Relationship Advise

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Hi, I'm married to an Aspergers (AS) man and, I do think he is wonderful and love him very much, but I am having a hard time coping with him.

Is it common for AS person to tells lies and have affairs?

I have to admit our relatioinship has never been plain sailing and I often get annoyed with him. Is this why he would have an affair?

We first met 17 years ago and we were dating for a few months before I got pregnant with him. He always knew there was something different about him but never confessed this until I question him about our relationship. He only got diagnosed 8 years ago, due to our second child having autism. After reading books I discovered I my husband having AS.

I feel like my husband wants attention 24/7 from me and I am exhausted from having to give him this. If I don't he will look for attention from other women. He says we wants women to see that he is a happy man, even though he says he isn't happy. I guess he wants women to think is he NT. No matter how much I reassure him when I am calm and loving he stills wants lots of attention from other women. He smiles at them and tries to catch their eye and he admits this gives him a lot of pleasure. As far as I know and so he says he has never taken it further. I did ask him recently do you have a obsession with women and he admits he does. I have explained this makes me feel upset but he feels he cannot stop it. He says he will try but he can't

The above is the main concern I have about him. I can rumble on about other problems but I am aware a lot of it is to do with the AS, e.g. having to prompt, initiate for him to take part in family life.

I am also ill and he seems to forgot that I have a long term illness and expects me to everything in the house, he thinks he just needs to go to work and then do nothing else. He says he has an obsession with trains but I see the obsession more with other women.

I guess what I am asking for, how do I get through to him that the obsession with other women is making me really upset and I feel that it is causing a rift between us. Some women think he wants to date them and have come onto him.

If we are out together he says nothing but just keeps smiling at them and sometimes they seem to follow us around the supermarket trying to make contact with him, its all so embarrassing. One women got annoyed once and shouted at him because he would't speak to her apparently after questioning him later in the day, he first said he didn't know her, but later then admitted he liked her and had been chatting to her when I wasn't there on other occasionis. What is he doing when I am not around? I am beginging not to trust my husband anymore as there has been more incidences with other women. I am aware that him having AS makes life difficult for him when he is socialising and people can get the wrong idea. But if this is the case why is he not able to learn that this is causing a problem. He has been like this all his life but kept it away from me. I have really tried to teach him how to behave with women. He never has this problem with men. Am I fooling myself maybe he knows what he is doing and he likes it too much to stop.

I don't know what to do and would like an AS perspective on this, thank you.

Yes, playing the eye contact game with other women probably is somewhat common in AS. I wouldn't call that cheating, and yes, it is very pleasurable. As long as he doesn't take it any further than that, I think it is pretty innocent. It's pretty similar as when you talk to guys or male friends.

However, then there also is polyamory, which is not uncommon in AS. He might be polyamory but also knows he cannot act on that because you require a monogamous relationship. So, he does what he think is innocent (or at least what his brain-wiring think is innocent).

Thank you for your reply.

Not that I want have an open marriage, but to get an idea of what he wants. I have asked him if that is the case. He says no to which I am relieved.

So I guess its all about the pleasure. Maybe I am wrong but I have never bothered with other men, AS is pretty exhausting and one man's attention is enough for me.

As long as it never goes further, I can accept it.

AS men tend to be very loyal especially within marriage . . . .but I think can often get into "situations" with women. They often I understand feel more comfortable talking to women (often having been bullied for being strange or different as kids) and their wish for friends and being accepted may mean that women often think they want more and are "coming on" to them, but the Aspie won't necessarily recognise this and will just think someone is being nice and friendly. I am NT myself so can only speak from what I have read and have seen with my Aspie friend. He certainly feels v much more relaxed in the company of women I have noticed.

Thank you for your reply Ann, he does feel more at home with women. I am so trying to understand this. I just hope he will be able to keep to boundaries.

So when you said your husband had affairs. Do you mean he layed in bed with women and had sex? Because if so. That's wrong and not an AS thing.

I've never caught him in bed with anyone. But there has been enough evidence to say he has been meeting another woman in secret.