Attachment disorder seems to be the issue

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harvlike2know
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 7 Jun 2017
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 1
Location: Provo, Utah

07 Jun 2017, 4:51 pm

I was dating a woman that in 7 months ended us abruptly from one day to the next. The first time, we'd had an awesome evening at a meeting on emotion release and healing and we'd spent time that morning on my time off sitting on the
couch and talking and she was very happy. That night, she said as usual "I love you" and kissed me. The next day, she
got upset about my saying something about being on time to church and I apologized and said I was sorry for being insensitive as she seems to be in a fog a lot of times and takes 3 to 4 hours to go anywhere, so she is especially sensitive
about that issue. I had only said something like that this one time on the being late issue, it was not something I brought
up in the past. We had dated seriously for 2 months after getting to know each other for several months before that. Even though I apologized, she texted me that she thought it was better if we were friends. From I love you to the type of friends that don't spend any time together. She had been saying I love you once or more every time we saw each other and had said she thought that we could be very happy together and possibly get married down the road. A week later, after no contact at all, I was leaving the local library and we ran into each other as she was entering. She asked me why I was at the library, I said to meet my friend to then go to a movie. She asked me, "Do you want to talk?" I said yes and we talked for 2 hours. She said "Let's talk some more, I feel like we are understanding each other." So, 2 days later we talked and spent 5 hours together and were back together. That lasted one month, then I was telling her that I didn't think that she was as committed as I to us and the next day she again texted me that we didn't have enough in common and that we couldn't be in any type of relationship. The day before that happened, we had talked for 3 hours on the phone and she had said she loved me and all that. The third time was when I went to see her 2 1/2 months later and she said she had missed me, still loved me, and that there was a chance for us. I said okay, I will contact you in about a month as she was telling me she needs to work on her mental health and emotional health a bit. I called her the next month and we started to talk and text with several long conversations of 2 to 3 hours, and we were
as good as before, yet she said she had too many problems so wasn't ready to date me yet or anyone, so we were just maintaining a relationship via calls and texts. We had a conversation of 2 hours on a Saturday and even talked about doing something special together soon. The next day, she texted me that she was mad about something I had asked her during the call and also said, "Maybe us was just physical". We spent hours and hours together and a lot of it was not physical. We both loved learning, and gardening, and just going places together and people said we looked very happy together, people we had just barely met even. I couldn't understand why she would abruptly end us like she did, or why she had mood swings, or was depressed or even suicidal in the past, and then I looked up Adult Attachment disorder and she really seems to fit many of the symptoms. We had even taken a 3 day trip to see her dad get surgery, and all 3 days were amazing and we got along extremely well and I'd have to say it was one of the best trips I'd been on with anyone. She stayed at her aunts at night and I stayed at my buddies and we both believe that intercourse is reserved for marriage, so we'd never done that, and we'd only kissed for any extended period of time on two occasions, although we usually kissed goodnight and for the first few weeks after she first told me she loved me we did kiss 5 to 10 times most times we saw each other and she held my hand a lot or cuddled on the couch. She was very fun, very affectionate, and we could talk for hours, and yet she said she has asthma, hasn't worked in years, doesn't have disability ssdi even though she isn't able to work. She also said she was allergic to chlorine, most cleaners, many foods, and deodorant, even sun sensitive. The whole time we dated, she only let me inside her house one time, we usually went to my house, out for a date, or talked outside. She was ashamed of her dirty house and the one time I did go in, we sat in the entrance area and I didn't see much. I did see a lot of things stacked around, not high, but rather disorganized, as she told me she takes half the day many times to get going and at times stayed up all night and also told me she sleeps 10 to 12 hours. She lives off alimony she got from her divorce 4 years ago (3 years left). So, the last year she hasn't talked to me at all, but last year she was friend requesting my friends on facebook to tell them we were never getting back together and she has posted 7 times in the last year the same. I only know because my friends see the public posts and tell me about it. We haven't talked or communicated once in that time. Alongside the post that we are never getting back together, she puts 5 of our best pictures, 3 with us together. I think she does have attachment disorder and that is why she was always looking for faults, was really controlling, and inflexible. I loved her because of how good it was when we were together in person, how fun it was, how we could talk for hours, and she smiled and laughed a lot when we were in person. Yet, she limited that because it took her so much time to do anything and said if she saw me too much, she wouldn't get anything done, even if we saw each other only an hour or two at night, so we didn't see each other every day. I put all of this as I want anyone's thoughts on what happened and if she has the disorder and that explains why she does what she does. Thanks in advance for your replies :)



AusWolf
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

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Joined: 7 Apr 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 168
Location: United Kingdom

08 Jun 2017, 8:23 am

This is the first time I've heard about attachment disorder, but I feel like I should look into the topic deeper.

The relationship you described bears a striking resemblance with the one I recently had. It was a long-distance relationship, though. We met online, talked for a few months, and then decided to get together. We never met in person, although we had such a good connection over Skype, that not trying to move together seemed like a mistake. A year and a half passed, I graduated university in the meantime, and moved to a different country just to have a job that lets me save up for eventually moving in with her.
Our problem came from the fact that she still lived with her parents, so I felt like she had to introduce me before I came for a visit from the other side of the world. She said she needed time... after 18 months! I introduced her to my parents when we were 4 months into the relationship, and all my friends knew about her and the plans we had for our life together. I can't say anything like this from her side, which made me feel neglected, but I didn't care. I only cared about her. Anyway, I knew I had to be introduced to her parents before I took company holidays and bought flight tickets, and she promised to do it around Christmas. Then nothing happened. I told her how sad her broken promise made me feel, but I also said that I wasn't going to make an issue out of it. I just wanted a date by which the introduction would take place so that I could plan ahead. I thought it was a reasonable request to know what was going on in my life. After a few days of thinking, she said I'd broken her dreams, that I'd been too controlling, and our relationship was a big mistake and a waste of time. How she could say anything like this after one and a half year of laughter and virtual cuddles, I don't know. All I know is that everything I gave up for this relationship to work lost its purpose all of a sudden, while she'd never had to move a finger... and I was the controlling a-hole, and everything was my fault. Then she didn't let me share my side of the story before saying goodbye, and I haven't heard from her since. She literally deleted me from her life with two taps on her phone. It happened 5 months ago. I've sent her an email or two, explaining that I never wanted to hurt her feelings, and all I wanted in the end is her to be okay, no matter what she wanted for the future, but I haven't got a reply. Maybe my messages landed in her spam anyway.

I'm sorry for not being able to help you with your relationship directly, but I hope my story helps.