Why do people want to get married?

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I have been seeing a lot of young people in their late teens and early 20s getting engaged lately. I know several people who have been through divorce. My parents are divorced, I have lots of aunts and uncles who have been divorced, and I have cousins who have been divorced as well. They say that the divorce rate is at 50%. Divorce can be a brutal experience, especially for men. With the high divorce rate today, why does anyone want to take the chance of getting married? You don't know what you want when you are young. People change and grow apart from each other. How does anyone know now that their marriage is going to last? There are people who also get married multiple times. If it didn't work the first time, what makes you think it is going to work the second, third, or fourth time? I just think it is funny how people put so much effort, time, and money into a wedding just for their marriage to end in divorce later down the road.

If one partner passes away it can be a wise business decision. As well as a wise emotional decision, as it can be a real mess when an unmarried partner becomes ill and passes away.

That makes sense, but it shouldn't be all about a business decision. A lot of people today don't stay married until they reach a point where one spouse ends up sick or dies. A lot of marriages today don't last until the couple reaches old age.

Don't know back in the day i think it used to be a god thing or a political thing but now I think most people don't really care.
Yes I've seen a lot of people I knew from hs getting married I know one guy in particular won't last past a year he changes girl friends every few months even tried dating me at one point
He has a kid too with another girl i don't know why he's getting married when he switches who he's in love with every few months.
I've notice a lot of people that get divorced once and get remarried they're most likely to get it again and again.
And yes people do grow part something about actually living with someone you start to see who they really are it's not like living in separate apartments houses etc.
You see their faults they let their hair down, and their guard and you see all their dirty laundry and realize you have no idea who this person is

It does seem that marriage has largely gone out of fashion.

If two people are in love, at the time, they typically wish to spend the rest of their lives together, and marriage has many functional benefits, both tangible and intangible. Despite having been divorced, my father, who hates being alone, remarried because one of his personal ideals is a stable, officiated relationship.

If you do not value any of the things marriage entails, or you operate on the basis that the risk outweighs the benefits to you, then you will likely see no value in the concept of marriage.

Ideally I would like to marry if I found the right person (I would not marry someone merely as an alternative to being alone). I do not like casual arrangements because like casual business deals, the terms of the deal are not laid out and this introduces ambiguity into the nature of the transaction. This brings me to an important point. Many marriages fail because of ambiguity. People fail to get pre-marital counseling and discuss what they expect of their partner in the marriage. It is similar to getting a business license and taking on the liability of a business, without having or even discussing a business plan. The business will fail because there is no organization. But if you actually devise a business plan and set up a management structure, then your business can go very well.

I agree with you Chronos and I feel the same way. Though I'm not sure that pre-marriage counselling is a thing in the UK.

However, I doubt that most of the people the OP knows are that pragmatic.

I think the answer to your question is that they want to live a dream. I remember being young and liking the idea of a wedding. It seemed romantic and enjoyable, now I'm older, I still believe that marriage will suit me, but I don't want a traditional wedding, I quite fancy getting married in the blacksmiths shop at Gretna Green, no party. I now feel that it's too personal a thing to share with 200 other people, 10 would be too many for me.

Yeah, I trailed off there, young people see it as a right of passage. They want to do it. They want the big white dress and the pretty party (not sure what men see in weddings, maybe they like the idea of that pretty bride being their gal and their heart swells with pride) #conjecture.

They really trully believe that they will be of the 50% that will stay together.

Now I'm older I do look at young people getting married and shudder rather than feel joy for them, but it took me a long time to work out who I am.

I think that regular folks live in the moment and don't overthink the future. They do what they think is enjoyable now and never mind the future, we'll have the romance now and what comes will come.

This is a topic I feel strongly about. To summarize my views, I'll say this: Marriage=smart, shacking up=less smart, divorce=supremely unintelligent (yet unfortunately necessary because of stupid people), and I don't buy into the 50% divorce rate (doesn't account for repeat offenders). This will be a characteristically LONG post, so if you want the in-depth deal with marriage, vs. shacking up, and why I don't buy the "50% fail rate" thing, read on...

Marriage is a legal thing. Shacking up is not. No one can stop you from shacking up, but if you intend to spend your lives together, you do better to make it legal so that you have all those protections under the law.

