Tired of hearing the same old story

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I'm getting tired of hearing people say that they want to be in a relationship simply to be in a relationship. It doesn't sound like there is much thought into what it actually means to be with someone. The reason people are failing to find someone is that they don't consider the full gravity of the responsibilities and sacrifices that a relationship demands. Instead of trying the same thing every time and complaining about your failure, change your perspective on the situation. If you're failing so many times, then clearly you're going about it the wrong way. In short, the problem isn't about any of your flaws or your perceived inadequacy, but rather in the way you treat the concept of a relationship.

I don't want to sound rude, and in fact I want to believe that I'm wrong about how I've interpreted the situation, but it just seems to be a common theme in some of the posts I've read and it's getting old.

Most people complaining here have tried different approaches to no avail. A lot are beyond frustrated and that's why you're running into the negative attitudes you see, it's only natural. The vast majority of this site is actually a support forum, in a support forum you're going to run into a logjam of people complaining about issues. As for 'being in a relationship to be in a relationship', that's actually the MO of most teenagers and it's seen as a right of passage, a rite of passage many here have not experienced thus they just want to cross that threshold, which is understandable. On a side note, complaining about complainers is a waste of time: if someone is complaining they're generally emotionally hurt and complaining about them displaying that emotion ensures they will not listen to you.

Complaining about complainers seem to be a common theme in L&D too.

It was even suggested (by the famous complainers_about_complainers) to impose a rule against singles complaining in L&D and make it only an "advice forum for people in relationship".

The rudeness of those ....

So yeah, this also an old story that we are tired of hearing it.

I'm well aware of the "full gravity of the responsibilities and sacrifices that a relationship demands" but my issue is I meet women I have glaring incompatibilities with and dive into a relationship with them hoping those things will improve, and they never do. It ends up being the relationship just for the sake of a relationship. I can't just tell myself no, this isn't right. I have to force myself to make it right, and when I don't make it right, it's my fault and I'm half a man for not being able to keep the girl. Which, of course, simply isn't true, but I do a good job of tricking myself into believing that.

[Aristophanes]As for 'being in a relationship to be in a relationship', that's actually the MO of most teenagers and it's seen as a right of passage, a rite of passage many here have not experienced thus they just want to cross that threshold, which is understandable.[/quote]

Just because it's understandable does not make it right. There's far more to being in a relationship than just making it past that threshold. What happens when they do finally enter a relationship? Did they only think up until that point, or have they given any thought into how to make it last? Simply entering a relationship to achieve that right of passage and nothing more is just unfair to your partner.

[Aristophanes]if someone is complaining they're generally emotionally hurt and complaining about them displaying that emotion ensures they will not listen to you.[/quote]

I'm not complaining about them expressing their emotions, it's the way they treat the concept of a relationship that has me bothered. To me, telling them the answers they want to hear is just being cruel, because telling them what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear will only perpetuate the situation they are in. It isn't like I'm telling them that they will never be in a relationship, I'm only saying that if they keep their misguided views, their chances of being with someone are highly unlikely.

I'm well aware that this is a support forum, which is why I made this a separate post. If no one wants to hear what I'm saying in this post, then they can ignore it and move on. Just think of it as a form of venting. Normally I can tolerate it and try to give advice that is more supportive. The reason for making this a separate post is so I don't express these opinions in the wrong place or somewhere that they aren't welcome. If someone was really struggling with finding a relationship, I would refrain from being as harsh as I am now. I would still hold the same opinion, but it would be more tailored to fit that person's needs.

A lot of people aren't even self aware of this, though. Society makes love out to be this huge goal everyone is striving to accomplish, all the happiest people are out having sex and in relationships and everything on TV is sex and relationships. A man's self worth in the media is tied to his ability to bring in women. And, with asperger's, those goals are much more difficult to accomplish, so you're going to see a lot of frustrated and unhappy men. I'm not trying to justify it, I'm just trying to make sense of it.

I'd like to think, despite how much some people may lack a self awareness, despite the apparent desperation, most of the posters have good hearts and the best of intentions. But this forum does have it's way of proving that wrong.

Your complaint is invalid. You are the one choosing to read the posts therefore you are choosing to expose yourself to something you dislike. It is unreasonable to criticize others because YOU are making choices that are incongruent with your personal comfort.

You do want to sound rude, which is why you do. If this were not the case you would not need to qualify your statements. The qualification means you are aware that your statements ARE rude. The qualifying statement is just a way to give yourself plausible deniability against the charge of being rude. It is then fair to extrapolate that the sole intention was to be rude while being able to avoid any of the responsibility of that choice.

It is fair to assume that the reason you see common "complaints" in the L&D section is because this is a forum dealing primarily with ASD. A condition that makes the people who have it struggle with... Social interactions and relationships.

Love and dating are some of the most confusing and complex social interactions two people can have so it stands to reason that you will see many similar "complaints" and questions. You wouldn't audit a class of Quantum Physics and then be a jerk about more than one person grappling with the profound existential questions the Copenhagen Interpretation implies..... Or you might... Based on the limited data set I have; probability says you would.

Perhaps the answer is not that others need to reevaluate the way they "treat the concept of a relationship" or "change [their] perspective" (btw, both of these mean NOTHING without presenting alternative perspectives or concepts). Perhaps they need realistic advice presented in a way that makes sense to their method of information processing. Anything less is just an attempt to demean, criticize, and silence people who are legitimately looking for help and (at least in my experience) never get it because people like you offer the oh-so-sage advice of "change your perspective".

