Feelings of Worthlessness and Being Pathetic

Post Reply New Topic

Longtime member, haven't posted in years. This will be very long for the sake of accuracy, so please bear with me.

I am fresh out of a relationship that lasted for 12 years. Most of the details as to why it ended aren't really relevant to the issue, but at least one is, and I will get to that later.

I was young, inexperienced and naive when I entered the relationship at 19. My self-esteem was still shot from high school. I had zero friends. The only guys who expressed any interest in me were sleazebags. I was on disability for Asperger's and Tourette's from the time I turned 18, so there were never any feelings of societal worth in that regard, though there was nothing reasonable that could be done about it. Those feelings sort of went away, or perhaps became buried, after I got into my aforementioned relationship.

At times those feelings would resurface, but they were fleeting and relatively easy to push back down. I still had no friends, and aside from a long-distance relationship with my parents, this man was my sole source of meaningful social interaction for years. In part, this was because he had several personality issues that would have prevented me from maintaining friendships.

I ended up making friends after I got into multiplayer games hardcore and picking up the use of TeamSpeak. I met a great group of people, and I became good friends with a few despite the entirely online nature of it. I've been talking to one person in particular most of nearly every day for a year and we get along very well. These people know that I have Asperger's and Tourette's. Some know I'm on disability. None have been outwardly judgmental. They treat me like a regular person and a friend, and I'm grateful for it. Overall, I have to say that this was beneficial for my self-esteem and confidence in my ability to socialize well.

However, now that I'm no longer in that relationship, my old insecurities have reared their ugly heads. I've once again begun feeling worthless and pathetic and filled with doubts. I feel like I have more to lose and nobody to lean on if I'm rejected. Aside from my parents, who won't be around forever, and a few online friends, I have nobody.

I feel pathetic because my world is so small and isolated relative to so many others'. I also struggle with the intensity of my emotions. If I find someone I like and get along with and who treats me well, I mentally cling to them. If it's a guy, I might develop a crush on him, although these days, I would know better than to disclose it to them. I fear that I try too hard to be a good friend, and worry that it might be off-putting to people, even if there's no indication of that.

I worry that the people I form connections with and open up to think poorly of me and just don't say anything. For instance, what does this relatively conservative person REALLY think about me being on disability, even though he seems like a very reasonable person and hasn't given me a reason to be concerned? It all makes me feel like a pitiful and desperate person. I would like to think these friends online care about me, but I worry about burdening them with my hangups. What if they really just don't care? Would I just make them uncomfortable, like I'm fishing for pity? I try to keep my problems to myself so I don't bother other people with them and potentially drive them away. But that makes me feel like I'm trying to be a martyr, and it makes me feel even shittier. It feels like there's no right way to feel or go about things.

And why am I even so attached to people online? Are they even real friends, despite having talked to them for so long?

I feel worthless as a person in general because I'm painfully aware that I contribute nothing of significant value to society in general. I try to be helpful and act like a decent human being, but my feelings and good qualities as a person don't make anyone money. I feel like my value as a potential friend, let alone partner, is inherently low simply because of this. I'm 33, I'm autistic, I have Tourette's, I'm about to be living in a subsidized apartment, and I can't make a living for myself within any modicum of reason. Why would any decent person want to have that in their life? I wonder if people would automatically view me as too much trouble or too "defective", so I fear even trying to date anyone or pursue friendships with people I can actually go do things with.

Being on disability is perhaps one of my most uncomfortable hurdles. My ex despised me being on it, as did his family. I was on it when I met him, and stopped it 6 years later due to a combination of a change in living circumstances and him pressuring me to get off of it and try working. It was foolish, I know. I applied for over two dozen entry-level jobs (with no experience or qualifications) and never even got an interview. I had assumed (incorrectly) that I would be unable to reacquire disability, and even if I could, my ex would have been upset. So I pursued freelance work writing web content from home that lasted for another 4 years, where I struggled for 8 hours a day to make a measly $20- just enough to cover my half of the most basic living expenses and nothing more. If anything unexpected happened money-wise, I was screwed. It was miserable. When the availability of that started going downhill, I decided I had best try to get back on disability. It seemed sad to me that I had a much better standard of living on that than working the only job reasonably available to me.

I knew my at-the-time boyfriend would not be happy, but I had no other real option. He was not in a financial position to support me at all. Even if he were, I did not want to be financially reliant on him, because the relationship was halfway through crumbling at that point despite my best efforts, and I did not want to be chained to him with no way out. But I had to tell him, because there was no way to do it behind his back. The process was too arduous and paperwork, appointment and phone call-heavy. When I told him, he threw a veritable fit. After insisting that my mother put me up to it because she thinks I'm an invalid (neither could be further from the truth), he insisted that I didn't need it. He told me that I was just lazy and if I only cared enough and put in enough effort, I would be perfectly capable of holding a job as well as any normal person. Then he said that he worried about what being on disability again would do to my self-esteem. He didn't care what his words were doing to my self-esteem, though, or how busting my ass making the barest minimum in a in a last-resort "job" because I couldn't get anything better had been affecting it.

