Break-Up

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Hi,

I've been with my probably Aspie (no formal diagnosis yet) partner for 4 years.

Unfortunately life stress and his refusal to get help, plus my life being way too stressful and complicated led to me deciding to finish the relationship.

Under stress and living together I found the ND/NT compatibility difficult and unhealthy for both of us.

Still so much love for the man but my need for instant empathy and understanding during an exceptionally stressful time shut him off. This felt like pure rejection to me though I know was self preservation.

He's not been doing so well at university I think due to not seeking extra help and also trying to be with me but finding it hard due to Aspergers. I want him to just focus on university.

He doesn't have a good grasp of money or finances and is behaving riskily (not budgeting, spending on credit).

I realised I couldn't carry him as much as I was, I was bearing the brunt social engagement, money management and organisation and cleaning and feeling rejected by his constant input to forums (instead of talking to me) and his need for so much solitude. I also just biologically need more social interaction that I want to share with a partner and sometimes need my partner to provide.

Also hated the fact that I was bringing him stress through offering him love in a very NT way.

I ended up anxious and jealous and just getting very extreme emotions at his shut off. I also got exhausted.

I'm really sad. We are still friends. Could any one offer me any guidance on how to stay friends and handle the intense emotions of a break up for both of us. I wish we could be together but we are incompatible I think.

I'm NT he's very probably ND and Aspie.

We live in adjacent rooms. I will house when I can practically .

Thanks.

best way to remain friends after break-up? if it were me, i would take some time out to myself to process my emotions and grieve the loss of the romantic relationship. once i can feel about and interact with the other person appropriately then i would attempt to hang out/talk as platonic friends. don't attempt to hang out as friends if you are still hung up on him. i'm sorry for your tough decision. breaking up is never easy.

Excellent advice. Well-said.

I'm very sorry to hear things didn't work out. You did everything you could, and much more above and beyond that. What you did was for the best. Best wishes moving forward!

Thanks, very helpful.

I think the find I've found the hardest is what is his Aspergers and what is just bad behaviour and I think I let too much go for too long.

I've seen a more selfish, brutal side since we broke up that I think was there the whole time and I just overlooked it because of Aspergers and being in love.

I have quite a few Aspie friends and all of them are COMPLETELY different.

He'd really wax lyrical and not follow through. Need to reclaim my energy to put into all the projects I had booming before we got together.

Any more advice gratefully received.

Wow. I'm learning.

I broke up not because I don't love him but for his and my best interests. This has been excruciatingly painful and the hardest decision I've ever made.

I've found he has gone from saying he really loved me to nothing very quickly.

So painful. I just don't know how you can switch off four years like that.

I've been on the other side of that. I broke up with her with 6 weeks to go before we got married. She tried to trap me afterwards by staying "friends," but it was mainly an excuse to keep a physical relationship going. So I ended up completely cutting her out of my life. I hated to go there, but things just kept getting worse.

For me, it wasn't that I didn't love her. It was that I was stuck in an aweful relationship with someone who treated me poorly. I reached a point when love just wasn't enough anymore.

I doubt you were mistreating anyone, and pure speculation is the best I can do. Who knows what the guy was thinking, but for whatever reason he decided he couldn't be with you anymore. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. It's a shame you didn't have better warning than you did. Whatever has spooked him has been weighing on him for a while. So just like that it's done. These things are usually for the best.

Probably for the best.

I absolutely tried my best through the most awful circumstances.

My house burnt down, I went through a string of bereavements, I got very sick and had to go to hospital and still the focus was always on him.

I definitely want to be with someone who can't just switch off over night because I don't even think that's real love.

I haven't wanted to keep a physical relationship going. I wanted him to get real and take up some responsibility. Now we are finished all the adjustments I'd hoped he'd want to make when we were together are happening. He wasn't interested in my wants and needs much at all.

We have spoken about the love switch-off now.

He says he's trying to protect himself.

I just hope he can get support, he doesn't want a formal diagnosis which is fine but isn't managing money, work, study or relationship which I think he could be with the right support in place.

I couldn't carry the load by myself.

I'm going to be focusing on getting stronger myself as I'm so depleted.