What's next? Gonna go tell everyone with clinical depression to just be happy? Should people with ADHD just focus harder? Should someone with a broken leg just walk straight because YOU are tired of looking at their uneven gait?

There is a very good reason why L&D is in its own separate part of the forum--anyone who doesn't like the whine can easily tune out.

I am empathetic towards the frustration because I feel it to. There's been some good comments here.

I agree that in society most people easily fall into dating/relationships and it's seen as normal. When everyone around you is doing something and you can't work out how to do it, that is very frustrating.

Imagine if everyone around you has learned to drive a car and you can't figure out how to, how frustrating would that be? Would you never be allowed to express your frustration. I have a handful of friends who really struggled to learn to drive and failed their test multiple times. Never did I once tell them to shut up when they expressed their disappointment and frustration.

Why is a lack of success in dating seen as different to any other kind of lack of a skill? Why do people have to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist.

I for one like to find articles about being single and post them on facebook. I've lost one friend over it (ironically one who can't drive) and she felt cringey everytime I did it, so I unfriended her. Why censor people for expressing how they really feel just because it makes you uncomfortable.

I really feel like single people are seen as an eyesore to be shut up in the basement and never be talked about.

Your partner in a relationship is a human being, not some object or goal in your life. I fully understand the concept of wanting to be with someone, but that's no excuse to treat relationships with such a lack of respect. I would have more sympathy for people if they would at least treat it properly, because even people who do everything right still have trouble finding someone.

There's a good chance that I'm wrong about what I've seen on this site, due to the minimal information given by the poster. If I wanted a better understanding of what their full intentions are in getting a relationship, then I would simply ask for more details. Perhaps their intentions are pure, and they have done everything they can think of. Fine. Those people deserve the best possible advice that anyone can give them, and their feelings certainly don't deserve to be so neglected. However, if someone only wants to be in a relationship for their own self satisfaction, then they deserve to be alone forever.

It's funny how people seem to completely miss the point I'm making. There are right and wrong reasons for wanting to be with someone, and all I'm doing is distinguishing between the two. On the off-chance that what I've said does apply to anyone on this sight, then my intention is that they will change their behavior and try a different approach. It's always possible that they just aren't aware of it, and most of them do ask what the issue is. So why fault me for offering my take on their situation? I tend to get a little harsh when moral fiber seems to be lacking.

I'm sorry kiddo, but you haven't got a leg to stand on because you haven't actually tried to give anyone any useful advice. Maybe if you participate a bit more we might give you the time of day, but right now you're just a shouty newbie who we don't know and suspect is a troll.

I've just re-read that last post. It didn't come over the way I meant it.

What I mean is if you stick around and participate a bit and get to know the users you'll gain more trust and people will be more willing to engage with your ideas.

Be friendly, don't talk down to the users, be a pal and they will want to talk with you.

This post was originally intended as a way to blow off some steam on the issue I described. It's more of a personal standard that I believe in, but I wouldn't specifically suggest it to anyone. I'm mainly concerned about what seems to be a lack of consideration for the potential partner in a relationship, not the fact that they have struggled to find someone. It sounds like what people are looking for is simply self satisfaction, which certainly isn't right. But from the comments I've gotten on this post, it's clear that that isn't the case. I know that the people on this site are pretty decent, and I'm sure they have good intentions for finding a relationship. But the issue I described can set me off easily, and I figured it would be unhealthy to keep my thoughts bottled up. Sometimes you just need to vent so it doesn't cloud your judgement. I put these thoughts in a separate post so that people can ignore it if they want to.

If I were commenting on someone else's post, I would ask for as many details as possible before making any suggestions. Even then, I wouldn't be anywhere near as harsh as I am in this post. I do genuinely want to help people, and I can't do that if I keep this frustration bottled up. People can think what they want of me, and I don't really mind. I'm past the original purpose of this post, so I'm done making any more comments here.

I think the issue is it's hard for someone to start looking for a relationship for the "right reasons" when that person hasn't ever had any relationships at all, even one they had for the "wrong reasons."

I've certainly had many experiences being in relationships and I've learned something from every single one of those experiences.

Trolling or not, he has a point. I get what the OP is meaning, but for me the issue is even simpler...these threads are just tiresome. There are some people that just make endless threads all about the same thing. I don't mind threads in L&D that are looking for advice, or are things you can advise on, but 90% are just pity-party threads that can't possibly elicit any real advice or resolution. If people just want to complain for the fifth time that week that they can't get a girlfriend then aren't there more appropriate forums for that, like Haven or something? A good place to start would probably be to move the pity threads there leaving L&D for threads that actually benefit from discussion or advice.

The other funny thing about these constant threads is that if you go to the forums on dating sites....it's the exact same thing...endless threads from guys asking why online dating isn't working, why can't I get a girlfriend and it just goes on and on and on, so while some people here might have more hurdles than the average person, the frustration at being single bordering on a pathological feeling of entitlement isn't really just an ASD thing.

Oh, I get the OP's point. It is their opinion and that is fine. What I REALLY take exception to is the "I don't want to be rude" qualifier.

Gonna spit on people? Have the common decency to own it. Don't hide behind qualifying statements. (You know, ones like "I'm not racist but")

It is messed up to treat people's problems like a rerun of Star Trek you have seen too many times.