Blending families

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I found the website doing research on autism as I don't have any children with autism but for the last 7 months I've been dating a very wonderful lady who has a sweet 9 year old son with Autism and a 15 year old without. I myself am 50 years old and divorced with three children (14, 10 and 8: boy/girl/boy). She told me in the very beginning about her son and I honestly thought if things work out between us I would be able to be a stepdad to her son. She herself is divorced and has her boys full time as her ex passed away just a year and a half ago.

In the beginning things seemed to go very well (and in general things do go generally well). However, I find myself not knowing how to relate to him and the same goes for my kids as this is new to them as well. I try to explain to them the situation with her son but it's difficult even with the reading I've done; I still feel like I know very little about autism.

As I said I'm having trouble feeling close to her son (like I'm not close at all) and from what I've read that's common. If it develops it's a slow process and different than if he was my own blood; I guess that could apply to any future stepdad trying to develop a bond with his partners kids.

We've talked about the future and what that might look like; We suspect her and the boys would live with me full time and my kids would be with us half the time each week. Last night we had a talk and she wants to know where our relationship is going. The longer we've been together I've started to have questions: How will her son change during adolescence? How will my kids change as they hit adolescence? What will the combined effect be? I'll be 60 when he is 19; will I be in a place health wise and physically to help with him? Will I loose time with my three because of the needs of her son as time goes on? Will mine resent me for it? Sounds like her son will be with us for the rest of our lives.

I really love this lady and at the same time I feel my commitment and duty is to my kids at this point in there life. I realize the experience together could be rewarding for everyone or it could go the other way. To compound the situation I run my own company and have a lot of responsibility there and it does take a good amount of my time.

Does anyone have any experience in blending families such as ours? Does anyone have any advice they could share. I feel like time is of the essence for us to proceed or go our separate ways. It breaks my heart to think about loosing her but at 50 with three kids of my own and a business to run I'm starting to question whats best for everyone. Everyone with experience keeps telling me its going to get a lot harder before it gets better. It's heartbreaking because I can't imagine not being with her; she's an angel. Thank you in advance.

I kind of have experience. Me and my kids are all on the spectrum, though once you met one person with autism you met one person as we're all unique too so what works for my kids, might not work for you. First of all I don't know if he's high functioning or middle/low functioning as there is a different method needed for both. My son from my first relationship was low functioning and now somewhere in the middle. Does her son have any special interests or obsessions you can join in with. With my son when my daughters dad came into his life was riding up and down the trams between Ironforge and Stormwind in wow. So they did that for hours! Or they went to theme parks and did thrill rides together, although you might be a bit old for that, but your kids would be the right age for it. I mean who doesn't like the idea of being thrown upside whilst spinning endlessly whilst your parents look on about to have a heart attack in case something goes wrong...

My daughter on the other hand is high functioning but very over friendly and has befriended more people than I care to count, generally men also.... No idea where she's picking this up from. So she hasn't been an issue, plus she's 3 so can be brought on you playing tea parties or babies with her. So my new relationship (her dad was a serial cheater so eventually left etc) has gone smoothly with from her point of view. My son is now 10 though and still has issues. His interests are more obscure now, although my partner will happily take him and himself and ride the buses of the cities we live between for a while. He says it gives him a chance to catch up on his reading as my son generally chooses to sit next to an old lady or a 1 person seat. He's still into gaming though and that helps.

There are also books about autism on amazon, I can't think of the name of some on the top of my head but just type autism and there will be a wide selection of books explaining things in simple age appropriate way to your kids.

As for what he'll be like as he gets older no one knows. Many high functioning will go on and lead independent lives, go to college or get some kind of work, have family etc. Some lower functioning ones might end up in care or with parents, they are even building autistic villages and I hope my son will get into one once he graduates school as I can't see him living independently any time soon.

Thanks for the reply. It helped a bunch. I tend to be a worry wart and overthink a lot of things.

Her son I'm guessing is high functioning but I'm not totally sure. He goes to public school but is in a special needs program. He loves his iPad and all sorts of building puzzles. He seems like a sweet boy and I've never seen him really get very upset. The most I've seen is him being majorly persistent and whinny. Something I'm not use to but can certainly handle.

Thanks again.

i don't have kids, but i have asperger's. and i was that asperger's kid with violent outbursts.

i don't really feel it should be a dealbreaker, but it's easy for me to say that because i wouldn't want my disability to be a dealbreaker. but you should do your research and give yourself the best amount of knowledge about him before you even start to think about a decision. it starts with figuring out where exactly he is on the autism spectrum. his lifestyle may be very limited. he may only be interested in one or two hobbies. he may have rituals, and he may only be interested in eating 3 or 4 different foods. i would study and read as many books as you can about asperger's. try to learn about him and the disability and figure out how you can be the best role model to him that you can.

i also think it's important you know that his disability isn't going to guarantee that he'll be living with you well into his 20s. it's very possible that he will, but it's also possible he can go to college, get a degree, or go into the work force. or get married. we do those things. he just needs positive experiences and encouragement, and if he's around the right people who include him and treat him right, there's no reason he can't grow up to be successful and happy, disabled or not.

Thanks for the advice. I'll take it to heart and keep doing my research and you're right; shouldn't make assumptions as people are remarkable and full of surprises. Thanks again

I don't have kids & don't want them but it sounds to me like your overthinking. Your so focused on on what might be best for everyone else that your putting your own wants/needs on the back-burner. There is no way to know for sure what will happen with all this & guessing only gets you so far & is only so accurate. My advice would be to go for it but try to take things slow if you can. For example her kids can visit you while your with her & her son if they haven't already.