Why tell me one thing but mean another??

Post Reply New Topic

My girlfriend is making absolutely 0 sense to me lately. She always tells me one thing, and then when I do that thing, she yells at me.. but she just told me to do it?

For example, she decided to skip school but was tired and wanted to sleep and I wasn't. I asked her if I could go hangout with my friends while she slept, and she said, "Yeah that's fine go ahead" so I got ready to go, and she says "You're seriously f*****g going over there when I skipped school to hang with you?"

Why tell me I can go if you don't want me to? I've told her this before.. just be honest.. but she continues to do it and I can never tell if she really wants me to do something, or not. It makes absolutely 0 sense to me to say one thing and mean another. How will I ever know if she's being serious or not??

Also a few weeks ago Wrong Planet was wcting up for me so I apologize if I didn't reply to some replies to my posts.

Please help I'm going insane because of this, doesn't make any logical sense to me and it's a big struggle in my relationship.

Is your girlfriend NT?

This is not a behavior healthy NT women typically engage in, nor is it unique to NT or women, and I've been in a relationship in the past that was a mind-fuck because she engaged in these type of behaviors as well. It's like a never-ending test you never realized you signed up for, full of trick questions and trick answers you cannot pass.

You have to analyze the function of her behavior rather than what she verbally permits. She is expecting you to be able to read her mind when she is not putting forth the effort to clearly communicate to you her needs, thus, it would appear she wants you to make considerations for her above and beyond things as they appear or as stated, and surprise her in that regard. This isn't to say that her behavior is wrong or immoral, but this could be an indication of a fundamental incompatibility if it is not something that can be adequately addressed in the relationship.

Edit to Add: Back to the question, "Why tell me one thing but mean another?"
For someone to engage in that behavior, they must have had a past where they saw or experienced that engaging in subtlety, misdirection, non-acknowledgement, etc. worked in their favor, and she is simply re-enacting a behavioral strategy that is internalized and she experiences frustration when it doesn't work (because it worked in the past with other people as she observed).

If you've been through this as well I'm starting to think it's just a female thing. Yeah she is NT, she is 100% emotions and I am very not. She overreacts and when I tell her she's overreacting she overreacts even more.. but that's another problem for another day. Lol.

I'm not sure how to fix this problem because I have told her to be honest and she continue to play these kind games with me. I will take your advice and try to analyze her voice and the way she says things to better understand what she really means, but it pains me because I don't believe I should have to do this.
It blows my mind that she thinks it's okay to say one thing and mean another and blame it all on me? That she sees nothing wrong with that baffles me.
Thanks for the help. Are you still dating the girl who put you through these trials?

She wanted you to hang out with her. That's why she skipped school. She thought you would "put two and two together," and realize that she skipped school to hang out with you. She felt bad that you didn't want to hang out with he. Please don't be angry at her. She didn't mean any harm.

But she really can't tell you what to do; that isn't her right. That's why she didn't directly say that you should hang out with her. She was trying not to offend you, or seem bossy.

I've had this sort of thing happen to me, too. Women tend to do these sorts of things; it can get on my nerves---but there is a reason behind it.

She is either attempting to be sarcastic and doesn't understand that she's not using a sufficiently sarcastic tone for you to detect, or she wants you "sense" her emotions and demonstrate you are on the same page as her...which you are not. However that is not necessarily your fault. Some people are naturally in tune to each other and some aren't.

Nope - I don't exactly have a high tolerance for indirectiveness. I've been in other relationships since then for me to learn that it is not a pattern of behavior that I'm willing to accept in a relationship for myself.

Stereotypically it's a female thing but some women constantly do it and others don't/hardly do it.


She might not be aware she's being dishonest and indirect. She's aware of what she feels and thinks but maybe doesn't fully realize what she communicates and what she does not communicate. I've got a sister who constantly does this but if you tell her that indirect people who say one thing and mean another and expect others to read their mind are annoying, she fully agrees. She bursts into a rage if someone keeps treating her like that but she does not realize that this is what she does all the time. So, if someone expects her to read their mind her reaction is rage but if someone fails to read her mind her reaction is rage too because she does not realize she expected them to read her mind - maybe she does realize she is being indirect at the moment she talks but by the point the other person does not do what she wants she has forgotten it or her anger prevents her from fully realizing it and she certainly does not know that it is something she does often. She also is 100% emotional with a high tendency to overreact and overreacts even more if someone tells her she does.

It's typical.

She felt vulnerable saying what she wanted as directly as you needed to hear it to understand. Similar to how you would feel if you had to go stand in a crowded public place in your underware. It makes you want to cover yourself up and protect yourself. She also didn't want to be bossy and demanding by telling you yes stay here while I sleep. She was trying to respect you but probably lost control of her emotions thinking something along the lines of I skipped school to be with him (means I care about him)and he's going to leave me to hang out (means he doesn't care about me).

LOL that's just women Everything they say is a little test to see if you "care".

"Want to get takeout tonight?"
"Yeah, sounds good"
"Why? What's wrong with my cooking?"

"I'm not watching this, you can turn over if you want"
"Ok, let me see what's on"
"Yeah because your shows are way more important than mine, it's all about what you want"

Get used to it, over time you'll start to pick up on when she means something and when she is just testing.

Does she know you autistic?

If she knows and really cared about you she would study about autism and learn that hinting doesn't work in a ND/NT relationship.

It's not all women.

Men, let me tell you a secret. There are women out there who don't do this.

You have 2 choices:

1) Stay with that stressy woman
2) Leave the stressy woman

The outcome if you leave is that you will be alone. You may never find one of the none stressy women, but I've lived with a crazy woman and I would rather be alone.

Ok, I read your other posts to understand your girlfriend better. If all you have told her is to "just be honest" then she was honest. Her responses are typical NT responses and she is not trying to be confusing, play games or make you crazy. What she said is honestly how she feels.

The 1st response: "Yeah that's fine go ahead", is honest to her because an NT will first try to be subtle as far as words and possibly she sounded annoyed, rolled her eyes or maybe her face looked mad ----->She expected you to understand at this point if she hinted in her voice or face what she really wants because another NT would automatically understand the non verbal language and stay home or ask more questions like nicely saying "are you annoyed honey, do you want me to stay here with you, I would love to stay here if you want me to"-and she can just give a hug without having to say yes in response.

I don't think she understands that you didn't pick up the meaning of her 1st response. She thinks it is obvious.

So you get ready to leave. Which to her it appears you are a jerk and a bad boyfriend because she has no idea that you did not understand her 1st response or she thinks you ignored it.

Now she is mad and she is again honest in her 2nd response. And again she's saying what she honestly feels.


You have to ask her to clarify exactly what she means more often. Especially when you have any idea that she might be saying something that seems weird or different. Even if it doesn't seem weird and you just want to check instead of guessing. I love it when the guy I'm seeing does this because otherwise I don't realize that I'm being confusing. As crazy as it may seem, I have no clue I'm not making sense until he teaches me by telling me to clarify it. He will just say things like "what did you mean when you said" or he will repeat back to me what he thinks I said, which gives me a chance to say what I meant more clearly.

OK on reflection I've realised what happened here.

She was disappointed that your first thought upon finding she was free for the day was, "I wanna go hang with my friends".

She hoped your thought would be, "I'm glad your here, I want to spend time with you because I love you."

So she felt unloved because you didn't want to spend time with her.

I would be upset too.

You first say that not all women do this and that, and then you confirm that you would react just the same.

How are we men gonna believe any of you anymore?

Well duh. In that situation, I'd guess she wanted you to cuddle with her to sleep. She was likely being sarcastic when she said you could go.