NT PARTNERS- What do they do to upset/annoy you?

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I wanted to add this thread, because although I love my husband very much and he is usually quite supportive, he drives me absolutely insane at times.

Why is it that even after you tell an NT person that you have AS, and explain it all in great depth to them, that they still insist on reprimanding you on certain things that you just don't comprehend?

My husband has been home 1 hour tonight and has already told me off on two separate occasions. Both times I explained that he had misunderstood what I was intending to say/saying and yet he still insisted on what felt very much like punishing me for my poor social conduct with him.

I was trying to scroll through forums to pick up something to talk to him about (he seems to need small talk) and he had a go at me over a few things I said (which were completely harmless) and reduced me to tears. Then he walked off into the kitchen, and I ran crying into the lounge and curled up in a ball. I saw him walk into the office (where I had the forums up on the computer), so I assumed he was going to apologise for being heartless and making me cry, and I went in to make up with him.

HE HAD TAKEN OVER THE COMPUTER AND REFUSED TO APOLOGISE!!

So then I shoved him out of frustration when he started yelling at me again and walking away, and he spilled hot coffee on the floor. Now I feel like the one who is a massive b!tch.

I really depressed about it all now, but I am also really angry that he is still now refusing to interact with me at all and appears to feel no remorse.

Am I alone in feeling like this? What things do your/ have your NT partner/s done to upset or annoy you (past or present)?

My guess is that there are going to
just be tough times. You're going
to have to learn to work together,
in order to keep them from boiling
over, in this way.

I suspect that my decent relationships
were both with women on the spectrum,
(and the one which probably wasn't - less
certain either way - was absolutely hellish)
so I can't really be a great deal of help here.
But, being able to discuss after the fact what
went wrong is terribly important.

One thing, is to try and put yourselves in the
other's shoes. It's easy to see your own point
of view, but let's look at his: he sees you crying,
doesn't feel like it's really his fault; maybe has no
idea what set you off. Probably knows to give you
some time alone. So, he finds some way to amuse
himself. Turns out, this just pissed you off more, but
now, looking back, it's easier to see.

Once boundaries and patterns of behavior become
more set, it will become easier, but that doesn't mean
that the work is done. For, comfort makes it so damned
easy to grow apart. But, that's another story - just don't
let it go too far in the direction of contentment, and taking
one another for granted.

There were 2 things that my NT ex-wife used to do which spring right to mind.

1) Marathon talking. She's the sort of person that would stretch phone calls beyond the hour mark if you didn't end them somehow. Small talk likewise, or complaining, or whatever. Somehow she never interpreted my going catatonic, tearing my hair, or fleeing the area as indicative of a problem. And they say that we have no empathy.

2) Drama. She'd start yelling about something, and if I didn't yell back at her, she took it as meaning that I didn't care. (No, I find yelling to be an ineffective method of problem solving which usually does more harm than good.) True to (1) above, it would go on and on, not having gotten the desired response. I could lock myself in a room, and she would continue her rant from the other side of the door. The only thing that really worked was taking a long walk. Eventually, I went on one and didn't come back.

Sorry you are having these difficulties.

I have had boyfriends in the past who were really horrible to me despite knowing about my AS. I think that they were just looking for someone vulnerable to push around though.

I now have a really lovely NT boyfriend, although he does bug me at times too (but when I tell him, he is generally quite understanding and we find a way to compromise).

HOW HE BUGS ME

Talks too much and too loudly (solution: I tell him, in a nice way, that I need some 'quiet time' or I say 'would you mind speaking a little less loudly?)

Talks when I am on the computer (solution as above)

Walks around when I am nervous (solution: if possible I leave the room)

Walks really slowly (solution: I try to walk less quickly - VERY difficult for me - or I suggest we get the bus, or that I carry one of his bags, or that I go on ahead etc.)

Tries to do small talk (solution: remind him that I don't understand small talk. If he seems to 'need' conversation, I try to suggest a subject that we both like to talk about, like politics etc. even if it means I have to do some research first. For example, he is a HUGE Dr. Who fan, so I can do some research about that and we can talk about it. This makes him very happy!)

