Being told to work on myself

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I get told by people I know that I need to work on myself before I can have a girlfriend. I just don't know what to do in order to work on myself. What do I need to do? I am almost 30 and I still feel lost in the world as I did when I was 18.

I don't think I can work on myself. Whatever I attempt, I fail at it. Some say I am hard on myself but if everything I do ends up in failure, how can I feel hopeful about the future?

I think I should just slash my throat or shoot my brains out. I just can't bear going another year being single.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Ready?

We ALL need to work on ourselves.

The simplest thing you can do is learn to prioritize the interests of others ahead of your own. Immerse yourself in things others talk about, learn as much as you can. Get people to tell you more about their favorite topics. Get them to teach you how to participate in their favorite activities. Get involved.

That is how it's done.

In physical terms...I don't worry much about extreme eating healthy or working out. I'm nearing the end of an extended fast and am battling endless nausea. Food is an unhealthy preoccupation of mine and I need to refocus my life in a more positive direction (more of a spiritual thing, not a "diet"). So weight loss isn't remotely on my radar, just a consequence of trying to get my life together. That's the main thing if it's a weight issue. Focus on what's most important in life and the rest will take care of itself. Go strict vegetarian or, as I'm gonna do, pescatarian, keep portion sizes TINY, and you won't even have to exercise. I've taken up running. I'm slow, but I come in at 36 min for a 5k. By the end of this year I want to be up to 10k. It's gonna suck. But the extra cardio and just the sense of accomplishment will work wonders for my confidence. That alone is worth the effort.

And I'll do some resistance. My oldest has taken up archery and will get his own regulation equipment for his birthday. I want him to feel good about it, so I want to start lifting weights with him to build our arm strength together until we can adjust his draw weight up to the max his bow can handle (30 lbs.) and help him become more competitive. I'm too weak right now to mow the lawn, so he's handled that all week for me. When I get my strength back, we can share that and keep us active during the summer. And I have plenty of family activities planned, not the least of which is doing volunteer work and visiting different churches. I'm taking an online college class through June. Planting a garden. Taking a much-needed beach vacation. Attending a leadership conference. Reinstating my teaching license. I'm working on a "trailer" for a website and potentially landing a film scoring job. I'm developing a music library for potential licensing. Working on landing a Saturday morning gig out-of-town--pay sucks, but the EXPOSURE!! !

I'm getting old...as in I'm aging uncomfortably fast, so I feel the need to cram as much in my dwindling years as I possibly can and maybe see my kids learn something valuable along the way. You don't have to do all that, of course, and no doubt I won't be able to get to EVERYTHING.

But to boil it all down and maybe think about something more realistic for you: Prioritize others and their interests FIRST, avoid talking about yourself. Pick, I dunno, maybe just 5 things you can do outside your norm. Make a list, like...

1. Light workouts daily
2. Eat healthier, lose weight (if you need to)
3. ___
4. ___
5. ___

Setting goals and steadily working towards them will NEVER go unnoticed and will go a long way to improving confidence and how you handle others. That also contributes to making you more attractive as a person. Has little to do with personality or appearance although you might find your goals work in tandem with shaping and improving those things as well.

Girls dig that kind of thing. Stay on top of that and see if you don't notice a difference in your interactions with others after about 3 months. Remember, consistency is key. If you can't keep it rolling every day, there's no point.

Thanks AngelRho to write that up. I went through same stage as you but I am 26. Attended psychologist appointments and workshop on about your life helps me to build my life. The earliest it is the longer you achieve. You must act now because you are 30 otherwise lot of women see you are immature. No offense here. I did had to learn the hard way. It helps me to be clear about myself, and also seeing other people's situations much more clearer. Unfortunately not many friends at my age are like me. They still finding themselves out.

If someone told me to work on myself, I would ask them them to elaborate.

You've gotta love yourself first,before you can love another.

Live in the present moment and not worry about the past nor the future.

And lastly,think positive and not be a slave to your negative thoughts and emotions.

https://mrsmindfulness.com/the-four-key ... gfor-good/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop- ... -emotions/

This what they mean exactly:

- To work out.
- To get a job or a to get better job than the one you have, to improve income.
- To get a car.
- To wear better clothes, to take care more of your appearance...etc
- To go out and socialize more.
- In the west, I would also add to get a place of your own.


Males in most species are judged by performance, don't forget that, and humans are no exceptions.

Stop saying things like you did above. And I don't mean to stop saying them, I mean to get yourself into a place where you stop thinking them as it's not attractive and people don't want to be around people who think like that. If you're unhappy on the inside that reflects outward and people pick up on it and don't want to be around you.

I am not 30 yet (I turn 29 this summer). I've actually been in therapy since 2006. I just suffer from so much mental trauma from how others treated me as a child and the culture I live in does not respect individuality. I also get the feeling that if you don't achieve certain milestones, you have fallen too far behind to ever catch up. I get fears that there is a shelf life or cut off age to finding a girlfriend and my shelf life is nearing expiration.

There's no shelf life on finding a gf. My time for that has come and gone, and if the unthinkable happens with my current relationship, I'm closing that door in my life. That's a personal choice, though, not something you have to worry about.

