Once more being told to not think about the girlfriend issue

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My therapist has told me once more I shouldn't think about the girlfriend issue. She thinks I am bringing undue suffering on myself, it isn't helping me reach my goal, and it's become an obsession. She says she doesn't know if I'll ever have a girlfriend at this rate. It's a very difficult pill for me to swallow but I will say the pain it's causing me is getting ubearable.

Your therapist is right.

I just wonder what goals I should focus on. I never really learned how to do so or really trained my mind to decide on what I should set as a goal.

I just really want to say I finally have a loving partner after all the years of loneliness and suffering. I've banged my head against the wall so much I don't know why I am even still alive.

Have you told your therapist this?

I believe your goal should be obtaining a college/university degree in something which you enjoy, and which you want to spend your life pursuing.

A relationship with a partner is secondary, to me.

I used to obsess, and obsess, and obsess. That got me nowhere. I was seen as being a "creep" at times. When I stopped obsessing, I became more successful.

How "therapists" really improve someone's life? What do they really do?

I never understood their popularity in western cultures; it seems there's one for evey citizen there.

Her advice is so cliché honestly; I don't understand how this can solve anything. How this makes her any different from some acquaintance throwing some cliché repeated advice which we got so tired to hear?

A therapist is somebody who is an objective party. Who does not have an emotional investment in the client. Who is able to offer an assessment which is not based upon any sort of bias.

That's really, to at last some extent, the theory pertaining to what an ideal therapist is supposed to think, feel, and do.

The reason for that advise is that obsessions can get ugly very quickly if they aren't dealt with. It is a good suggestion to focus on college and to find a career. You want to be able to support yourself financially before entering a relationship, otherwise your potential partner would have to support both parties. The other benefit is that a career can provide enough satisfaction so that there won't be a need to obsess. You don't have to give up completely on finding a relationship, all you need is some kind of foundation to work off of. That first step is always difficult to take, but it should get easier afterwards.

Your therapist is right about not obsessing. There is some science behind this.

Women and men are wired somewhat differently. Women don't tend to fall into the mindset of wanting a partner simply to have one in quite the same way men do. At the risk of oversimplifying a complex issue, women are mentally wired to want to respect the man they are with. If a woman has trouble respecting you she will have trouble feeling attracted to you. (There's more to it, of course, but I think this is your sticking point.)

Psychologically, two of the strongest triggers to evoke someone's respect are self-respect and self-confidence. Neither of these can be effectively faked. The harder you work to make yourself look attractive to her, the less genuine you appear and the less she is attracted to you. Also, the more times you strike out with women the more it eats into your confidence - if that is the main focus in your life. Vicious circle.

One of the best ways to build self-confidence is to focus on doing something you love, and doing it well. I don't care if you're learning to program a computer, to groom poodles, or to fix air conditioners, there comes a point where you realize you know more about the subject than the people around you and start feeling pride in your professional work or studies. This will feed your self-confidence without you even realizing what is happening. Your posture, demeanor, little cues in your behavior, will all change without you realizing it. Those are the changes you can't fake. Once you've reached that point a woman who is otherwise compatible with you will have an easier time being attracted to you romantically.

My experience was similar to Kortie's, and his advice is good. I had years with no girlfriend until I reached grad school and things started to click. It can be incredibly frustrating, but it is one of those things that doesn't have an effective shortcut.

The little experience I've had with counselors and the one or two friends I have who have had a few years in the field, it seems me the role of counselor or therapist is not to give you answers EVEN IF they already know how to fix you. I would be a terrible pro counselor because I will tell you straight up what your issues are and give you a plan to fix it.

No, what THEY do is basically get you to talk it out while guiding the conversation. While you verbally explore your issues and they listen, the little input they provide by asking pointed questions intended to help you discover those answers on your own.

I disagree with that, but whatever. Honestly, even if I dislike it, I can't say I really blame them. First off, actually FIXING your problem means a loss of income for them. They want you to have problems so you'll keep coming back!