Marriage is the smartest way to go. People who are married are supposed to work any internal issues out PRIVATELY. It should never have to come to counseling. But then you DO have marriage counseling if it does come to that. And, honestly, I think professional counseling is good for everyone--even if you don't have any problems, getting outside perspectives can enhance all kinds of relationships. Even after divorce proceedings begin you still have a lengthy waiting period just before you get started on the nuts and bolts, then the legal back-and-forth along the way, and THEN you have another waiting period before the final decree from the judge goes into effect.

What's interesting, on a side note, is every part of divorce proceedings is a minefield. She sues for NFD-ID. He wants to reconcile. She just wants to move on. She threatens to contest the divorce if he won't cooperate. He buries her in paperwork. His friends see her meet a guy for lunch, so he hires a P.I. to follow her. He gets evidence 30 days before the divorce is final, then HE threatens to contest the divorce if she won't reconcile. She calls shenanigans on him, he takes it to the judge. Divorce proceedings start all over from scratch, and within months HE has primary custody of the kids, most of their property held in common (that SHE helped pay for), AND--ready for this?--SHE has to pay HIM child support. It's a minefield because most people lack the discipline to honor the marriage they're trying to leave while a partner uses obstruction tactics to hold up divorce proceedings. Quick and easy divorces happen for two reasons: The other partner doesn't know he can fight it, or she's got dirt on him. In other words, she caught him cheating and has evidence. She just wants out of the marriage and to keep half her stuff. That's all. And we can do this easy, or we can do this REAL EASY. So, yeah, if you're a guy, you'll sign off on that NFD-ID and be done in 6 months, because that keeps you from being taken to the cleaners. The minefield is the longer you draw things out, the easier it is to catch someone screwing up. I don't believe in NFD's. I don't believe in blackmail. I believe in honoring vows. If you start proceedings against me, you better not blink. Because the instant you do, I'll hit you with everything I legally can. Either we reconcile or I take you to the cleaners. You choose. You pack up and leave? I'll sue you for abandonment. Cheating? Adultery, AND I'll hit the other guy with an alienation of affection suit in civil court. Some people will point out that's effectively selling my wife to another guy. Yep, I sure did. If she wants to be his whore bad enough, then fine, let him pay up. Just remember SHE'S the cheater, not me.

All of that is purely hypothetical, of course. My wife and I are great together. We are both ex-paralegals who facilitated divorces more than we'd like to admit. It's depressing work, honestly. I'm just saying those are possibilities SHOULD that proverbial $h!+ hit that proverbial fan.

Getting back to the point, that's when having a legal marriage protects you.

Let's say you're shacking up. You've been together 5 years or so, but things aren't working out. He just doesn't do it for you anymore, and there's this guy... OK, so you tell your bf that he's a nice guy and will be a great guy for any woman, just not you. There's some crying, you watch a movie, eat some popcorn and ice-cream, and you get up to go. So you say, "Look, I paid for the TV and the DVD player, so I'll come by tomorrow and pick those up." He's like, "Um, hell no you won't. I helped pay for those, too." So you agree to sell the TV and DVD and split the difference. Except you don't get what you paid for it, obviously, and now you have to agree on if you're splitting it 50/50 or by percentage of who paid what. Then you have to actually agree about you both actually paid what you paid. Or your vehicle... You paid (most of) the car note, but you needed him to sign for it since you couldn't get financing. So now he claims the car is HIS, plus he has the title, EVEN THOUGH that car is common property (he uses it, too). Maybe you could take that up with a judge if he gets ugly about it, but all a judge is going to tell you is, "ma'am, I'm sorry, but he holds the title and appears to have made all the payments. That's HIS CAR. So if you actually paid for it, first of all, you're stupid. Second, you've been screwed. Good day."

Marriage is a whole other beast. It's EXPECTED you'll have joint bank accounts, kids, vehicles/real estate, and so forth held in common. Over the course of a divorce, you hire lawyers to battle it out for you. Before it's over with, you will come to some compromise agreement that you'll both equally hate. But you'll agree to it because it means you don't have to put up with each other's crap anymore. Plus it keeps you from getting fleeced quite as bad as you could have. Before the final decree goes into effect, the judge will have signed off on your "agreement" (to disagree), you can move on with your life, and MAYBE you can forget the whole embarrassing thing ever happened in the first place. And if you're ex tries to pull some crap on you about property you disposed of in the divorce, you've already got a judge backing you up. You've got a piece of paper, and you can ask him if that's his signature at the bottom of the page on the blueback.

