Ghosts of our own delusions

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It’s been a while since I’ve had much of an interest in romance. Probably a much needed break, but I think at this point it may well be indefinite. So I’m not really asking for advice, just making a simple observation, perhaps to help some younger or more naive men on the spectrum.

Some years ago(I don’t actually recall how long ago, just that it’s been at least a couple), there was one coworker who’d seemed to show interest in me. At least, that’s what I thought based on what little experience I’ve had. Went out of her way to introduce herself, always went out of her way to talk to me or hug me, gave me her number and subsequently texted a lot, at one point asked for a bite of my lunch, exchanged gifts from different vacations. Simply not attention I was accustomed to by most people in general since I tend to keep to myself. Only one other person outside of family has done so, and that took a number of years to develop. This took place in the span of a couple months, until she got fired.

Don’t remember whether it was before or after, but I’d decided to take a risk and ask her out on a date. Her response amounted to a typical one about me being a great guy, “but...” In fact, I believe that’s where she left off and didn’t actually go into any detail. Sucked, but I was still willing to chat. She didn’t seem to reply as often, and it felt like I was putting more effort into talking than she was, so I cut my losses and deleted her number and eventually her Facebook after finding she got into a new relationship. As it was, it was a bit awkward with the way she was fired while I still worked there.

Fast forward a bit, end of July would have made four years at that place, much longer than my first job, but I could not stand how concieted the new management was, especially considering how utterly incompetent he is compared to every previous one. Of course, I left on better terms this time, and with a new job in place that was guaranteed and pays better, with more opportunities to move up. Needless to say, having changed my perspective on self worth and what it is tied to has given me enough confidence not to take s**t from anyone, and to know what I deserve.

The unfortunate thing about it was finding she also works here now. Granted, it’s a bigger place with more varied shifts, so it hasn’t been hard to avoid contact(especially since I figure they don’t pay employees to stand around chit chatting). At one point there was a brief moment I had to ask her to move aside, relatively quietly, and she said something to the effect of “You know I love you” before hugging me, and telling the person training me to treat me nice or else.

More recently, we happened to both have our breaks around the same time. Just so happened I had caught a cold during my first few weeks here, so I went in anyway so not as to make a bad impression, and I’d decided to sit away from her. She noticed, and despite expressing I didn’t want to spread germs, she insisted, so I sat across from her. First thing she said was she just got out of an abusive relationship, so far as I can tell the one I found out about years ago, and just had a date with the most amazing guy ever. Somehow that got around to her telling me “You know I said I’d go out with you, remember? Well, if I was free...” Perhaps there was some sarcasm in that, but I’d like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at detecting at least that by now, in my 26 years, with having always been told I’m particularly humorous. Either way, I have a very solid memory, and don’t remember anything close to that. She also told me she still has the dream catcher I got her, hanging from her ceiling fan, so I lied and said I still have what she got me, but I think I threw it out while moving. Break time was up for her, I wished her luck, and she responded with how she was just about to ask me to say that.

Curiosity got to me and I added her back on fb just to see she’s still single, but she does have one post from maybe a month back about the supposed date that went so well. Also found her number in my “recents”(didn’t know these could save them from so long ago) and texted her one night, and she seemed pretty talkative, but it was late and neither of us have texted since.

I don’t like to make assumptions, but based on all of this and some talk about her being flirty in general at my previous job, all I can figure is she either can’t commit and wants to line up substitutes, or just really likes the attention. She had told me once that she had self esteem problems, so maybe that accounts for some behaviors and lends itself to abusive relationships, but then there are not many girls I’ve talked to who haven’t told me the same exact thing.

This is just one example of many, but honestly one of the more blatant ones, of dishonesty, to the point where I don’t know where the lies are, or which are truths. Once upon a time I might have stressed over it, but now, even if I knew what to do, whether it’s as simple as out-doing her last date, it’s just not worth the time or energy. I don’t think I can say I hate women, I’m sure many do it higher up the food chain, but I can only speak to men’s experiences, who I’m sure have also gone through very specific mind games. At least there’s an interesting social discussion to be had from this, if any good comes from it at all.

I’d told her, after she’d talked about having said she’d date me, that I came to the conclusion I led a happier life without a ball and chain. Perhaps it came a bit late, as only a little over a year ago I cut up my arms over someone who most likely doesn’t remember I exist, but after that and the decision to walk away, and the scars to remind me, it has been far easier to find out what I actually enjoy doing, and parse it from what I was doing for external validation - and not just from my potential partners, but my peers as well.

Maybe it would not be a terrible idea for some here to mull over. I can’t dictate what others should value in life; I can only say what is currently working for me. And I realize taking the time to write all of this is telling of my commitment, but I liken it to falling off the wagon to an alcoholic. It’s a mild interest in the dynamic that used to and still does confuse me, but is no longer a stress in my life.

She sounds like she's emotionally unavailable. Stick with being friends with her. And yes, it is 100% true that you should find out what you like to do. Make yourself emotionally reliant on yourself and the whole world starts to seem a little easier to navigate.