Almost ten years and things don't seem to be getting better

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I've struggled with trying to break out of the rut when it comes to dating for almost ten years now and it doesn't feel like I will ever break out of it. I go through each day feeling like finding a partner is out of my reach and my life is slowly eroding away. Most of my co-workers are married or atleast dating someone and most of the patrons I see are the same. It's like everyone is part of a party and my invitation got lost in the mail.

I know that feeling down on yourself isn't attractive but I don't know how to feel happy with myself since I've had so many disappointing and unproductive events happen in my life. I'm also part of a culture that shuns-even threatens-individuality and praises conformity.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been stuggling :'(. Have you tried using dating agencies? Or maybe trying to meet women who live further away from you?

Without intruding may I ask in what way you struggle. Is it meeting people? Finding girls you like? Finding girls who like you?

What do you feel is holding you back in terms of dating?

This will be a long post but bear with me.

This is the first time I've heard of dating agencies. If they are anything like dating sites, they would be unproductive for me since those sites just wasted my time. I don't have the money to travel and I don't know any women online who are looking for a relationship.

I struggle in all three things and they are all interconnected in some ways.

Trying to meet other people makes me feel like I am of a different species. In the culture I live in, social life revolves around drinking, smoking, cussing up a storm, country music, how America is going down the drain, hoping Donald Trump wins, the latest murder on the news, and the latest celebrity spectacle. Being in the Bible Belt, you also have people boasting about how they are 'good Christians' but they are nothing like Christ in how they walk in life. They think atheism is the same as Satanism and rock music is evil. Texas truly does have a lot of rednecks but there is also surprisingly a large hip hop culture as well. However, just because they are different from the rednecks doesn't make them my allies. They think the music I like is just "screaming and noise" and they think I'm a 'p****' for not being a 'gangsta' as well for not putting my penis into a woman every day. People also seem very closed off, even at social places. They don't approach you (Unless they see you smoking or they think you smoke and will ask you for a smoke) and will have their eyes set on their cell phones or on the TVs.

I don't know where to find girls I would have things in common with. A lot of the girls I encounter only want to read romance novels, watch sappy TV shows, listen to sappy music like Kelly Clarkson, shop for the most expensive clothes, and think if you aren't a 'good Christian man', you are a bad person. I was actually rejected by a girl who had pre-marital sex left and right but would only do it if the guy was a 'good Christian man'. I know there are some gothic, nerdy, and punk girls around here since they come into the library but I don't know where they hang out. It's like they go into an alternate dimension once they leave the library.

The girls around here seem to only want 'bad boys' or guys who look like GQ models. I've tried dating sites, speed dating, and even a fling site out of desperation and I didn't get a single match on any of them. Part of the reason why I started playing the guitar was because I was told girls like guitar players but no girl was impressed by that at all. They only cared if you were on the school football team (Despite being an American, I abhor that sport) or had a giant truck that blasted terrible country music.

I feel held back by a lot of things. Aside from the stuff I've listed above, I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, my living situation is embarassing, and I don't have any talents even in the things I am passionate about.

Third wave feminists swear up and down about how men are so priveleged and what not. Hearing that makes my blood boil. Even here in the Bible Belt, the most conservative and anti-feminist region in the US, I've never had any of this so-called male privelege. Most of my bullies in school were other males who would call me "fa***t" and "queer" even though a lot of those guys would do things like pinch my nipples through my shirt and one pulled me down and dry humped me. If I cried, I was told to stop it or I would get something to really cry about. I was told I needed to pump iron and be competitive at everything if I wanted a girlfriend. No guy came to my aide when I was lonely and wanting a girlfriend. They left me in the dark.

Geez, man, what an immature community in which you reside.

I may have to strongly recommend to stop focusing on trying to date and focus more on being able to move to a better community. I assure you that people are different from region to region. Sell your stuff & go travel.

So all your married coworkers are bad boys or CQ models?

I think not, it's not that.

^It may still be.

Maybe his married co-workers were the former a55høles who managed to mature (rare, but it happens).

Some however remain a55høles their entire lives.

Or maybe it's not that, and it's that the married people in his town settled.

His married co-workers could almost entirely very well be the football player in high school who became overweight and in terrible health by age 30-40 stereotype.

Also, who says he actually likes his co-workers or he thinks they're decent people?

Nope, most of my co-workers are bitter married older women and there are only four men, myself included, who work in the circulation area of the library. I'm the youngest of the men. One goes to church a lot, the other is ex-military, and the last is a guitar player.

OP, approach these nerdy or gothic women you see at the library, or even a gothic/nerdy looking man.

You can directly ask them about where all their kind hang out.

"Excuse me, but...I was wondering...I've been interested in getting into being goth and such, and I haven't really met many other goths in this town. I was wondering if you could tell me where all the goths seem to hang out around here, because I see a lot come in the library here but not much else. Do you think you could help me out please?"

It's worth a shot. I have heard plenty of advice from others who live in small towns before that the best way to seek what you find, is to often just ask.

At the very least even if you don't get to know the person you approached personally, she or he can re-direct you to meet those you can, or even be your guide/lead you to more of their own kind.

It depends though if you're interested in learning about goth.

Maybe you could say you don't want to specifically become goth, but find it fascinating and want to learn more.

Just like if you approach the nerds/geeks, politely ask them if they know of any anime clubs in town or board-game meetups or such.

These interests are common among nerdy/geeky types and usually what they use as a basis for having social gatherings.

You've got to overcome your anxiety and begin to make an effort.

unfortunately where I'm from we don't have many of those types of women who are looking for a good christian man as you say so my advice might not be great. Although my boyfriend just spent a month in Texas (in Denton near Dallas) and told me how people were like really religious but pretty kinky at the same time. Maybe you should put on and english accent apparently women were into it.