Those are things you can't do just shacking up. Shacking up isn't really the best idea, though a lot of people do it. You have a lot more legal protections in marriage, especially if things take a bad turn. Plus, you're family if you're married. You can't go see someone in the hospital in some cases unless you're a family member--or worse, they can't come see YOU if something goes wrong. Or what if someone dies suddenly? You can't inherit anything, and if you've been depending on that person for maintaining a household and a lifestyle, you're screwed. Or, heck, what if YOU die? Will your partner have the ability to dispose of you and your stuff? Will he or she be cared for after you're gone? Or what if you have kids? OK, hun, it's been a great ride, the kids are great, but see, I met this girl... So I think I'm just gonna take off. Just keep the stuff. And the kids, too, I don't care. She's not gonna go out with someone with kids, so...HAVE FUN!! ! Uh...NO. Yes, there are things you can do about that. But being married protects you from potential situations like that. Married people say, "OK, go have fun with your new playmate! Sure, I'll keep the kids, but you WILL pick them up every other weekend. Oh yeah, and 3/4 of your paycheck is MINE now. You're welcome! Buh-byeeeeeee!"

None of this is new. These issues have been around for millennia, and it never changes. It never will. Even Jesus made a strong case AGAINST marriage. Matthew 19:3-11. The idea is that you make those vows in a covenant relationship, so really it's one man, one woman, forever. Divorce is a reality because people are stubborn and selfish, the part of human nature that makes relationships unlivable. So even if you escape an unlivable marriage (unlivable because YOUR selfishness makes it unlivable for YOU) only to remarry, you're still cheating on your ex because you don't have a legit excuse for divorce in the first place. Likewise, I've told my wife the only way I'd ever initiate divorce proceedings is if she cheated on me, had a baby, and would not give the baby up for adoption. I know, it seems selfish if I'm willing to forgive cheating but won't care for someone else's baby. The issues here are that pretending the child is mine when it is not makes the burden of caring for it the same way I care for my own too difficult to justify and that it would be impossible for me to forget about the cheating with a little reminder running around for the rest of my life. Plus, if it got out the baby was not mine, that would mean some other guy would have the right to impose on our relationship through custody rights and so on. I'm not up for a 3-way ANYTHING, so when you add it all up, yeah, I'd have to walk on that one. Jesus said I could. So I get that there are situations that make divorce NECESSARY. To be honest, though, I'd still honor my vows and just avoid women in any romantic context. Even Jesus said I'd be free to do what I want in that case, and even with me being a religious person, it still doesn't matter. I just don't care to relive that again, the whole dating thing and all. My wife has been the best for me, and I just don't want to know what it's like to be with anyone else.

If you really think about it, LTR's are tough. You can get in trouble with marriage. You can get in trouble shacking up. Geez, with that much of a hassle, why do people WANT to do either? Young people I'm sure are attracted to the romantic side of it all, but they have NO IDEA what it's really like long-term. It's tough, and not everyone is cut out for it. That's PERFECTLY OK. Unless you really, REALLY want it and everything that goes with it--the good, the bad, and the f-ugly--the risk really isn't worth it. Everyone talks about love, how love is the answer, how love heals, blah, blah, blah... Look, love the way most of us understand it simply IS NOT ENOUGH to make marriage and LTR's work. Not the love you FEEL. It's the love you DO that keeps it together. It's not the love in your heart. It's the love you give.