But as the same time, they have a legit concern. Just because they can see a solution and could fix you with a single word, they can't make you actually BELIEVE their solution would work. They know that if you come up with the solution on your own, you're more likely to put faith in it and follow through.

See, your therapist knows that your actual problem has nothing to do with finding a gf. I don't know you well enough to say what the underlying problem IS. But I know just enough to tell you having a gf won't fix it. Your therapist may have you figured out already, I dunno. But she can't tell you that, even though she probably wants to.

Goals? For starters, focus on whatever you already enjoy doing. Start from a place or activity that already gives you emotional stability and comfort. Spiral outward towards things that will help you win friends. Don't break your social comfort zone. Simply stretch it a little. You'll find it starts to get easier. Work on getting some paid work so you'll have independence. Then work on transportation to get you mobile. Meet up with girls on a CASUAL basis for a while. No expectations. Don't call it a "date" even if it is. Don't talk about bf/gf. She's just one of the guys. In this scenario, the friendzone is your ally. After you meet up with girls a few times and get used to it, you might consider taking it to the next level.

One other thing I noticed that is hurting you--you throw a lot of blame around. Like your dad, other guys, your culture, "church girls," etc. Erase all negativity from your vocab and from how you relate to others, and that will be a good start. None of these things are things your therapist will tell you. She wants you to see it, though. Once you start to own that, it will put you in a more positive direction.

just so at least they don't forever remain a mystery, i'd ASAP make an appointment with a sex worker of some kind, preferably a call girl and not a street worker as that is safer. it will be a sound investment.

I did today. What she suggested escapes me.

Last edited by Marknis on 29 Jun 2017, 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

College has been a road to nowhere for me. I flunked classes I thought I would excel in, I don't fit in with the social scene there, and the doors are closing on me as far as getting a degree. I am turning 29 this August, have very few credits, and will probably be in my 50's before I can even get an associates since not only have I flunked and dropped some classes, I have taken hiatuses due to frustrations with the place.

If you have no friends or girlfriend, it's natural to constantly think about what could be instead of what is.

Don't overthink it, loneliness sucks and humans have a powerful desire for love and friendship.

All you really can do is:

1. Keep trying to make new friends and find love.

2. Distract yourself with your hobbies and interests, but remember to actually enjoy what you do.

Your hobbies aren't just distractions, you do them for fun and to relieve stress. The fact that your hobbies distract you from your loneliness should be a side effect of having fun things to do, and not the main reason you should be doing things.

3. Looksmax, Personalitymax and Financialmax (i.e., maximise your attractiveness levels in all areas to improve your chances).

But stop beating yourself up.

Did you know the more you try NOT to think of something, the more you will start to think about it?

Your therapist is right but stop beating yourself up if you fail to stop thinking about it.

In fact you don't even have to stop thinking about it, but think about it a little bit less.

Just take small steps.

If 80% of your day is spent doing other stuff, and 20% you feel sad and lonely, then that's GOOD ENOUGH.

The key is to just not be depressed or unhappy all of the time, but only some of the time.

People with almost no friends and no relationship WILL feel VERY lonely every single day for at least an hour or two, it's just not beatable when you're in that position in life, but it is manageable.

Your therapist shouldn't be telling you 'STOP thinking about having no girlfriend' they should be telling you 'CONTROL the amount of time you spend thinking about having no girlfriend'.

What made you flunk those courses?

If I didn't follow the syllabus to the letter when I went to college, I would have flunked, too.

I'm not criticizing you. Maybe there's a solution which will help you pass, instead of flunk, eve with a C.

Partly it was because I had to do mandatory math classes but I struggle with math (I think I have dyscalculia) so the stress carried over into the other classes. My energy level is also crummy and it makes it hard for me to absorb information into my head. I feel like a black cloud follows me wherever I go.