Perhaps working on your issues can help you to get a good job and save money to meet women else where? although as a sufferer of clinical depression myself I understand how hard that can be.

library's and cafes are always good places to meet people, but it takes a lot of confidence to approach and speak to people. Dating agencies are local agencies that meet with single people and set them up with other singletons. some people find it a good way of meeting people face to face if they don't enjoy online dating. We have them here in England but you would have to investigate to see if they are available in your area.

Are you atheist? If so it must be difficult in such a religious state

@Alliekit: you're spot on about North Texas being pious. I lived in Wichita Falls for a year (about 100 miles northwest of Ft Worth). It wasn't quite the town from Footloose, but it is uber-conservative.

South Texas is more laid back, with Austin and Houston being very liberal and progressive. San Antonio is the best of both worlds.

I don't know enough about West Texas to comment.

Something that has definitely plagued me for years. It's like my mind is malfunctioning when I am supposed to approach someone and the fear wins out.



Very true. Grown men here still make s**t and fart jokes and giggle like idiots when they hear medical terms.



What was he doing in Texas? I don't know if changing my accent would do anything. In my experience, the women here only find American accents attractive.

I've been at the same job for almost ten years now. It's actually been my first and only job in my life so far. I started when I was in high school and unfortunately also when the depression really kicked in. The depression affected my spending so my finances aren't the best.

My job is actually at the city library but it hasn't been conductive to making new friends or potential dates. Unless I've been missing social ques or the depression has turned potential girlfriends away, I am lost on how the library could be helpful for me. How would a cafe be helpful?

My beliefs tend to swing from atheistic to agnostic from time to time. This is partly due to the intensity depression has on my mind.

He was in texas for work. He is a ballet shoe maker for suffolk pointe. I was joking about the accent because while he was there women kept approaching him and telling him his British accent was sexy hehehe.

I just meant that there are usually ladies in cafes and libraries that you can approach and talk to

Well, the thing about the library is that people tend to already have their eyes in a book or cell phone so they put up a "Don't bother me" barrier whenever I see them. At cafes, people usually already have company with them so I can never join in or they might just want to enjoy their meal and not be disturbed.

I don't mean to come off like I am shooting down your advice but I've been told to do things like what you just recommended before and they were unproductive endeavors. Sometimes I think I just need to slash my throat since it feels like there is no hope at all. I have an emptiness in my soul that never gets filled and just gets bigger with each passing day that I don't find a partner.

You are definitely, absolutely, completely, and totally, entirely taking life too seriously, and putting far too much of your feelings into the external factor of having a partner. I tell you what to do now. Next time you see a group who's talking, especially if there are any pretty girls amongst them, you walk up to an area near the group where they can see you, such as strutting your stuff up right in front of them, then you PROUDLY EXCLAIM...:

"I see a group ! Time for some flexing now ! ;D" ...then you start doing this like, flexing routine, such as how a professional body-builder might show off in front of the crowd as one of the arsenals that you can use as an ice-breaker. I find that it makes the pretty ladies manage to laugh quite frequently. Remember watching the movie : "Who framed Roger Rabbit ?" Remember when that detective-type character in the movie asked Jessica what she saw in that wabbit ? Well, her answer was basically, that he makes her laugh...

...anyway, I will tell you the secret as to why you are not having any success in being able to attract a partner, and that entirely has to do with the fact that you have not developed your confidence-building routines. I can tell you for a fact that, because I am just bursting with confidence, that there are always a bunch of ladies who keep on hiding in my closets and trunks of my cars and other hidden places just to jump on top of me all of a sudden and beg me for ludicrous amounts of sex (okay, the last line was something that I actually picked up from one of those marketers, but hey, exaggerating is what some people do when they're on a roll after all).

All that matters is that you build up your skills in order (what I mean by this is NO skipping; you go from white belt to yellow then orange and green and blue and red and brown or whatever other colours that they use depending on the market-version of a martial arts system before you get to black-belt levels of abilities). From what I see you aren't doing anything to get them wanting to ask you questions about you.

Take your guitar with you if you must, you can even randomly go up to a group and sing about me if you want, just make sure that the lyrics are hilarious of course, something like : "A group! A group! You know what this means? It's time to sing... because today is National Randomly Sing in Front of a Group so We can All Become Friends Day! Hurray! Hurray! (Encore, encore, etc)" Make an entire song of conversation-inviting lyrics and practice it a lot at home before you go out if you must and you'll have a much easier time becoming "popular" for what it's worth which will automatically increase your exposure to social-circles which will in turn help bring you a step closer to eventually being able to be introduced by one of those people to a potential possible partner.

CONFIDENCE, pal, WORK on the creative ways to pull it off. That is the one thing that we Autistics typically have far more to our advantage than the typical NTs, that we are supposed to have the ability to be creative in our methods for problem-solving, lest we try to act like biological-robots...

Tried the dating agency route and was denied because I don't work full time. It's hard to feel confident when it feels like you keep getting nothing as far as results go.

After reading your first post, I can't make heads or tails out of what kind of girl you are even looking for. Then you say a lot of what you don't like about the ones you have met. Women have some different interests than men. I like romance novels (and mystery), romantic comedy movies, but I also like to shoot guns and wouldn't mind doing a few guy things too. I think you are closing out people just on first impressions. Then if you consider yourself atheist, if you live in a religious community, that isn't going to help. I think religion is a big deal to people and being atheist or agnostic are two different things. You say you work part-time and finances aren't the best, so maybe you should look into that first (college, different job) and also figure out what kind of girl you really do want - what are your dealbreakers. Otherwise, you will take up with the first person that comes along and it won't end well. You sound like you want to get married, so I think you need a plan first.

I have a plan, just haven't found the right Hunny (in my area).