Polyamory: Someone Please Help Me Understand

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I'm still in shock. I've been in a few threads talking about polyamory with some Aspie men and decided to bring up the subject to my Aspie guy friend that I've known for 1.5 yrs now. He said he thinks open relationships are ok if both people were comfortable with it and if he had a partner that he could truly trust. What? I'm shocked that we could be so opposite of each other regarding this important subject. We both grew up as Catholics and he said that he wanted a marriage like his parents that have been married for a long time. So why would he think that "swinging" is ok? When I tried to question him further on why he thinks this way, he cut the discussion off saying he had to go to bed. Fine. I'm not going to lie, I really have feelings for my Aspie friend and have said in the past that I would date him in two seconds. One of the reasons is because I thought we were so much like each other and that we both wanted a strong relationship like his parents have. Was that a lie? I think why this is bothering me so much is that he is one of the closest people to me and I thought I knew most things about him, but you never really know anyone. This just confirms that I'm never going to find a decent guy that thinks like me. I don't understand the logic with this polyamory stuff. If my guy wanted to share me with someone else, then he doesn't care one thing about me. My Aspie friend talked of trust - if it was someone he felt like he could really trust. How is trust built if you're sleeping with a bunch of other people? If I'm actually sleeping with a bunch of different men, I sure don't care anything about any of them except who is best in bed. I think I'm so shocked because I'm as straight-laced as they come - Christian, believe in one guy, one marriage, loyal, trustworthy. Where is the loyalty and trust in this polyamory crap? I want someone to help me understand the logic in this. Like I had said in another thread, now I'm going to have to screen anyone I date on whether they are into this polyamory, otherwise I don't want to waste my time. I guess I'm just hurt on how I could feel so close to someone that thinks so different from me. Maybe there might have been a chance for us to be more than friends before, but now that I know this about him - there will never be a chance.

I see no issue with it provided everybody can collectively keep level heads - scarcely different from any other scenario really. Differing opinions never impeded social contracts before, why should they now? I would see my own circumstances as similar if I were looking from a religious angle, however with me it's more about rampant social ambiguity among my generation; all we really need to do is be patient with everyone. We're all sharing a planet regardless.

Trust isn't an allegorical Mayan temple built around the last one when the person distributing the trust rolled one too many skulls down the stairs. Trust is a gigantic dynamic that includes a lot more than just people. By some measures, my cat is more trustworthy than any human I've ever met. Polyamory for girls I date means a relationship with everything I know, me, and (sometimes) whomever they're dating. In that order. As much as you might be inclined to view your hypothetical suitors as commodities, nobody has succeeded in a brain transplant just yet. As humans we only like anybody in the first place because we get along with them.

Thank you for answering, but I don't understand anything you said. You speak of contracts. How is that a relationship? And you say sometimes with the people they date - do you mean you have sex with men or a threesome? I'm confused.

And this is a question for guys: wouldn't you be wondering if the other guy is better than you in bed? I know I'd be making mental notes on who is better and spending more time with that guy. Why would I waste my time with my "Hunny" who sucks in bed? What else is there besides sex except emotional fulfillment and Aspie guys aren't really good in that department. I'm speaking for myself, but most NT women would have a problem with this kind of relationship if actual feelings are involved.

That's cool.



I hardly think Catholicism has anything to do with being polyamory. The former is a religion the latter is an inherited preference.



But the main theme in polyamory is not swinging and sex (contrary to what so people claim, even in the polyamory community). A much better definition of polyamory is that it is the ability to share attention and love between multiple people. People that are polyamory can still be in monogamous relationships (most probably are), and even those that aren't don't have sex with random people. You can more think of it as they are dating another person while in a relationship, and not for the purpose of leaving the already established relationship, but to add another.



Not at all. Polyamory relationships are just as strong as normal relationship, possibly even stronger.



That's from your monogamous perspective, but from his polyamorous perspective he cares just as much about you if he only has you as if he has an additional girl as well.



First, not everybody that are polyamory will sleep with multiple partners. It's an issue of negotiation. As an asexual, I wouldn't accept that my partner slept with other people, so if I ever get into new relationships, I have to select people that are both asexual and polyamory.

But I suppose somebody that is sexual and polyamory needs to explain about the "sleeping around" issue.



There is no difference in this area. It's just that monogamous people automatically connect this to having only one partner. It doesn't have to be like that. Compare it to friendships. You are not illoyal or untrustworthy to an old friend just because you get a new one.

Polygamy is more of an issue with virgins who've been indoctrinated by religious-beliefs into thinking that sex is bad or wrong or is meant only for one for everybody. That simply is not the case, just like not everybody has the exact same sex-drive (I have had periods of time in my life where my sexual-stamina was so excessive that any girl who was « fortunate » enough for me to make her cum multiple times over the course of seven hours non-stop simply ends up having trouble walking straight for a few days in a row), and similarly, not everybody eats the same amount of food as everyone else, nor the same types of food, either.

