Dating a Feminist (...and I still paid the whole bill)
The_Face_of_Boo
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Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,106
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
So...
I went on a date with a vocal Feminist activist (She's a half Lebanese/SouthAfrican who lived her childhood in England and studies in US), that's the first time ever I date someone who explicitly describes herself as a feminist in her dating profile (because well, feminism isn't that popular here), and many of her interests and activities are related to anti sexism and women matters....nice, good.
So first of all, before Sweetleaf and Co. go for the defense of this woman: She is the one who asked me out today (and hurtloam can confirm that, I showed the screenshot of the actual texting when she asked me out) - she picked the place (which is an expensive place really),- so rest assure jrjones, this is not a troll thread, so basically she is the one who "invited" me.
It was a self-service place, where you pay before dining, so when they billed she said "Do you want to split?" (What a weird question, I mean, shouldn't this be the default for a real feminist? ) but she was holding many stuff in her hand and couldn't open her purse easily so I was like "It's ok, I pay now, we split later", it was around $50, that's about 2.4% of my monthly salary - for a single meal.
She said ok.
But....she didn't do it at the end lol.
She didn't bring it up when we finished, as if she 'forgot it'
At the end, despite me being the invitee, I was the one who paid, like typically the case of a man in dating.
She didn't even thank me for the treat later on in the after date texting, nor brought it out.
While my FWB who's pretty much a traditionalist East Asian insisted to split most of the times , and when I paid whole at time, she thanked me warmly for the treat - compared to that "Feminist", I find this so ironic.
How does she expect me to take her egalitarian views seriously now?
AngelRho
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Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
I went on a date with a vocal Feminist activist (She's a half Lebanese/SouthAfrican who lived her childhood in England and studies in US), that's the first time ever I date someone who explicitly describes herself as a feminist in her dating profile (because well, feminism isn't that popular here), and many of her interests and activities are related to anti sexism and women matters....nice, good.
So first of all, before Sweetleaf and Co. go for the defense of this woman: She is the one who asked me out today (and hurtloam can confirm that, I showed the screenshot of the actual texting when she asked me out) - she picked the place (which is an expensive place really),- so rest assure jrjones, this is not a troll thread, so basically she is the one who "invited" me.
It was a self-service place, where you pay before dining, so when they billed she said "Do you want to split?" (What a weird question, I mean, shouldn't this be the default for a real feminist? ) but she was holding many stuff in her hand and couldn't open her purse easily so I was like "It's ok, I pay now, we split later", it was around $50, that's about 2.4% of my monthly salary - for a single meal.
She said ok.
But....she didn't do it at the end lol.
She didn't bring it up when we finished, as if she 'forgot it'
At the end, despite me being the invitee, I was the one who paid, like typically the case of a man in dating.
She didn't even thank me for the treat later on in the after date texting, nor brought it out.
While my FWB who's pretty much a traditionalist East Asian insisted to split most of the times , and when I paid whole at time, she thanked me warmly for the treat - compared to that "Feminist", I find this so ironic.
How does she expect me to take her egalitarian views seriously now?
lol
I'm glad you had a GOOD date with a feminist. There are a lot of good ones out there.
My thing is I'm not into the leftist agenda. So if you want to debate talking points, fine. Just be nice when we hang out. A good person is a good person no matter what the ideology is.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,963
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
I went on a date with a vocal Feminist activist (She's a half Lebanese/SouthAfrican who lived her childhood in England and studies in US), that's the first time ever I date someone who explicitly describes herself as a feminist in her dating profile (because well, feminism isn't that popular here), and many of her interests and activities are related to anti sexism and women matters....nice, good.
So first of all, before Sweetleaf and Co. go for the defense of this woman: She is the one who asked me out today (and hurtloam can confirm that, I showed the screenshot of the actual texting when she asked me out) - she picked the place (which is an expensive place really),- so rest assure jrjones, this is not a troll thread, so basically she is the one who "invited" me.
It was a self-service place, where you pay before dining, so when they billed she said "Do you want to split?" (What a weird question, I mean, shouldn't this be the default for a real feminist? ) but she was holding many stuff in her hand and couldn't open her purse easily so I was like "It's ok, I pay now, we split later", it was around $50, that's about 2.4% of my monthly salary - for a single meal.
