Longer Term Love

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Hi,

I find this forum really interesting for all the perspectives on here.

I'm still with my ND partner (I suspect he has Aspergers and he has researched and started seeking some advice now). Going through bit of a bad patch as he's got very low since considering he might have Aspergers which isn't what I want at all, was hoping it would improve things for him.
He struggles a lot with day to day organisation, social stuff and gets very very anxious with heavy work loads. Also when he's like this communication shuts down and he goes into over whelm (staying up at night and hardly saying anything).

We live with each other and his need for fixed routine is very difficult and often clashes with my needs. I need some routine too, just different and have more flexibility. It's like his routines take precedence over my needs and always take priority over what ever else is going on which I find upsetting. As this is day in day out it wears me down.

Generally we've had a strong relationship full of love and kindness but I guess as time goes on the differences seem a bit more and I often feel burnt out (as does he). I want to go on holiday but he doesn't. I often want instant empathy (I've been unwell) and he needs more time to mull things over. He doesn't want much conversation, I want a lot. Also feel quite isolated a lot, he's not too bothered by socialising other than with a flat mate in the house (think she has a crush on him which isn't great for me though we all still get along).

I find I'm often trying to keep things going in terms of organisation and find his constant forgetfulness over important things and lateness really, really hard though I understand and support him.

Not saying I'm an angel and it's been hard as I've been unwell and unable to be as independent as I like. I know he works hard to accommodate me but what is becoming clear is a different way of being.

Often do find I'm taking on a care taker role which I don't want and my own life is suffering, trying to reprioritise and take some space.

I do really love him.

Any advice from anyone? Thanks. Appreciated help before.

Best,

Swift.

Hi SwiftSky

Ive been looking for forums where I can chat to someone who also have a partner on a spectrum. Only came across this page this morning. I feel similar to you in my relationship. I feel let down, I feel my boyfriends priorities are wrong and that he doesn't seem to be learning from his mistakes. We are very much in love, however I feel like my love is going somewhere. I cannot trust my boyfriend, im not feeling like his priority and lately I was ill and he didn't look after me.

I have purchased several books regarding being in relationship with someone Autistic etc and I am still trying to see, if I can be in this kind of relationship.

I don't live with my boyfriend, he rents a room but very often stays over at his parents house, he either minds the dog when they are on holidays on stays over after Friday night dinner or borrows his mum's car and it's just never ending.

He is 36 and I'm his first girlfriend. He does not have a full time job. He does art and gigs.
He depends a lot on his parents. When I first met him he was still living with them.

I feel like Im constantly teaching him to do the right things. He upsets me with his selfish ways and by not being assertive to his parents.

I have two kids and I'm very in depended.

I'm sorry I don't provide too much of advise to you, but its nice to know that there is someone to talk to.
Thanks

Welcome

Aspie married w Aspie and parents of Aspie son.

Yep, it's a challenge.

Even if I feel we were all born on the wrong planet, I also feel we are from different planets.

Sometimes the alienation from the non-Aspie species feel like a bond we share. Sometimes the differences in needs and routines are exhausting.
I believe most of my suffering comes from the stress of all of us living together. If I could choose I would prefer to live on my own while connecting when everyone feels like it. Of course that is impossible as a parent.

What helps me is reminding that I only have 2 responsibilities: that of being a mom and that of leading my own life.
My husband is a bonus if he is expressing love. If not, that is not my problem, it's his.
I no longer try to change or manage. Just accept and draw boundaries if needed.
So yes, space, lots of space, literally.

You're Aspie....yet you are Sweet.

This goes to show....being Aspie does not preclude one from being a full person.

Thanks,

It's nice to connect with people. I only have parents and friends to talk to about this and they just don't get the Aspie thing. They get some of it sure but not the subtle complexities. I've spent a lot of time reading, talking to autistic groups e.t.c to manage.

I have been through a very traumatic time for about 3 years and my lovely partner stuck with me when most would have walked away. Being so sensitive I think he is feeling the shock waves himself and not understanding I'm still feeling them myself. Like the after shock of an Earth quake.

Understand he is more sensitive than most male partners but at the moment so am I. Looking back at the thread I realise it's when he's in over whelm that I post as he just switches off, which feels so cold and lonely. He does express love but it's the empathy thing that seems mismatched. I know he is empathising, giving me books he is interested in but doesn't understand that's not the love language I understand. Books I am interested in would be better! Or just the conversation about what is going on for me.

Really nice to hear from someone in an Aspie NT relationship and Aspie, Aspie relationship and the kind replies from the gentleman who has helped me with all my posts.

I know some relationships work very successfully. To be honest this is my best relationship as he's such a nice man.

The thing I find hard is that it literally affects each others health which is awful when you love someone so much. His routines cause my heart rate to rise (we measured it) and I notice my IBS goes when I get away. He also experiences extreme stress trying to live on NT terms (in the rest of his life as well as with me), he gets IBS too and has to retreat to the bathroom for his routines a lot (usually at the time I need him most).