Can be a little too 'touchy-feely' and clingy (solution: explain that I need some alone time but that I will be happy to spend time and cuddle him etc. after I have had the alone time I need - I just need a little time on my own first).

Tries to drag me into prolonged social situations (solution: explain that for me, socialising is as difficult and stressful as final university exams! I can socialise a little but only in small doses and not where there will be other factors causing me stress, such as things that will trigger sensory overload. Make it clear that after socialising I will need some alone time to 'recover' and I will probably need to rest too as it is very tiring for me.)

Is impractical - does not think of things in a 'task focused' way (I DO think of things in this way. I try to explain my perspective. If this doesn't work, I offer to do certain tasks for him on the understanding that he will help me with tasks that I find difficult but he finds easier.)


WAYS HE IS GREAT:

Understands about AS and is always willing to listen to further explanations and do research and ask questions to gain further understanding.

Is very patient.

Does not pressure me into doing things I can't cope with.

Doesn't get angry with me or make me feel inferior for having AS.

Stands up for me to other people - is on my side (no-one in my LIFE has ever been on my side before - not even my family or the people I thought were my friends).

Likes some of my AS quirks and sees them as part of who I am rather than as an annoying defect that needs to be corrected.

Knows basic BSL! So we can communicate even when I am non-verbal (which can happen when I am very stressed).


-------------------------------------

So I feel that for me the positives outweigh the negatives. And even NTs annoy each other, so I think we're doing pretty well!

I can't say my dh has ever done any of that and we didn't know about AS when we got married (in fact that was 13 years before it even made it into the DSM). I'm not sure why he was mad at you, but he needs to be specific about what exactly he wants to hear. You will both have to compromise. Having AS doesn't mean that you can't attempt to make small talk even if you don't see the point of it. My dh doesn't have this need, but my co-workers do. You'll meet plenty of people in life who need it and though it will never make sense to you why, you can learn to give them a little of what they need so they will let you alone on the subject. Just remember, he's probably accomodating some things for your AS, so it won't hurt to accomodate some things for his NT.

I can't say dh and I ever had this problem. We can both go for hours without talking. He's pretty NT (he was even in a fraternity), but he takes that somewhere else (organizes teams at work and such). We had different problems. He definitely saw what were AS symptoms long before they were called that anywhere in the States (and even England). He knows I can't read a person to save my life, which of course scares him to death. So he tends to be overly protective and sometimes I'll tell him he's not the boss of me or my parent. He's completely OCD and when he was really going overboard with it and woke me up at 2:30 in the morning to tell me the linen closet was in disorder and he just couldn't take it anymore (a towel was crooked), I lost it. I told him that there were drugs for people like him and if he ever woke me up over something so stupid again I would kill him and he wouldn't have to worry about the towels. (I'm not exactly known for being sensitive.) Our issues have actually been few and far between. We both have things and I can tell you right now that you do as well. It's give and take on both sides. You might want to get that book, Asperger's and Long Term Relationships. At least it's laid out logically, gives practical examples and is not negative. It might help you both out.

exist

I just thought I'd add that my husband is a great guy and we are great together about 90% of the time. I tend to come in here when I feel I can't reason with him and am spinning out of control. Just thought I'd mention that he is a nice person too, we just clash sometimes.

When I read your post, I noticed that sometimes you blamed yourself for your husband's aggressive behaviour; however, I have the impression that he is the one to blame. He seems to have a problem controlling his anger. It's already established that he has trouble "deciphering" your actions, so you both should be focusing on finding a solution.

I had more to add, but the actor-observer bias link sums it up.

My girlfriend is my favourite person in the world. I feel incredibly lucky for meeting her, because she seems to be just the right person for me, the only one who I could spend my life with. She understands AS, and even relies on my aspie qualities sometimes (I help her with her math problems and computer-related issues). There's only one of my aspie traits she can't stand: the fact that I can't keep a fluid conversation or make comments about what she says.

It bothers me when I go to a party with a friend/partner and they walk off without me, expecting me to socialize on my own. They could at least introduce me to people first, to make it easier.