She said ok.
But....she didn't do it at the end lol.
She didn't bring it up when we finished, as if she 'forgot it'
At the end, despite me being the invitee, I was the one who paid, like typically the case of a man in dating.
She didn't even thank me for the treat later on in the after date texting, nor brought it out.
While my FWB who's pretty much a traditionalist East Asian insisted to split most of the times , and when I paid whole at time, she thanked me warmly for the treat - compared to that "Feminist", I find this so ironic.
How does she expect me to take her egalitarian views seriously now?
Lol I don't defend things based on the gender of the person doing it...
Anyways, that sounds weird, you'd think if she asked if you want to split it she would have been more proactive about actually splitting it not just making you pay...and 'forgetting' that is rather sh*tty. I have had a bad experience with a woman who calls herself a feminist to...she was my boyfriends room-mate. One time I even heard her complaining about women who choose not to shave their body hair...like WTF, you'd think a feminist would respect that some women don't want to do that.
_________________
We won't go back.
The_Face_of_Boo
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Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,106
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
I went on a date with a vocal Feminist activist (She's a half Lebanese/SouthAfrican who lived her childhood in England and studies in US), that's the first time ever I date someone who explicitly describes herself as a feminist in her dating profile (because well, feminism isn't that popular here), and many of her interests and activities are related to anti sexism and women matters....nice, good.
So first of all, before Sweetleaf and Co. go for the defense of this woman: She is the one who asked me out today (and hurtloam can confirm that, I showed the screenshot of the actual texting when she asked me out) - she picked the place (which is an expensive place really),- so rest assure jrjones, this is not a troll thread, so basically she is the one who "invited" me.
It was a self-service place, where you pay before dining, so when they billed she said "Do you want to split?" (What a weird question, I mean, shouldn't this be the default for a real feminist? ) but she was holding many stuff in her hand and couldn't open her purse easily so I was like "It's ok, I pay now, we split later", it was around $50, that's about 2.4% of my monthly salary - for a single meal.
She said ok.
But....she didn't do it at the end lol.
She didn't bring it up when we finished, as if she 'forgot it'
At the end, despite me being the invitee, I was the one who paid, like typically the case of a man in dating.
She didn't even thank me for the treat later on in the after date texting, nor brought it out.
While my FWB who's pretty much a traditionalist East Asian insisted to split most of the times , and when I paid whole at time, she thanked me warmly for the treat - compared to that "Feminist", I find this so ironic.
How does she expect me to take her egalitarian views seriously now?
Lol I don't defend things based on the gender of the person doing it...
Oh yes you always did here - hence why your earned the title "Venus Warrior"
The question byitself is odd to be asked, especially if you are the one who invited the person.
- you don't just ask "Do you want to split?" - you just pay your part.
Women, if you are dining with female friends, would you ask them about the pay "Do you want to split?" ... wtf. I am sure you just pay your part without attempting to embarassing the other person by asking this confronting question.
The question sounded like a test more than anything.
Honestly it's a big red flag; she also talked about how her ex partners were of the elites class - another big red flag.
Are you feminist btw, Sweetleaf?
Sounds like a spoiled brat. She probably has never reflected on the duties of women that are required if feminism should be something about gender equality, which often is claimed. I wouldn't say it proves that feminism is only about soliciting favors for females, but in this woman's view, it apparently is.
...
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The_Face_of_Boo
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Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,106
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
She messaged me on okc and she sounded smart.
But smartness isn't enough apparently.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,963
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
I went on a date with a vocal Feminist activist (She's a half Lebanese/SouthAfrican who lived her childhood in England and studies in US), that's the first time ever I date someone who explicitly describes herself as a feminist in her dating profile (because well, feminism isn't that popular here), and many of her interests and activities are related to anti sexism and women matters....nice, good.
So first of all, before Sweetleaf and Co. go for the defense of this woman: She is the one who asked me out today (and hurtloam can confirm that, I showed the screenshot of the actual texting when she asked me out) - she picked the place (which is an expensive place really),- so rest assure jrjones, this is not a troll thread, so basically she is the one who "invited" me.