My partner also lived with his mum very late and for the first part of our relationship. I emailed her about his recent melt down and switch to nocturnal routines (I think for focus and quiet, plus his circadian rhythms are distorted) and she says just to take space and let him pull him self out of it. I'm trying but it's so distressing to see someone in this state (and know you are part of the reason he's in it) but stand back.

As we've been through this before I know he's actually not being selfish and is trying to figure his way through a quagmire of emotions and process vast amounts of information (degree course, social activities, living away from home, relationship demands, trauma we both went through, and our kitty is very sick - he is very close to the cat).

Hope this helps the NT lady who is struggling too.

Know he can't communicate because it's too much but I still feel unheard (I'm sure he does too). Only so much I can compromise myself.

Sometimes think we'd both be better off with someone more similar... I have some aspie traits myself though don't think I'd qualify on the spectrum as am highly communicative and emotionally literate but also highly sensitive; need for a lot of time alone, like routines to some extent and struggle with sense of self at times also can get scrambled with dates, time e.t.c. due to being in my own creative world.

Great to hear from you all so please feel free to comment more as it's very interesting to hear other peoples perspectives and lives.

P.S I work with AS children in my job too and am pretty good at working out what they need and really enjoy it.

Katarzynka

I think one of the tricks is to be very direct and say you need looking after and exactly how.

Do you need your groceries done? Medication getting? Your hair stroked? A massage? Help cooking? Spell it out. Maybe even email or message it.

Also he isn't going to be capable some days depending on what else is hitting him or if he is having a time when he needs to "download" information e.g. after an intense period of learning, an outing, a social event, something is happening with his family e.t.c.

If he's like my partner he is doing his best often but it doesn't appear that way.

I'm sorry to hear about the trauma SwiftSky

We experienced extreme trauma too a few times and got out together which certainly makes a bond strong. So I can empathize a bit.

My question is: why do you live together?

And do you also practice what you preach? Like the advices above?

What do you do for you when your needs are not met?

Further ime it's about managing expectations. Did you read Eva Mendes's books?
Something that stuck with me from something David Finch said (good book for adult males on the spectrum in a LTR):
Anyone caring for someone with special needs also has special needs.

For example I also have ADHD that was diagnosed first before ASD. Still I am the main structurer of the household which is a huge burden.
Before I knew of my own ASD I read somewhere that the combo in an LTR with ASD is that both partners are on the spectrum, just in different ways. Neuro diverse relationships I think they are called. ADHD and ASD share more traits, than ASD and NT. I also consider PTSD to be a neurodiversity. Or other severe conditions that impact how one lives their lives.

As for romantic gestures, for me it's being scientifically curious on how much is cultural wiring and how much is an authentic personal trait and thus need.

Hi,

Yes, I have thought about what you post here. I'm going to think on it before writing a lengthy reply.

Definitely since I've been unwell then I have been more selfish and unable to be reflective about my partners behaviour and only reactive.

Mostly he doesn't need cues to do practical things when I'm unwell as we've been there before (he has a repertoire but can't always respond to shifts/subtleties). When I get upset he asks what to do but I don't know.

I haven't been great lately and over looked that he hasn't been well either as I felt so rubbish.

We lived together as I wanted to try it and we do both enjoy it to some extent it's just out of control at the moment. Also my house burnt down and had to find lodgings in a rush.

I've come away for some space since my needs aren't being met and both of us are extremely stressed at the moment so I've gone to a hotel.

Will write back about some other points.

We will go to couples counselling if a counsellor ever becomes available!

Thanks

Thank you All very much for your post.

Sorry to hear about your house SwiftSky. I will be purchasing some of Eva Mendes books, thanks for sharing HelloSweetie.

Reading is good.

I've read a lot of forums and have the Neuro Tribes book. I should buy a relationship book as have had a few suggested but I get frustrated as I spend so much time trying to understand his world and don't feel I get the same in return. He hasn't bought any books! I suggested one on the language of love as everyone feels love differently and speaks a different "love language" He totally dismisses self help books or books about relationship.

I did talk to Dr about being on spectrum and also autistic society. I think I'm probably on the bottom borderline (fluctuates).

I'm aware I have "special needs" ... physical disability, pain, PTSD, depression but don't know if they are neurodiverse in the same way as Aspie? They aren't necessarily there for ever and are treatable. Although people tend to have a predisposition to PTSD.

My partner was understanding about my differences and encouraging when we met and being gregarious I helped him get out more (my confidence is down and I don't do this anymore, it's like my battery has been discharged by the relationship to some extent).

Personally we are both going through hard times and think both of our coping is minimal and our relationship input is less. He's in a lot of personal pain about probably being AS. Wasn't diagnosed at school.

Will buy some book titles after I've ploughed through some about my own health.

Really got to learn to put myself first.

I do think a lot about cultural wirings.

Personally as an individual romance makes me happy. Getting flowers fills me with joy, I love dining out and walking in the park and going to see a romantic movie together.

Do agree a lot of it is cultural wiring though, though I do seem to have an intrinsic need to be hearts and flowers.

I think he thinks he's more romantic than me. Maybe he is! I think we both make a lot of nice gestures.

Our courtship was by no means typically romantic!

I seem to be writing a lot. I used to be a professional writer and have a need to get back to that.

