People are.. well, just people..

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Hello guys,
I have been a silent follower of this website for long and finally decided to make an account here.. So, a warm hello to all. I want to share with you guys, my relationship experience.
I met someone through okcupid site two years ago and we started a relationship. Somethings were good, somethings were bad, but mostly it was confusing for me.. Sometimes, I ended up saying things that offended my partner, even though I did not mean it. For example, when she asked me to give her the name of an animal, I said a "snake" because I was thinking of something related to snakes at that time. That made her angry. Further, she ended up crying a lot that I could not show empathy as she expected me to. My practical mind always tried to look at the source of her pain rather than show traditional empathy.. Also it was extremely difficult for me to hug her in public or hold her hands in public, look at her eyes and speak i.e. all the common traits associated with Asperger's. At that time I did not know that I had aspergers but still I tried my best to learn many things and I managed to accomplish things like hugging, holding hands, showing empathy in the way she desired etc (although I found all these to be exhausting, I wanted to give my best shot and I was happy that I managed to do these things). For me, the other issue was that though we shared some common interests, she very, very rarely asked me what I was interested in. The only thing I was appreciated for was my cooking and my physical beauty (I still laugh at it). This led to the problem of sex. The few ways I knew of connecting to her was sex because I was physically attractive according to her. But the problem with sex was that when she wanted, she can have it, but when I wanted and touched her, she would get very angry and upset because it triggered some childhood wounds. I made a few mistakes too, maybe I should have asked her whether it was okay for her. While I agree that people can have wounds, I found her behaviour to be confusing. We argued a lot due to these issues (which mostly involved her shouting at me and crying and I blanking out at the yelling). She thought that I was someone to be "healed" of my wounds. Then I went on vacation to see my parents.

I got diagnosed with Asperger's then and it all made sense. And I duly informed my girlfriend. But she did not seem to pay heed to it and broke up over the phone (which I found to be a little bit not nice). Then we met again after a couple of months and got back again (she decided to take sex off the table and I was okay with it). I told her it would be nice if she could ask more about my special interests and she did.. all for one weekend.. Then last December, we went on a vacation and during that time she wanted sex. I was confused, but she told that she loved me and was attracted to me and so it was okay. Well, whatever! And the same issue repeated three weekends later. And then, the next time we met, I thought it was okay to have sex because in my logical mind there was a pattern that now it was okay to include sex in our relationship. But, big mistake! She went ballistic over it. She could have simply said "No, I do not want" and I would have been disappointed but still would have been okay. Instead she chose to shout at me and cry. The next day, when we were sleeping, due to my physical clumsiness (I move around a lot in bed), I accidentally touched her and another bout of extreme anger towards me followed. And that was that. After that we never met again. I talked to her by phone a few times but she held it against me that I despise her needs. I tried to explain that it was not the case and pointed out examples of me adapting to her like hugging, but she thought / continues to think that I do not care about her wishes. And about 1.5 months ago she said she did not want to talk to me anymore. I always thought that people should be able to resolve the issues if they can talk to each other without ego. I was never too proud to apologize, rather it was easy for me to do so.

Recently, only 3.5 months after not meeting me and 1.5 months after not talking to me, she started another relationship. I still to this day, do not understand the logic of the whole situation. I never understood why she did not take time to learn more about autism and what I go through everyday. I was there for her whenever she needed to talk to someone irrespective of my anxiety, my oversensitivity to stimuli. She is a very good person, she is compassionate towards many people (whom she has never met) yet in my case it baffles, how dissonant she was with regards to really understanding me.. It was like one rule for her and others and a different rule for me.. I get confused when people tell something and do not follow it up. Why cannot NT people recognize us for who we are and we autists (aspies, whatever) try our best to adapt to them? It bugs me to no end. But in the end, I guess, people are like that. Well, as the French say "C'est la vie!".

Would like to hear the opinions of the wonderful souls here..

Well, I also want to tell that, I had to make all the effort to explain what is Aspergers at the very end to her. Does any felow Aspie / Autist here had experienced the same situation where you had to make all the effort to explain yourself, while people assume that you are "normal" and continue to treat to as you do not have difficulties at all? Is it common, dear friends?

She sounds troubled and like she has issues with relationships in general. She's probably trying her best, as are you, but it sounds also like she struggles with compromise.

Thanks for the reply. I always believed that she tried her best and she is a very good person. But it was in a direction which helped neither. I hoped that she would understand my issues with autism and act accordingly. But alas, not to be. I do not hold any grudge against her at all, but just wished that she had been open to listening to me patiently without going ballistic often. The more she got angry and shouted at me, the more I blanked out. But, aren't relationships about compromise? We are not perfect and we all make mistakes, but is forgiving the other that hard? And for me, it is confusing quite a lot when people do not say the reason and break up from behind a computer via text or phone.