Abusive Relationships

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I've done some research on abusive relationships over the years. Both where the females are the victim and the males are the victim, and it's not uncommon in both scenarios for the victim to delay in leaving the relationship, or return to the abuser. For women, part of the fear of leaving is often that they fear for their lives, but regardless of that, there is often times something else keeping victims with their abusers, and that's a desire to be with them. Being puzzled by this, I combed through many victim testimonies in an attempt to understand why, other than fear for their safety if they tried to leave, someone would want to remain with an abuser, and I found the same thing for both men and women.

People are often reluctant to leave abusers because abusers tend to overcompensate for their abuse. They amplify their attractive qualities as doing so negates their abuse and being these attractive qualities tend be many, their victims think "If this one thing would just change about him/her, everything would be perfect".

But it never does because abusers are abusers.

So what I would like the men and women here to understand is, abuse is abuse and the attractive attributes of the person don't change that. If someone crosses the line with you...if they hit you, or berate you in a way that is devaluing, or as one member experienced, change your checking account to a joint account on which they are the primary signer, without your permission, you are probably wasting your time sticking around and hoping they will change their abusive ways and you will be left with Mr. or Mrs. perfect.

You should not have to take this for this

Yes, the "he's a great husband when he doesn't drink" thing.

Yep......but when they drink..........

You should research why neurodiverse women more often are victims of abuse. It cannot solely be because the guy promises to change, or has some other attractive traits.

My guess is that part of the reason is that an inability to say "no" plays a role, and possibly, problems with how to get out of a cohabitation arrangement.

I figure abuse is something I'll just have to accept to get the other aspects of s relationship. But even abususive women don't want me.

Most people aren't very. Nice when drunk. In a perfect world I'd not date anyone who drinks, but most people drink and see it as fun.o.0

Well said. The hardest part was realizing that she (ex that is, not my lovely wife) WAS abusive. The way I saw it, all women were moody, went on irrational tirades, tried to control you because a) I saw it in my own family and b) I took what other men said literally. Just when I had enough and was packing my figurative bag, she would return to the sweet, kind girl who adored me and shared my interests, or so I thought. I would slowly let my guard down, things would be going great and BAM out of nowhere, she would completely flip out, usually over something very trivial. It could have been something so minor as being 5 minutes late picking her up that would lead to a 3 hour screaming match or that the waitress smiled at me (you know, like all waitresses do). This cycle happened again and again until one day the police came knocking on my door. That was the wake up call I needed to only do it a few more times. When I tried breaking up with her, the true colors came out. She almost permanently damaged my car and refused to apologize or even get out. I was foolish enough to promise not to breakup if she stepped out of the car and I was an even bigger fool to keep that promise. After she went on a very angry tirade, calling me every name in the book, she texted me "can I stay with you for a few days" like nothing ever happened. I literally thought I was the crazy one after that experience!

Another factor is that you as an aspie frequently internalize the message that it must be your fault. I learned this from school when teachers/counsellors would say something stupid like "you need to stop making yourself a target for being attacked", as if it was somehow MY fault for being swarmed because I didn't "fit it".

It actually took a while to get used to the fact that on the rare occasion I disappointed my wife, she would spend just 10 seconds on it and never mention it again.


Can we post this on the top of this section as well as on all article about Dating in general?

I now know in hindsight that abusers rarely change and the first time she started acting crazy (when I dared go out and have fun when she was "sick", which was literally every week) I should have told her to leave and then called 911. I was so desperate for companionship I was willing to take such abusive behavior but now I know I deserve far better.