When you are indoctrinated with the belief(s) that sex is some-how sacrèd, then yes, congratulations, you have basically been taught to deny your very own nature, placing unearned guilt upon an activity that should actually be accepted rather than condemned, just as long as it is not forced upon others or coerced or given freely to the abusive. This is not something that you would be able to simply understand without a conversion of your thought-processes, beliefs, paradigm, and most-importantly, experience as to what may drive people to give up on the idea of « The One » mythology (like myself, for example, I had remained a virgin-by-choice all the way up until the age of 27, even going to such extremes as never even hugging anybody, solely to save it all for one girl, but eventually it became clear to me that such a girl does not exist, not one who'd do similar as I did for so long, considering that every single girl I had ever encountered always had some kind of ex- in some form or another, and it eventually got to the point where I just didn't care any more, all of the girls always end up with someone else as far as I was concerned, and those who would otherwise qualify would be too young to the point that I'd be considered a pedophile [a phenomenon that I would like to look into & research & study as I think society has some kind of unfair witch-hunting mentality against pedophiles who are simply victims of the « save your virginity » cult-beliefs that are so prevalent throughout religions]).

I am sorry if this does not necessarily « help you understand » but the « control » over others is NOT « love » but greed that you feel like you need to keep a partner all to yourself. You do not need to bound the ones you care for in chains & restrict their freedoms, and for that matter, some people are bi-sexual, have threesomes, even foursomes & group-sex, even if married, but that also comes from their own confidence and being/feeling secure in themselves. Only the insecure will feel « threatened » that any partner they have may choose to further-explore additional sexual-experiences than what they've had available thus far. I should warn you that « fear » actually does happen to be a « sinful » emotion (jealousy & anger & hatrèd & contempt & such are all also sinful-emotions). I am not religious although I once bought into religious-beliefs until it evolved more towards what might be called spiritual-beliefs.

I just meant any relationship(s) can be seen as social contracts. Most of that ^ is up to you. As an aspie I've never met most NT women, nor do I have any scientific baseline for determining what constitutes typicality within the female psyche.

Also props for being so restrained about your generalizations. As we all know, human physiology is %100 static and none of us anywhere in the world can do a thing about ours.

Since I find sexual intercourse disgusting, I would feel that if somebody I had a relationship with had sex with somebody, I'd find her disgusting, so that would not work for me.



I think Aspie guys are excellent with emotional fulfillment when paired with other ND people.

What?

Ok, what he said is that he's ok with open relationships so I'm taking that would mean sex.

Why couldn't your partner sleep with other people if you are asexual and cannot fulfill that part in the relationship? As long as she fulfills what you want?

It's nothing like friendships. When I look up polyamry it says it involves sex with different partners and all are in agreement.

If someone is doing this polyamry stuff or wanting open relationships then they aren't getting their needs met at home or they just want to casual date and sleep around.

Ok. I guess I need someone who isn't asexual to answer my questions then - no offense. I appreciate your input.

They are not doing casual dating. They are doing serious dating just like anybody would that wanted a partner.

Then look up "asexual polyamory" instead. It does exist, and it is mostly an ND thing (which we expect since both asexuality and polyamory are much more common in Aspies / neurodiversity).

Even if asexual polyamory isn't much described online, it does provide the best model for understanding polyamory. That's because sex is not a necessary part in polyamory, just as it isn't a necessary part of a relationship either.

Last edited by rdos on 14 Aug 2015, 3:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

1st I'm good at emotional fulfillment. tons of aspies are, its a septrum, just like not all aspies are asexual or fine being alone as long as they can spend hours on their interests.

as for polyamory. I don't get it either. its not a only ND thing plenty of NTs do it. I can't be emotional connected or loyal to more then one person at that level that comes with romantic. I wouldn't want two gfs. my loyalty would be torn, if i somehow managed to love both of them that way. doesn't sound fun. but seems it does work for others some how o.O

Actual asexuals notwithstanding, I think a LOT of us here have a drastically simpler perception of what we actually need. I'm not interested in compartmentalizing anyone's sex life because reality demands my focus elsewhere. Mea culpa for eschewing the kiss & tell mentality but all 'open relationship' means to me is multiple open minded people that relate to one another. If I could date casually with a clear conscience perhaps I would, but I'm primarily just interested in girls' minds anyway.

What we have here is a Christian predicating everything on sex and a programmer advocating karmic open-endedness.

So far, this doesn't make any sense. If you and I were dating and I was not getting any sex,
then I would get it from someone else. What would I be getting from you?

Are you asexual too?