"In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

One last thing: Divorce rate. Here's a fun fact for all you 50%ers out there. MOST problems that lead to divorce are fixable. I already told you exactly where my "line in the sand" is. Everyone has one, so don't feed me a bunch of bull on love being unconditional. There are always conditions. That's just how people are. The trick is matching up with someone whose conditions match your own. But people more often get into marriage not being honest about their deal breakers. They LOOOOOOVE their mate. Oh, don't worry, he'll change. I'll get him trained. No, sweetheart. No, he really won't. And he'll resent you for trying to "train" him. Divorce happens not because of the issues of the person wanting to stay in the marriage. It happens because of the issues the person has who initiates it. I'm not talking about contested divorces for grounds, I'm talking about NFD's. Which, btw, is a contradiction in terms because someone is ALWAYS at fault in a divorce, even in a NFD. There's a reason you want out. And you think a divorce will solve all your problems. The thing is, if you DEALT with your problems, you wouldn't get divorced in the first place. What happens is people get remarried without dealing with their personal and relational issues. Because of that, those issues follow them into subsequent marriages, which subsequently fail. Divorce rates are kinda like fake news. The "real news" here isn't that marriages fail. It's that so many people fail at marriage. If you suck at one marriage, why think the next one is will be any better? Again, I'm not ignoring the fact that women will dump a husband if he cheats or beats up on her or their kids. I get that. It's the whole "I just don't love him/her anymore" thing that bothers me. "The spark is gone." "He/she isn't intimate with me the way he/she used to be." The same girl that said "Oh, I'll get him trained" will say "He's just not the same man I married" some 10 or 20 years later. Look, if that was the deal, WHY EVEN BOTHER?

Actually...now that I think about it, I know someone who cheats on her husband every chance she gets. Part of it is certain bad habits he refuses to give up, but I think he's showing early signs of dementia. So things in the bedroom have gotten stale, while this other guy arranged a 3-way for her birthday, or some crap like that. REALLY??? Your husband is falling apart and you're too concerned with getting some excitement back in your life to even notice or even care??? Say what you want about me, but I think that's a b!+ch thing to do to someone. Would it come as a surprise that she's failed at marriage before? Yup, this one is marriage #2. She sucks at it. Plain and simple. And she could ditch this guy, break up the marriage with this OTHER guy, and suck at marriage #3.

So, yeah, I call shenz on the 50% fail rate. A lot of people just suck at being married. That's the gist of it. If you suck at one marriage, can't get your stuff straight after a divorce, then DON'T FREAKIN' GET MARRIED!! ! In the words of Yoda, "THAT is why you fail."

This is so true.

the reason i always hear is that people marry and have children to have someone take care of them when they're old and gray. because it's lonely and sad to be alone forever............which i find very selfish.

That varies with culture. For me, it's mostly about leaving a legacy. Kids are our only way of surviving beyond the grave. Even in ancient Hebrew culture it was believed that a man still existed as long as his bloodline and his family name continued through male heirs. Once his name disappeared from among his people, he was truly dead. I'm not a Hebrew, but I feel like I've been a largely forgettable person who'll never be remembered for much of anything. So if I want my life to mean something, it will hinge on what my children do in life.

I don't really want to die, which is a view shared probably by most people in the world. So if I want all the potential I've had in life to reach across generations, it's best I teach my kids.

Admittedly, this IS selfish. But all motives for doing anything ultimately ARE selfish.

You don't really need to be married to be a good parent though.

I always saw marriage as a formal "alliance" with somebody. I'd happily marry the right woman, though I'm well past believing I'm ever going to meet the right woman so what I think of marriage doesn't really matter in the end.

You don't need to be married for much of anything. It's mostly a legal issue that provides some benefit and protection and operates like a contract. In the Christian sense, it's taken to mean a covenant--hence the lifelong vows. But a religious covenant need not be recognized by the state. If it didn't have such great social and political impact, legal marriage wouldn't exist.

But yeah, you're right about it being a formal alliance. To me, the biggest deal is that it joins two FAMILIES together. Part of the problem of marrying "for 'love'" is young couples aren't concerned about how it affects their families. Without families unifying behind newlyweds, without the support of in-laws, marriages are set up for failure.

It seems for many people it's just "something you do"--like it's part of the social expectation. It's also part of growing up, and that's part of the reason I'm disinterested in it--I don't feel like an adult somehow even though I am legally, age-wise, and in terms of living situation and whatever.

As people get older, it's also part of feeling secure, almost like joining another family. In some cases it does literally lead to creating a new family, of course.

That is exactly how I feel. I have no interest in growing up or doing adult things. That is part of the reason why I don't want to get married or have kids. It would make me feel fully grown and I don't want that. That is not the only reason why I don't want to get married, but it is part of it.

Well that sounds lovely, but what about those of us who have antisocial parents. Am I not marriage material because I come with difficult parents?

Should my close friend not have married her husband because his parents are difficult even though they both work as a team and are happy together?

Ideally, yes it would be great to marry into a unified family, but the reality is that's not always possible and I'd rather not write someone off because of who their parents or brother or sister are.