Hello Sweetie,

Thanks so much

SwiftSky you are most welcome hugs

Your story resonates with me. Also diagnosed w chronic pain and depression. I see them as symptoms due to chronic stress rather than commorbidities. Did lots of research on the subject.

When ASD is diagnosed in adults ones deals with lots of (unhelpful?) coping mechanisms or even survivor skills to keep one's head above the water in this world/planet/society.

Some of your issues may also have to do with the relationship stress. I know it affects me.

Here is a nice playlist on YouTube about relationships and ADS, including presentations from Eva Mendes.
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL ... -WNHVyxg9Y
If you are in the US you can even get in touch with them and their support groups.

I read and get your frustrations. Just something that helped me: I can only be responsible for my own issues within the relationship. And those are the only ones that I can influence to some extent.
Of course you can share about your experiences with your BF.

My husband made a great point last we spoke about this:
'why should I read all those books when you are so much better with that? When you have technical problems I don't ask you to teach yourself coding? I just help.' We all bring strengths into relationships. Appreciating your own and those of your partner can build bridges IME.

Mindfulness helps me a lot to deal with acceptance and making space for myself. I also found that that inner space and calm spill over to my surroundings, including (social) relationships.
There are several apps that you can use. I find Headspace.com to fit me best.

Another inspirational author I like is Brene Brown http://brenebrown.com
Awesome TedTalks
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

I experience that getting to your core and authentic self and acting in sync with that is lots more helpful than dealing with labels. It's a tough road but you are worth it.

Warm hugs

My boyfriend and I had another conversation last night and I think he doesn't always understand me, but says he does just because he doesn't want to upset me.

He struggles to treat me as priority and he finds himself pulled from both sides, me and his parents. He only moved out 4 months ago, but still continue to visit on Fridays for Jewish dinner and often stays overnight for comfort instead of cycling back to his flat. He also borrows his mum car and dog sits. I think his parents are also autistic because the don't speak about emotions. They just get on with routine task. They never invite me for dinners, unless my boyfriend book me in.

They don't seem to understand that he is no longer single, that he is now in relationship, they still ask him to dog sit for two weeks while they go on holidays. Dog is 13 years old and not really fit to be cared for by anybody else, so Im told. However, they also require my boyfriend to stay overnight with them before he takes them to the airport in the morning. They fear he may not pick them up on time.

Their demands put so much restrain on our relationship and we have had so many conversations about my boyfriend really needing to talk to them. He said its very difficult for him, because he never spoken to them about feelings and because he himself is confusing and he feels sad not being able to be close with them. I try to explain that they are not going anywhere, he can still visit, we live in the same city. In January he stayed overnight at his parents in total 7 nights. He stays in my house two, three times a week. What is the point him renting a room?

I feel like outsider and he agreed that his mum should be inviting me.
He agreed he struggles to put me first. He never gets upset, he gets frustrated and tired and want to choose the easiest way out. He hates me getting in the mood and would avoid being around if he can.

I don't know what else to do. Im trying my best and I feel like Im just wasting my time.
Should I let him move in with me so that we have better communication, as sometimes he forgets to inform me of things. If he lives with me then I may become priority then. He is out to speak to his mum, I shall give him a change and see if he can learn to deal with his parents. I must say I don't think he can do it and its just a shame that because he is not strong enough, we are loosing our relationship.

How old are you? You seem young...

IME living together makes relationship issues with ASD lots more complicated instead of easier. Unless one has a big enough living space where the person with ASD can live totally independently (including utilities etc).

The risk of the non-ASD person to become some kind of care taker, housekeeper etc. is very big unless straight forward boundaries and tasks are being agreed upon before hand in writing (I call them 'the Sheldon Cooper' contract).

When the umbilical cord between an ASD person and their parents is still intact, one will also need to realize that they 'marry' that family as well. Which of course will lead to more stress creating a pressure cooker.

Plus you mentioned having kids?
You have a major responsibility towards your children to offer a nice low stress environment for them to grow up in. They come first, before your BF's needs.
Having an ASD partner can often feel like having an extra child.

Imo one would rather opt for a way that each person matures first by independent living and have a LAT relationship before living together all the time.

Hi,

I drifted off this thread as was quite stressed at the time. I'm going to check out the links. Thanks so much.

Are you still guys still together Emu Egg? Did you move in?

I decided to part ways from my boyfriend as I found it to be true that living together created more stress not less. Currently we are in the same house but not Boyfriend/Girlfriend. I will look for a new place soon.

The problems you experience with him not telling you things, probably won't change if you live together.

I realised I need to focus on my own life and I did end up care taking my partner, who was point blank refusing to take help despite relationship problems, money problems and failing in his work.

Realised even if he did. He would always probably be Aspie and I would be NT.

I hope for both of us now the stress of the relationship is off things can improve.

Still love him very much but realised I was wanting him to be NT, which he just can't be.

He's always going to forget things, struggle with time keeping, social interactions and planning and organisation.

I'm always going to have my back ground, medical make up and history and react emotionally to life.

So I decided the most loving thing was to let go.

Very sad but I think the healthy way.