"You're such a sweet guy..."

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Wow, how many times has any unlucky aspie heard of this out of a woman's mouth when you said you like her?

I just go through a phone call today with a girl whom I thought has been the first in awhile to actually send out strong signals of affection for me to pick up on. First, we started talking to each other when we met in class, and a little later we started getting comfortable and joking with each other. I was feeling a bit more adventurous and during one of our exchanges I casually tapped my arm lightly on her shoulder and she laughed, when she had to get up and to get something she returned the favor by tapping me and smiling back. Later, I had finally gotten the courage to ask her out in words that are just explicit enough to imply that it is a date without actually calling it. She gladly said yes and said she'll call me later. Well, after not hearing from her until tonight, I gave her a call to see what's up (we were supposed to meet for a on Sunday) she said that she didn't think she was going to be able to make it.

I got a bad vibe coming out from her and I finally asked whether it is because she doesn't like me. I explained to her that I simply picked up all the signals she sent, and she responded by saying that she never expected that I actually felt that way about her, and that she was just 'being playful'. Next, I got the dreaded 'you're such a sweet guy' reply from her, to witch I sarcastically replied so many women have said that to me that I should win some kind of award for it. I realize, I was being a bit snarky at the end, but I just don't understand how someone could send out signals strong enough that even an aspie could pick up on and resort to the dreadful lets be friends and you're so sweet crap. Why can't I get a break a break from women, for once? You know, I'm not Brad Pitt, but I'm not ugly either. I'm average and I've seen a lot of average or even below average blokes date women in their league or better, but I just seem to always get this crap thrown on me.

she told you exactly where the problem is. you are a sweet guy. at that age, that's what they don't want. one day, they want to marry the sweet ones to have good husbands and loving fathers. but, before, they date the big testosterone guys to show off with. at that age, it's just a play, they are not serious.

by sending you the strong signals, she was just getting ready, gathering her self-confidence, discovering how good she is, training for the other guys. would you want such girl? forget her, man! you need to find someone who's not like that. they usually don't know how to show such strong signals, though

edit: i edit a lot, my english is bad...

Last edited by tomamil on 27 May 2007, 2:44 am, edited 3 times in total.

I'll have to take my blood pressure medication and come back to this thread later.

I've read the title and that is enough for me to rant. (Well, that and alcohol...)

I HATE this "sweet guy" s**t. Heaven forbid I give a damn and not immediately go after sex!

Many "normal" girls want to find a guy they can have as a friend. I've heard these lines of "Guys and girls can't be friends." BS, that's not the case, some guys just don't like getting a one-way ticket to the friend zone!

DISCLAIMER: I'm drunk, my "advice" will likely be abrasive, and not that great...

If you're too nice, you're going to get f****d over. (What seems like) Many "normal" girls want the "nice guy" to be there...for when they can't deal with the guy they're interested in. No matter how much you may care about a given female, do NOT let yourself get suckered into that. Been there, done that, it sucks. Be friendly, but do not ALWAYS put their needs before your own.

(Footnote: If there was a woman that gave a f**k about me, I wouldn't mind putting her first, more often than not I'm the "fallback" guy for when the s**t hits the fan with ehe "main" plan. )

Last edited by shadexiii on 27 May 2007, 11:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think ANYONE'S been able to
say that to me, with a straight face,
unless I was already in a relationship
with them.

I don't make friends easily, and those
women that I do, know me well enough
to see that I'm an ornery bastard. Not
to most of those that I fall for, but still,
my life history is violent enough that
they know that I'd just laugh my ass
off.

I feel like I have a lot to say on this issue, but I'm sleepy right now so I'll keep it short.

Comkeen, I'm sorry you were disappointed again.

And tomamil, just because a girl isn't interested in one particular "sweet guy" doesn't mean that she wants a jerk. I don't at any rate, and I have certainly turned down guys who are very sweet but are not compatible with me for other reasons. And (like most girls) sometimes I do not realize these incompatibilities exist right off the bat, so I have to disappoint a nice fellow after he has already gotten his hopes up because I've flirted or been very friendly before realizing it wouldn't work out. It's never with bad intentions on my part... I am very fond of men and would never be hurtful on purpose. I suspect that very few women deliberately tease nice men.

So there's some possible insight into the motivations of the other party, anyhow, though I wouldn't presume to know.

oh, certainly, not 100% of girls show the interest in someone 'sweet' so to try it out and then jump on the first 'more difficult' guy around. there might be innocent intentions, i believe. i, and other men i talked with, just have the feeling that majority of girls at that age do that.

For sure. I hear guys say this all the time. It bothers me though, this idea that there are a bunch of evil women out there who reel guys in and then are mean to them for amusement. Often a girl is described in glowing terms by a guy... until she isn't interested... then she's described as deliberately cruel. I've never had a female friend express the wish to crush a guy this way on purpose.... but then, I don't generally keep company with many fellow females, so what do I know.

On the bright side, the feminine instincts which sometimes cause a woman to feel attracted to difficult/bad boys are the same instincts which, when properly nourished with time and wisdom, can blossom into the desire to be protective, forgiving, helpful, admiring, and kind toward a good man. IMHO anyhow.

no-one said im sweet, it's not anything to do with being aspie.
anyone said that to me, they know theyre gonna get laughed at so they dont.
i know a few have thought so and said to others im really sweet, but they wouldnt dare to my face.

anyway, you are probably just acting like a wuss, girls don't like that.
act like alpha male, that gets the p**** so im told.

Wtf mate.
That's about the same thing i'm going trough.

What the f**k is wrong with these women?
They rather have the as*holes and total jerks as a boyfriend instead.

Am i supposed to act like a bastard in order to have a relationship with women?

For what its worth, I think even NT guys get this. I mean, males and females think and act differently anyway, so the signals get confused. Bein' Aspie doesn't help. I wouldn't take it personaly; I got told once that dating is like doing a jigsaw puzzle, you have to try so many pieces that look right and almost fit until you find the right one.

So I understand. Unfortunately, I shall never be an alpha male. And
that's got little to do with the 'bad boy' image, which does sometimes
work in my favor.

i was thinking about it, but i didn't find it worthy.

my mother has a boyfriend who was telling me about his youth, when he was a real bastard hehe. his body is tattooed a lot and once he even found himself in prison. now, he is in his mid-forties and i think he's changed after the lessons he got, but as he said, when he was in that bastardy period of life, he was most wanted by women.

And how the hell do you keep up an act when it's one of the last things you think about?
My first reactions to things are always to look reasonable, calm and understanding upon it.
This seems to 'lure away' girls from me although i don't know what i'm doing wrong.

yr acting like a wuss, that's what you're doin wrong.