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Attracted to people with little concrete in common?

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biostructure
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09 May 2017, 2:53 am

Hi all,

Lately something has occurred to me.

I do want a girlfriend with many similarities in personality. Yes, there are some differences--I'd prefer a girl be slightly more in touch with the world around her than I am, a bit more joyful/laughing and slightly less intensely ambitious, but these are just differences of degree. I would like someone who shares with me creativity, imagination, and being off in her own world. I also want someone in a similar developmental stage, i.e. mentally kind of an adolescent despite being an adult in years.

However, most girls to whom I'm attracted spend their free time doing actual activities that are completely different from what I do. Like, I spend my free time looking at/thinking about molecules, looking at nature photographs online, and hiking. The girls I like may spend most of their free time writing, reading novels, watching movies, etc.

Aside from wanting an outdoorsy girl, with other things it would actually be a letdown to find out that a girl has the same hobbies I do--plus, particularly in terms of the molecule-related stuff, I doubt anyone thinks about them in quite the way I do. I have always lived in my own little world, and gotten much of my identity from my individuality--therefore a girl who inhabits the same tiny niche that I do would make me feel less original, and thus less secure in myself.

I wonder to what degree this is a factor in why the girls I like don't tend to like me back. It seems a lot of people, early on in relationships, try to bond over concrete things they have in common. Like, they ask people if they have seen the same movies, read the same books, gone to the same cultural events, etc. This is obviously not going to be a productive way to find commonality with me, even though if I like a girl I'd be happy asking her what she likes about the movies, books, etc. that she likes. It's just not a "me too" moment.

There's this girl who recently told me she's not interested (the latest in a long string of them). She had one boyfriend before (I think only one), and I've seen Facebook pictures and posts of them together, where they are wearing matching shirts for their favorite sports team and talking about movies together. This is just one example, but maybe most girls want to be able to talk about common experiences right off the bat? Whereas, I find nothing more romantic than learning about the world of someone who does completely different things than I do.

Is anyone else like me in this respect?



K_Kelly
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09 May 2017, 4:49 am

For me, I kind of liked girls who were unlike me and were socially active and popular. Of course, she doesn't have to be popular, and I'm not sure if this is what you meant.



Anngables
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09 May 2017, 9:08 am

I think as long as you are compatible in your main outlook on life. . . . I.e. Morals, strong important beliefs (i.e. For me I couldn't be with someone who had extreme conflicting political views) then it is nice to have some very different interests. I have friends who have interest in things I have never studied at all like geology , physics etc. For me to have some one tell me about a subject which they are passionate about, and what to show me and include me in that interest is a wonderful thing.

So yes I agree that differing interests can be a good thing as long as your personality types are compatible



biostructure
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10 May 2017, 1:09 am

K_Kelly wrote:
For me, I kind of liked girls who were unlike me and were socially active and popular. Of course, she doesn't have to be popular, and I'm not sure if this is what you meant.


I didn't mean socially active and popular. I meant just that you have very little in common in how you concretely spend your day, especially your free time, in terms of activities, what kind of places you frequent, etc.

For instance, I share with my fellow grad students that we spend much of our day in lab, some of it in classes (especially the first-years), most of us live in apartments near a university, etc. Those are all very concrete things. However, who I am as a person is quite different from a decent number of grad students, who relationship-wise and emotionally are more mature, and who think about science in a different, often less "romantic" sort of way. On the other hand, I might click emotionally with a girl who lives with her parents and draws her own comic books. Such a girl may share a value in her imagination, but might live in some out-of-the-way suburban neighborhood, may well never have been in a lab, probably goes to art stores rather frequently, might go to comic conventions, etc.

You bring up a point, though--these girls being into things that are less "nerdy" often does translate into them being somewhat more popular. Like that girl wearing the matching sports shirt, she has a whole group of girlfriends she hangs out with, and yet she is definitely lower-functioning than myself and is in a disability-related program, which would mean more isolation with all else being equal. I'm not attracted to the really extraverted, socially oriented sorority/party girls though, for anything other than sometimes their looks--certainly not FOR their popularity. In high school I was maybe a bit similar to you in that I liked the sweet and sentimental girly-girls who were definitely more outgoing than myself, though not the same as the leaders of the party pack.

