical flaw, it was that she was to short. At least she asked me a lot of questions and tried hard to keep the conversation going. I don't like it when I'm the only one asking questions.

She seemed to like dinner. I chose the Italian restaurant because she said she liked pasta. She really seemed to appreciate that. After she offered to pay half I had to pay quickly before the waitress split the bill. It would of course be very bad form if I didn't pay for her meal.

Anyway, after our meal I wanted to talk a little more but she said she had to catch a bus right away. I wasn't sure if her bus was coming soon or if she just wanted to get away from me. I awkwardly said goodbye.

Within minutes I texted her that I'd love to catch up again next weekend because I believe the wait two days rule is sexist and insulting. On the train home I grew sadder as she didn't respond.

Part 2: Hope
After an hour she responded. She said "I had a good time too, and thanks you for your dinner, I think we could be good friends!"

Good friends? Was that I could be to her? I'm not worried about the trivial amount of money I spent on the meal. meal. I'm worried about being alone.

Normally on dates I try to break the touch barrier or otherwise the girl will think I'm not into her. This strategy has worked effectively for me in the past but I didn't want to try it with Li Min because I've read time and time again that Chinese girls like to take things very slow.

Was I being too slow? Did Li Min think I just wanted to be friends based on that?

I thought about this and decided that if Chinese girls like taking it slow then maybe being friends for a while is a part of their slow courting process.

Maybe. I'm not sure.

Part 3: Resignation
Even if I could win her heart it might not be good for either of us. We had no chemistry. What good is it if we both have to force it?

Then again I think for me chemistry builds gradually over time. It takes time for me to feel comfortable with the girl.

Regardless I don't think I have much hope with her and I have no other prospects. The fact remains that I blew my one shot at love last year. The one girl who actually tried to win me over during our first few dates. Every other girl wanted me to do all the work and I'm just not good at that sort of thing.

After a while I wasn't sure if I should feel sad or just emotionally numb. I thought stuff like, is my goal in life to get a partner? Should I have a different goal in life? Should I have a goal in life at all? If I don't have a goal in life will that make me happier because I can't fail or unhappy because I'm not achieving anything? Should I be happy because of what I achieve or should I be happy regardless?

Perhaps I should just give up but that feels like giving in to personal mediocrity. We live in a wonderful world but what good is it for me to be a mediocre person in a wonderful world? That makes me feel like I'm not a participant in the world.

Maybe she didn't like it that you paid for her dinner. I would've let her pay if she offered.

maybe she thinks friendship as a step towards something more, maybe she just wants to be friend. maybe you should ask? but you also seem to not have much interest in her.

all this preparation for a date seems so weird for me how much formality, I think we don't have it here (ok I'm pretty alienated from this romantic stuff anyway)

Well, verbal communication is important for bonding - if you can barely understand her then how it will work out?

I don't think she's your type, actually.

You want a more verbal, sort of boisterous, sort of witty person.

She doesn't seem like she's any of these things. She seems reserved.

Reserved people can drive me crazy.

You're right Kraftie. I thought maybe her liking "quite activities" would be good for me because I don't like going out every day, just a couple of times per week but even on nights in I'd rather have some boisterous, witty chit chat.

My ex was really good at boisterous, witty chit chat on nights in and nights out. Our banter was in perfect sync. And she shared my interests. How many other girls like Super Nintendo and Star Trek? That's why I feel like I screwed up my one chance at finding a compatible partner (that and she was the only first date I ever had were she wanted to makes things work as much as I did).

That's why I think I really screwed it up with her. I was shallow and stupid when I told her she'd look better if she lost weight. I really hurt her. Now she's with another guy who's making her happier than I ever did.

I've made the same mistake.

Just do better next time.

That's how we learn----by making stupid mistakes.

There are lots of girls of the witty/boisterous persuasion out there.

There may be lots of girls of the witty/boisterous persuasion out there but in my experience most girls don't act like they want me on our first date. They act more like they're doing me a favour. She didn't act like she was doing me a favour, she really wanted it to work. She baked cookies for me and gave them to me on our first date. How many girls would do that on a first date?

I feel like if I keep having first dates with girls who have little interest in me I won't get a second date.

You seem interested in politics, even if you don't espouse a political ideology.

Maybe meet one in a political club---especially one which espouses something close to what you believe in.

They have clubs for that?

I'm still trying to work out my position in politics. If I join a political club I'll probably argue for both sides and alienate everyone.

Yes I'm inconsistent but that's a consequence of trying to see both sides of the debate. I guess walking in other people's shoes is going out of style. I might not enjoy a political club because I'm just as appauled by one-sided self-righteous lefties as I am by one-sided self-rightous righties and that's what politics is turning into nowadays.

Anyway I think you're right that I should join a club of some sort. I don't want to get into the heavier sports (such as ice hockey) but I'd like to try dancing if I could find a beginner's group in my age group.

Our punishment is to be single for the rest of our lives.

Does a girl's weight effect the quality of sex? Even when I wanted exgf to be thin it wasn't because I thought the sex would be better.

I'll agree that slim girls are a turn on but for me sex is not a visual experience, it's a tactile experinece.

Although I always wanted to try the position where I'm holding her with her legs wrapped around me but I can only lift 60 kilograms and she was 90 kilograms.

Also I wanted to try it standing up but that would require a girl close to 6 feet in height and she was only 5'3.