Help with dating an aspie

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Hey, i need some advice please. My boyfriend is amazing so long as I don't ever have a serious or adult conversation with him or ask him to do anything adult ish. He offered to do a partnership visa with me but he seems to find it impossible to find a job despite having had months to find one, won't move in with me despite saying he wants to cuz he doesn't have a job, keeps 'forgetting' to fill in the paperwork. Everything he does screams he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't care if I stay in NZ or not.

However when I say I'm moving into a place without him, getting my residency by working at a job I hate that will sponsor me, paying way more to do it and can't see him as much cuz I pay for everything and need to save money to stay here, he cries and says a bunch of amazing things and makes me believe that he will get off his butt and do things...and then he doesn't.

He also lied to me about sleeping with his ex during the month he broke up with me, and he slept with another girl. Didn't tell me even though I said I just needed to know to get STI tested or not. He then after 7 months of dating, still hadn't told his ex he was with me, I made him tell her and that night he didn't stay at mine and told her he loved her and she was the only one. Which I found on his phone 4 months later. He doesn't set boundaries with people who hit on him and there is a few of them, one being a school mate. He does all his projects with her, they talk all the time about her stuff, he is currently on a shool trip and she is staying in his room with 3 other girls and one other guy.

He expects me to believe he won't cheat but yet he never tells me she is going with him, I find out after or if I ask the right questions. He never is upfront about anything to do with girls and I have huge trust issues to begin with.

Am I being an idiot staying? Is it his aspergers? Will he ever move out of his dad's house? Will he actually help me with my visa? Does he even actually care or am I just something fun to play with when he wants me and I cook and clean and give him massages so he is happy and I'm a convenience? Do I stick with this??? I have been in therapy for years for my PTSD and depression and I am a boss at communicating. I have tried everything I know and it is like talking to a brick wall or trying to explain brain surgery to a baby. I am so frustrated but so in love. Help me please anyone?

I'd guess it partly is his aspergers. Many people with aspergers are immature. Many have a problem with finding and keeping a job or generally with being an adult and acting responsibly. Not all, but more than in the general population.
But not all of it is his aspergers. The thing with his ex and the other girls and lying to you probably is not. That's just him being selfish and not caring enough about you. The rest might also partly be due to him not caring enough. Maybe he's just too lazy to try harder to find a job. How much of it is his aspergers is difficult to tell as everyone with aspergers has a bit different symptoms.


Many aspies become independent from their parents quite late. Some never do. He may or may not be able to do any of that now or ever. His symptoms may be too severe or he may be too comfortable blaming everything on his autism and not even trying.


Honestly, it doesn't seem like he cares enough. Even if it's actually a lot harder for him to find and cope with a job than for most people, there still is that thing with the other girls and lying to you. If he cares, his cognitive empathy must be pretty impaired and either way he doesn't sound like relationship material.

Don't stay with someone who lies to you and tells their ex she's the only one. This is not a symptom of Asperger's. Don't put your life on hold for anyone. Go do what you need to do. You never know if he'll still be living with a parent when he's 50. Dating someone with Asperger's is difficult, but dating a dick is unnecessary.

Traits of a Narcissist

If you want, I can give you some more references.....

Thanks it is hard to read because I do love him. I have some serious thinking I need to do. He always seems like he is trying but it seems to start and fade away.