I don't understand relationships with significant others

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Summer_Twilight
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02 Jul 2017, 3:08 pm

I have never been in a relationship with a significant other and I have been on a few dates. So, I don't understand how relationships work other than knowing they take work and commitment and perhaps I am sad about that.

However, I have had friends meet someone and spend more time with them while they spend less time for my things anymore. On several occasions, I have found myself getting mad at my friend just about everytime I see them. Even more so, I get upset when their significant other is present.

Can anyone explain to me because I don't quite understand it.



Copelandia
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02 Jul 2017, 4:02 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I have never been in a relationship with a significant other and I have been on a few dates. So, I don't understand how relationships work other than knowing they take work and commitment and perhaps I am sad about that.

However, I have had friends meet someone and spend more time with them while they spend less time for my things anymore. On several occasions, I have found myself getting mad at my friend just about everytime I see them. Even more so, I get upset when their significant other is present.

Can anyone explain to me because I don't quite understand it.


I get annoyed by that too.

I mean, I get that when you meet someone and you're into each other and want to spend loads of time together... that you might spend LESS time with friends. What gets me is how much less time that is! How quickly people drop the other people in favour of a relationship :/

I mean they're not the be all and end all, what about when s**t goes wrong, where will your friends be if didn't keep an even balance in life?

Most of my friends have a partner and I feel increasingly isolated, especially on sundays for example. Everyone is busy chilling out with their partner on sunday and I am consistently left alone.



Summer_Twilight
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03 Jul 2017, 6:18 am

I have a friend who is currently seeing someone and his priority is to get a significant other. When he is with someone, he tends to be to drop all of his friends and seem to spend time with her. He's in a relationship with someone right now as a matter of fact along with moving an hour away from everyone else. So the last several times my friends and I have been inviting him to things, he either has a date or is doing things with his family. We are supposed to get together tomorrow for the 4th and I asked if another friend and I could spend tonight up there. He cut us off and said "I have a date monday night."



vethysnia
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03 Jul 2017, 10:13 am

I'm a bit on the fence with this one, because I can definitely understand you guys' point of view on the issue, and I also have my own experiences with the issue as well.

I never dated when I was younger and had a bunch of friends, so I felt what you feel when they would get into relationships and it would feel like they would start completely ignoring me all together. It was certainly a sh***y feeling back then, and with the knowledge that none of these relationships would last at all it frustrated me to no end.

As I got older my circle of friends started to disappear anyway, so when I got into a relationship with my current husband, there weren't many people around me to feel what I had felt back in the day. My best friend however is an extremely jealous person and couldn't stand being around us because she was jealous of what we had, consistently standing us up (is this a confusing metaphor for some people on here?) when we would make plans to hang out with her.

I think even neurotypical people forget what it means to find that certain person, and there are a lot of people out there who are compatible with someone, but the truth is when they're found it truly is a gift of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual fulfillment. People with their significant other are nurturing a need that is embedded so deeply in humanity's core that it can cloud their judgment for a time, or even forever. Especially in the beginning, when everything's all kisses and roses and perfection. I like to call that initial attraction akin to infatuation, because a person can lose sight of other elements in their lives that are also important besides their significant other.

If your friends are aware of your AS I'd say try your best to talk to them about how you feel. Perhaps they will realize that they have been leaving you out of their life an unfair amount and come to terms with their rediscovered priorities. This really isn't an issue you can solve easily. Personally, people who refuse to give me time out of their days usually get left behind entirely because I don't keep around toxic people like that. A lot of it also comes from merely accepting that your friendships will change and grow and even end as time goes on.

But all babbling aside, I understand how you feel, and it sucks ass. :(



Summer_Twilight
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03 Jul 2017, 10:52 am

He is on the spectrum himself and has had trouble connecting with other women himself. He's been so lonely, he has hinted using me for sex on several occasions but I have always said no though I did compromise once. Though I wanted him to be with someone, a part of me doesn't feel ready. In fact, I never feel ready. He has been

Now as far as meeting people goes, my circle of friends has been disappearing so by the time I meet someone, I will be in the same boat.

I was jealous of a close friend's husband when she got married to him. I didn't stand her up. Rather, I got mad at her if things didn't work out or if she was putting her marriage before our friendship first. She was on the spectrum as well though that relationship was toxic.



CivilSam
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05 Jul 2017, 2:19 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I have a friend who is currently seeing someone and his priority is to get a significant other. When he is with someone, he tends to be to drop all of his friends and seem to spend time with her. He's in a relationship with someone right now as a matter of fact along with moving an hour away from everyone else. So the last several times my friends and I have been inviting him to things, he either has a date or is doing things with his family. We are supposed to get together tomorrow for the 4th and I asked if another friend and I could spend tonight up there. He cut us off and said "I have a date monday night."


I've had friends like that in my outer social circle. Honestly, a good friend won't completely drop everyone for their significant other. Our closest inner circle of good friends always invite their significant others (if they are dating) to our group activities. An example would be that we had a fire pit and fireworks outside my friends house for the 4th. Well our other friend who was brought his newish girlfriend with him and we were perfectly ok with that, happy to see him, and glad that he was happy.


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Aspie1
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05 Jul 2017, 7:56 pm

CivilSam wrote:
I've had friends like that in my outer social circle. Honestly, a good friend won't completely drop everyone for their significant other. Our closest inner circle of good friends always invite their significant others (if they are dating) to our group activities. An example would be that we had a fire pit and fireworks outside my friends house for the 4th. Well our other friend who was brought his newish girlfriend with him and we were perfectly ok with that, happy to see him, and glad that he was happy.
There's a strong caveat here. In my primary social circle (that hasn't been "primary" for over a year), everybody but me has a significant other now. And when I come alone, it's a really awkward dynamic: I always feel like "that guy" who came to a pot luck and didn't bring a casserole, or came to a frat party and didn't bring beer. (Pardon the crass analogies.) People tell me it's OK, but only god knows what they're thinking, especially the women. Needless to say, it makes me never want to let a romantic partner come anywhere near me.