Career success most certainly DOES have a shelf life, though. Getting in shape does, too. If you're not there by mid-20's, it just ain't gonna happen. I'm not bitter about it. I'm not wasting my time. I'm just being honest. I'm not unhappy, either, because there's so much more to live for than the old J*O*B*. I'm in a fame-or-famine business, so there's extremely limited financial margin in our household. We buy in bulk, buy frozen veggies and meat instead of fresh, freeze chicken and veggie broth when we can get it, prepare bread dough and freeze it when we have free time and bake as-needed so we always have fresh bread (we almost never buy bread anymore). We're even considering breeding chickens. We live on an extremely low income, yet we live like kings. Which makes things interesting because it's starting to look like my music career MIGHT be about to take off...and I'm pushing 40!

With a career, especially something as tough as arts and entertainment, it gets more difficult as you go. What you learn to do is branch out and be patient. I really, REALLY want to get started in artist development as a side business. I just can't seem to find the right person to partner with. My children really are talented, so I suppose I could really push them to help me put a project together. I already mentioned that I'm a teacher, so I could potentially pick up more classes. Or take up online instruction.

A lot of times you find if getting your career off the ground doesn't work out, you find greater success in something tangentially related. It might take 5 years, might take decades, but you have to be open to the possibility that what you do blows up into something HUGE.

And yes, there's the shelf life aspect of it. But if you don't get your break within 5 years, just keep going with it. Because you get to do what you love and at the very least it covers your cost of living.

Plus, any guy, successful or not, who can prove himself that rock solid is going to be attractive to most any girl.

I am confused. You say there is no shelf life in finding a girlfriend but you say your time has come and gone. Doesn't that contradict what you just said?

In your first post, you recommended working out but in your second post, you tell me it's a lost cause if you are past your mid-20's. I am in my late 20's now so what's the point of working out if it won't lead to anything?

I contradicted nothing. It's a personal choice for me. I'm married. I have children. I'm done. The last woman I want to know is the one I'm with right now.

It's not that I couldn't try again. I just don't want to. I find a certain amount of peace in that.

Yeah...working out. After your formative years, you can't take advantage of that testosterone rush. I mean, look, I've seen octogenarians who took up bodybuilding very late in life and these guys are obnoxiously RIPPED. And it's just because it's something they always wanted to do and never had the time. So in retirement, they just start some easy weight lifting and cardio, and a few short years later they're freakin Hulk Hogan, brother.

The shelf life isn't that you can't do it. It's just that it's so freakin HARD. Last year I started training for my first 5k. I didn't even run in PE when I was in jr. high, and I'm 38 running for a fundraiser. In the cold. In the rain. I mean, REALLY? In December and I'm weighing 180lbs. As of this morning I'm 148.

I don't recommend doing something extreme like I'm doing. I have the ability to do it and a lot of support from my family. But, like, just go vegetarian and cut your meal portions to 4 ounces. I don't know if you need to lose weight, but if so, that's how you do it.

My first job out of college I lived, no kidding, on ham sandwiches. I lost 40 lbs. in 9 months. On ham sandwiches. One single slice of ham, two slices of bread. Every day. Two meals. Every now and then I'd splurge if my gf came to visit, but that was about it. We'd go out to this place that had an amazing Sunday brunch, too, and I'd shut the restaurant down pigging out on their buffet. Good times, good times...(that job sucked butt, too, and I'm glad I got fired).

When I moved to the Delta, I was unaccustomed to the Delta lifestyle. People in the Delta have little else to do but eat, and the food is second to none--not so much in taste or quality, but more in that it is good and there's just so much of it. Obesity is a huge problem in Mississippi (see what I did there?) and you're fighting for your life to stay thin. People think something is wrong with you if you are.

So a large part of beating the "shelf life" is resisting the lifestyle either you or your environment has imposed on you. It's HARD, man. Even when I'm not doing 40 days, I still fast once or twice a week, more/less that depending on what I expect to eat total through the week--like going out, occasional fast-food (a rarity), vacations, or any time I choose not to restrict my intake. I will NOT quit all-you-can-eat buffets, but I WILL balance that by a comparable deficit before and after.

It just takes a lot of WORK, just thinking about it every day and making a habit of it all. You almost have to obsess over it. Because if you don't, it only gets worse. You do whatever it takes and follow through. I might be wrong, but I wonder if perhaps many or even most aspies struggle with this? I think maybe we have to set our minds to getting exercise and eating/lifestyle changes than NT's do, but the rewards are awesome.

Oh, and I don't mean to harp on this, but at least for me faith has had the most significant role. I know not everyone shares this attitude, but it has been a huge help.

You missed out personality, boo.

For example, if your social skills are lacking, you may need to 'work on yourself' in that respect.

People told me to work on myself aLOT when I complained about being single. It was worse on other forums. I was doing my very best to work on myself but there was only so much that was in my control. It got really annoying hearing the same clueshays instead of being told something I could actually use to help me but I guess those people didn't know or were frustrated with me or maybe I needed my $hit together more to be attractive to them.