This is going to be a long, complicated mess of over-analyzing and uncertainty. Apologies in advance.
I like this guy but I'm not the most forward person when I have a crush. I have Asperger's and he is socially awkward (as far as I've been told) but some of his behaviors register on the spectrum. Whenever I'm around him, I usually end up freezing and openly ignoring him while finding excuses to walk past him. Knowing that's how I deal with crushes, I made myself a promise that the next time I saw this guy, I'd compliment something about him as an icebreaker. I was sort of excited because I kept thinking about all the times I'd walked by him in the past; he and his group of friends would stop talking and stare; and he'd fidget/walk in a nervous half-circle enough times for me to know that he was aware of my presence and uncomfortable. Finding out whether or not "uncomfortable" was a good thing bolstered my confidence.
Since we see each other once a week at local meet point for our city, I spent the entire week trying to decide how I'd approach him. Then the day arrived and I was a nervous wreck. As I stood there eating my dessert, I tried talking myself into walking a few feet over to compliment him. I even practiced complimenting other people to make sure I could still be charming.
While I was practicing, he and one of his friends started walking toward me. I thought, 'This is it! Say something!'
But what ended up happening was more of an awkward smile/grimace as he breezed by, staring directly ahead, stone-faced and completely oblivious of me.
I mean, as ridiculous as it sounds, the perceived snub hurt my feelings. It was the first time I'd ever tried to engage him so I felt really slighted. I have a tendency to get in my head when it comes to him, and at that moment, I was all up in his imagined rejection of me. So, I did what any normal woman would when faced with debilitating embarrassment--I debated tossing myself into the sun lol.
After I allowed myself my minute of internal drama, I calmed down enough to process that I was being ridiculous and that I still hadn't even finished my dessert. Also, he'd only walked a few feet past me to get himself some dessert, too. I mentally berated myself and decided to stay, while shooting him covert looks.
He and his friend got their food, and he walked past me again toward his group of friends. I mentally prepared myself to be snubbed again when he abruptly stopped, walked back to stand directly in front of me and made a show of searching "the crowd" for his friends. The ones standing directly in eyeline, exactly where he'd left them five minutes prior.
Since this was a move I'd pulled on him many times before, I instantly recognized it. ( Or thought I did.) Emboldened, I was about to try that whole compliment thing and started looking at his clothes for something to compliment when I read his shirt. It had my name on it in all capital letters. It startled me so much that I kind of whispered "hey...?" before I could censor myself. Barely audible enough to hear and yet his eyes instantly snapped to mine and he lit up and said, "yes! Hi!" He didn't even take a second to process I was talking to him, he just already knew.
So, I complimented his shirt and he got even more excited, and sped-walked over to me so abruptly that I took an involuntary step backward. He started asking me if I liked the show his shirt was based off of, and as he talked he got closer and reached out like he was going to touch me, but drew back at the last second. A little thrown off by his enthusiastic response, I mumbled that I'd never watched it; I just liked it because it was my name and then I asked for his name. He told me, and then when I repeated his name back to him, he looked pleased as punch and...asked for my name. When I pointed out that I'd already told him, he started stuttering and apologizing, and kind of closed himself off with his body language, refusing to meet my eyes. It went awkward after that, so I politely took my leave, telling him that it was nice to meet him.
I spent the entire week somewhere between cloud 9 for having talked to him and hell for the direction it turned. I even watched the first season of the show he'd mentioned to try to give us common ground the following week.
Which brings us back to the food trucks.: I was back to being nervous. I'd spent the whole week watching YouTube videos about crushes and replaying his words and actions in my head until I was a hotbed of anxiety and uncertainty. But I made sure I dressed up to give myself enough confidence to approach him about the show he'd mentioned. When I showed up, I spotted him instantly but my body went instantly back into survival mode. I pretended I didn't see him and walked by him while scoping him out from my peripheral. As I stopped in front of him to ask a group of guys if they were waiting in line, I saw him double-take and stare at me for several moments before he hunched into himself (crossed arms, head down) and straight-up turned his back to me like I was a leper looking for a limb handout. One of his friends even grinned/laughed at me while my crush ducked his head even more. (All this took place when none of them knew I was side-eyeing them.)
He grabbed his plate of food and strode by me, staring straight ahead, and just... left. His back was so stiff and awkward, and he refused to even turn his head the slightest. It was so weird to look at. I was kindnof confused and hurt so I ended up calling it quits and leaving early.
Now I can really dig my heels in when someone intrigues me. I kept fixating on his actions and what they might mean. Rather than leaving well enough alone, I decided to take the initiative this week and approach him. When I got to our meet point, I waited until he walked by me to stop him with a soft, "hey." And I smiled at him. He looked at me blankly like he didn't remember me and then a look of comprehension dawned on his face before he said "oh, hey!"
I tried to engage him. I told him that I started the show he'd mentioned and I really enjoyed it. He seemed pleased but he kept kind of shifting his body toward where he'd been heading originally (a different food truck) so I said, "oh, I'm sorry! I'm keeping you from your meal!"
He was quick to tell me that I wasn't but he kept making moves like he was going to leave. I asked him what his favorite character was on the show, he thought about it for a moment, and then responded enthusiastically and made a joke, that we both laughed at. And as I was going to comment, he abruptly turned and left without excusing himself or saying goodbye. I called, "um bye, I guess...." to his back but I don't know if he heard me because he was ordering his food.
I went to sit down and eat my dessert. He walked by me twice, smiling to himself while staring at his phone. And that was it.
So, uh... what is going on here? I like him quite a bit but Indont think I can keep putting myself out there like this if he's not interested. I don't want to ask him outright because I'd like to practice courting him rather than just being overly blunt and scaring him off.
Tyia!
16 Jun 2017, 7:24 pm