I didn't let that deter me. With my mother's assistance, I got back on disability, this time on my father's work record. He's disabled now due to a serious cardiovascular condition, which meant I qualified for SSDI from his record instead of SSI. It's much better because it's lower maintenance and I get the same amount regardless of how low my living expenses are (not means-tested). This means far greater stability and freedom.

Cue over a year of my ex berating me occasionally for being on disability, telling me I'm bilking the taxpayers and that I'm taking money from people who really need it. This is offensive on two levels. First, my father will never get back everything he paid into the system from his decades of working, and my mother will never even get hers because she will get my father's when he passes. This essentially means that I'm getting the leftovers of what my parents have paid into the system, so I'm not taking anything from anyone else- not that should even matter for someone who needs it.

Second, it's offensive because I do need it, and he should have known better. Despite the fact that he KNEW I had Asperger's and Tourette's when we got together, and he suspected he did, too (I'm sure he did), he just did not seem to understand. In retrospect, I don't think he wanted to understand, because he felt that having a girlfriend who needed disability payments reflected badly on him.

I know very well that it's either disability or homelessness because I would be unable to hold down a job AND function adequately in other aspects everyday life. To date, this is backed up by many years of medical documentation, professional opinion, my personal experience and that of my own family members.

For context, if you get me in a crowded store for a couple of hours, the stress aspects of Asperger's will really start to make themselves known. When that happens, it sets off the Tourette's. I tic a lot on a good day. I have cracked teeth from it, one of which broke and had to be pulled. But when I'm stressed enough, I have been known to tic myself into pain and physical exhaustion. So once I have the combined fatiguing effects of both Asperger's and Tourette's playing badly with one another, if it stretches on for more than a few hours with no significant breaks or outlet or escape, I will shut down. Then as soon as I'm home, I'll sleep. This may be for as long as 16 hours depending on the severity.

Now imagine me in any typical job. People. Busy hours. Dealing with customers. Demands and expectations. Deadlines. Pressure. Potentially sh***y co-workers, bosses and customers, all while trying to perform my duties correctly. Then once that's over, I STILL have to go home and do normal adult things, like eating, household chores, running errands, paying bills, caring for pets and managing other tasks. How am I to do these things when I'm shut down and overexhausted and stressed to the point of emotional breakdown? Normal people can handle these things fine. I and many others on the spectrum cannot. Then I would have go to work the next day to do it all over again, and the exhaustion and frustration would pile up and my performance would suffer. These kinds of things are not acceptable in the workplace, disability or no. I cannot reasonably expect an employer to accommodate that. I'm sure there are jobs out there I could do, but I hardly have the means or qualifications or work experience to gamble on finding them. Especially if it involves moving. I don't even drive- not because I can't, but because I can't afford to maintain a car, let alone buy one.

My ex never had to witness me at those worst times because 1.) I was on disability throughout most of our relationship and 2.) I was very careful to avoid situations where "the worst" would be likely to happen. The worst he saw was the mini-meltdowns when we were moving and looking for an apartment, or dealing with stressful or frustrating appointments, or facing deadlines, or when I felt overwhelmed with too much to do around the apartment in one day. He seemed irritated and confused as to why I reacted to those things with so much stress. If I have that bad of a reaction to those things, what made him think I could hold a job?

I've endured these issues somewhat before, but my ex's treatment of me for being on disability has completely wrecked my self-esteem in that regard and left me feeling completely without value as a person. I just feel like it ripped a scab off of an old wound and salt was rubbed into it.

So there are my gripes. Does anyone else struggle with these feelings? Or at least have any advice? Am I making this all out to be a bigger deal than it is? Please pardon the essay-length post. I was always taught that if you want the best results, you need to provide as much relevant information as possible.

Your ideal situation would be if you can get small jobs, like the ones you've described, to augment your disability payments.

I don't believe most people go on disability because the WANT to go on disability. Since you got approved for it, I would say there's a pretty good reason for it. People don't just get approved left and right (at least in the US).

You say you keep reptiles (according to your name). Maybe you can snake (make) a small income out of that.

I've considered that, but I worry about how it would affect my disability payments unless they were "under the table" type deals, which would also make me nervous. If I did it legit, I fear that the SSA would look at the fact that I was engaging in small jobs and take that as evidence that I can indeed work, cut off my SSDI, and tell me I owe them money. I also worry that they would cut it down in an equal amount to what I'm making, and then if whatever I was doing went to pot, I'd be between a rock and a hard place.