Anngables wrote:
I have friends who have interest in things I have never studied at all like geology , physics etc. For me to have some one tell me about a subject which they are passionate about, and what to show me and include me in that interest is a wonderful thing.


That's great! That's exactly what I want to do for a girlfriend.



Chronos
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16 May 2017, 4:14 am

biostructure wrote:
Hi all,

Lately something has occurred to me.

I do want a girlfriend with many similarities in personality. Yes, there are some differences--I'd prefer a girl be slightly more in touch with the world around her than I am, a bit more joyful/laughing and slightly less intensely ambitious, but these are just differences of degree. I would like someone who shares with me creativity, imagination, and being off in her own world. I also want someone in a similar developmental stage, i.e. mentally kind of an adolescent despite being an adult in years.

However, most girls to whom I'm attracted spend their free time doing actual activities that are completely different from what I do. Like, I spend my free time looking at/thinking about molecules, looking at nature photographs online, and hiking. The girls I like may spend most of their free time writing, reading novels, watching movies, etc.

Aside from wanting an outdoorsy girl, with other things it would actually be a letdown to find out that a girl has the same hobbies I do--plus, particularly in terms of the molecule-related stuff, I doubt anyone thinks about them in quite the way I do. I have always lived in my own little world, and gotten much of my identity from my individuality--therefore a girl who inhabits the same tiny niche that I do would make me feel less original, and thus less secure in myself.

I wonder to what degree this is a factor in why the girls I like don't tend to like me back. It seems a lot of people, early on in relationships, try to bond over concrete things they have in common. Like, they ask people if they have seen the same movies, read the same books, gone to the same cultural events, etc. This is obviously not going to be a productive way to find commonality with me, even though if I like a girl I'd be happy asking her what she likes about the movies, books, etc. that she likes. It's just not a "me too" moment.

There's this girl who recently told me she's not interested (the latest in a long string of them). She had one boyfriend before (I think only one), and I've seen Facebook pictures and posts of them together, where they are wearing matching shirts for their favorite sports team and talking about movies together. This is just one example, but maybe most girls want to be able to talk about common experiences right off the bat? Whereas, I find nothing more romantic than learning about the world of someone who does completely different things than I do.

Is anyone else like me in this respect?


I find that males....at least young ones, more often think common hobbies are a necessity than females do. I've heard many young men, and even men in their 30's express desires for a girl who likes anime, or the type of music he likes (these two are extremely common) but I've never heard of a woman say she wished she could find a guy who shares her love of scrap booking or blogging. I suspect this desire many men have that their mate shares their interest in their hobby. I will refrain from speculating why that is. Personally I don't think it necessary that two people have many hobbies or interests in common as long as they have things they enjoy doing together, a compatible dynamic, and similar life goals, philosophies, and political orientations.

I bet your problem is more likely one of "type", meaning your image does not attract your type.



GiantHockeyFan
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16 May 2017, 6:54 am

I recently reconnected with a friend who is 37 and single. I have tried to explain to him over and over again that just because he is into sports doesn't mean he needs to be in a relationship with one who is. I stopped talking to him because I was tired of him complaining because his partner *had* to share interests. My wife can't stand sports, I don't like her main hobbies (as 99.999% of men would too) and our marriage is great. Why? Because 1) I just like spending time with Mrs. GHF and 2) It's a nice change of pace to go with her to yard sales, antique shops, etc. I love her because she is NOT another me.



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16 May 2017, 1:49 pm

Sometimes it's hard to find someone you are both physically attracted to and mentally attracted to. I think having a lot of common interests, things you like to talk about, places you like to go, commonalities are very helpful for a long term relationship. In the short term physical attraction works fine, but in the long term if there are too many differences I think it becomes problematic, unless both people are very flexible or can find some common interests to share.