I suppose this is something I'd ought to look into a little harder, because it would make me feel better about myself.

I actually don't currently have reptiles any longer, and due to my current living arrangements until I can get into an apartment, that's probably a good thing. It's a struggle enough to keep my land snails' and hermit crabs' temperature ranges at least acceptable. I'm staying with my parents at the moment, and they live off-grid with a solar setup. The heat mats can't be operated on the solar inverter or the generator.

I'd love to be able to snake (I like what you did there ) some money from reptiles and other critters of interest, but there's little to no market for it where I'm at, a small town of around 3k people 2 hours from an actual city. I'm very good with computers, though, so that may be an option to consider.

So what does the world need with robotic snakes today?

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

If you can pull in about $200 a month, I don't think they'd reduce your SSDI. Perhaps they might reduce your food stamps, though.

One

Perhaps, you could do some "under the table" stuff. If you're good with fixing computers, that might be an option. Charge less than those computer stores. And have the customers pay in cash. If you establish a word-of-mouth reputation, you might be able to make a liveable raise.

You're better off alone for the rest of your life than in a miserable relationship with a miserable person.

Don't feel bad about the SSI thing. Those services are there to help people who can't help themselves. I'm more your tightwad conservative Republican type. In my experience, that "bilking the taxpayer" rhetoric largely comes from ignorance. There ARE those who are exploiting the system, yes. Based on what you wrote, you have a genuine need. You can't live your life being judged for that, so I say shake off all the haters.

Don't link money to your sense of self-worth.

My take on money is money=independence. The more money you have, the more options you have. Simple as that. If you must depend on government assistance, you'll have to live under government rules, which means you won't always necessarily have the freedom to do exactly as you want. With a JOB, the money is yours to dispose of as you please. You have to assess your own needs and abilities and decide what you can handle in life. If you aren't truly interested in personal freedom or, more appropriately, if that level of freedom isn't what's really best for you, there's no shame in getting help.

In terms of dating, this is one of those rare situations where women actually do have it easier than men because of traditional gender roles. Men can reasonably expect to have more earning power and thus have more societal pressures to be the top earners and do all the "stuff" in a relationship while women are more expected to "just show up." If you're only dating, it's normally the man who is expected to take the initiative, to plan dates, and to fund it all. It's only when the relationship continues past a certain point that a man might experience dry spells and need his mate to take up the slack if she wants to continue dating. If you reach this point as a couple and he has to lean on you in that way, it's likely the relationship is failing and you need to leave.

I once needed a summer session in college and depended on student loans to get me through. I was dating a slightly higher maintenance girl at the time and honestly thought we were past the money thing. I explained I had to take a break from seeing her for just a week or so until the end of summer because I'd run out of money. Next thing I know, she dropped me like a bad habit. All I did was suggest she drive up to see me on a couple of Saturdays. I'm not saying I think what she did was right. I'm just saying she was in more of a position of power to do that.

You don't strike me as high maintenance or demanding. But you are in that same position of power. If your man isn't in the position to totally care for you, he doesn't get to call your shots for you financially. You have more special needs than the average woman. Fine. Any man you date or marry MUST understand and accept that your level of ability is a part of the package that comes with dating or marrying you.

Men aren't societally afforded the same luxury in dating.

Marriage is different. In marriage, your money is OUR money. My money is OUR money. Everything gets shared and we work together as a team. A wife unable to hold a job might compensate for being an impeccable homemaker and stay-at-home mom. Full time work for zero pay. But as long as at least one of you has a secure income, you're not really going to worry about not getting out of the house. Rather, you'll set the budget and follow through. If the husband complains about you not doing anything all day while he has to WORK, gently remind him that his hot dinner didn't make it to the table by itself at the exact time of his arrival, nor was it by magic a cold beer appeared by his favorite chair just in time for the big game. It's not that marriage has to revert back to 1955. It's just figuring out who we are and what we bring to a marriage.

FTR, it's the exact opposite in my marriage. Not that it's a contest, but I've made more bottles and changed more diapers than my wife did. That's what happens when you're an out-of-work musician and she's better able to get a steady job. We pulled together, did whatever it took to make it work. If your mate can't see that, you have no relationship.

The reason I bring up marriage is 12 years is a LOOOOOONG time without putting something on paper. Your relationship more closely resembled a marriage. He got the benefits of being married to you without any of the risks, and that's unfortunate. You'd have been better off married because that would have forced him to confront all that I mentioned, including caring for you. He'd have been forced to accept your benefits or to work harder to earn more and make up the difference. 12 years like that is just frightening to me. If there's no formal commitment or at least an attempt at one within 2 years, move on.

Finally, I hate this happened to you. Sounds like you're handling things as best anyone can, so keep hanging in there. You seem like a wonderful person. If my circumstances were different, I'd ask you out myself! Take care...