It was a self-service place, where you pay before dining, so when they billed she said "Do you want to split?" (What a weird question, I mean, shouldn't this be the default for a real feminist? ) but she was holding many stuff in her hand and couldn't open her purse easily so I was like "It's ok, I pay now, we split later", it was around $50, that's about 2.4% of my monthly salary - for a single meal.
She said ok.
But....she didn't do it at the end lol.
She didn't bring it up when we finished, as if she 'forgot it'
At the end, despite me being the invitee, I was the one who paid, like typically the case of a man in dating.
She didn't even thank me for the treat later on in the after date texting, nor brought it out.
While my FWB who's pretty much a traditionalist East Asian insisted to split most of the times , and when I paid whole at time, she thanked me warmly for the treat - compared to that "Feminist", I find this so ironic.
How does she expect me to take her egalitarian views seriously now?
Lol I don't defend things based on the gender of the person doing it...
Oh yes you always did here - hence why your earned the title "Venus Warrior"
The question byitself is odd to be asked, especially if you are the one who invited the person.
- you don't just ask "Do you want to split?" - you just pay your part.
Women, if you are dining with female friends, would you ask them about the pay "Do you want to split?" ... wtf. I am sure you just pay your part without attempting to embarassing the other person by asking this confronting question.
The question sounded like a test more than anything.
Honestly it's a big red flag; she also talked about how her ex partners were of the elites class - another big red flag.
Are you feminist btw, Sweetleaf?
lol nope, I only defend things i don't see as being terribly wrong...regardless of gender. As you can see here I didn't defend your date.
Still think what she did was sh*tty over all, though if you invited someone the assumption tends to be you plan to pay. So if the person you invite feels like they should pay half it would make sense to ask if you'd rather split than pay the whole thing....but then they should actually follow through. Not act like they can't get to their wallet, and then just not mention it again the whole evening like they 'forgot' about saying they'd split the bill. That part is sh*tty, but the asking if you wanted to split seems normal...the not following through seems like a huge red-flag and there probably should not be a second date.
Though it may have been a good idea for you to bring up her paying her share at the end of the date when she didn't...it may have been interesting to see what her response to that would have been.
And no I don't really identify as a feminist, but I think there certainly has been value in it as far as women not being treated like second class citizens and/or children you can have sex with anymore. But I certainly don't approve of some feminist activists us v.s them approach or hate towards males in general and wanting them to have lesser rights in the name of feminism. Due to that issue I am not so sure feminism is the most useful gender equality movement at least in the U.S...in some countries were women are still oppressed I could see it being more useful.
_________________
We won't go back.
Last edited by Sweetleaf on 27 Aug 2017, 11:45 am, edited 3 times in total.
I went on a date with a vocal Feminist activist (She's a half Lebanese/SouthAfrican who lived her childhood in England and studies in US), that's the first time ever I date someone who explicitly describes herself as a feminist in her dating profile (because well, feminism isn't that popular here), and many of her interests and activities are related to anti sexism and women matters....nice, good.
So first of all, before Sweetleaf and Co. go for the defense of this woman: She is the one who asked me out today (and hurtloam can confirm that, I showed the screenshot of the actual texting when she asked me out) - she picked the place (which is an expensive place really),- so rest assure jrjones, this is not a troll thread, so basically she is the one who "invited" me.
It was a self-service place, where you pay before dining, so when they billed she said "Do you want to split?" (What a weird question, I mean, shouldn't this be the default for a real feminist? ) but she was holding many stuff in her hand and couldn't open her purse easily so I was like "It's ok, I pay now, we split later", it was around $50, that's about 2.4% of my monthly salary - for a single meal.
She said ok.
But....she didn't do it at the end lol.
She didn't bring it up when we finished, as if she 'forgot it'
At the end, despite me being the invitee, I was the one who paid, like typically the case of a man in dating.
She didn't even thank me for the treat later on in the after date texting, nor brought it out.
While my FWB who's pretty much a traditionalist East Asian insisted to split most of the times , and when I paid whole at time, she thanked me warmly for the treat - compared to that "Feminist", I find this so ironic.
How does she expect me to take her egalitarian views seriously now?
Lol I don't defend things based on the gender of the person doing it...
Oh yes you always did here - hence why your earned the title "Venus Warrior"
The question byitself is odd to be asked, especially if you are the one who invited the person.
- you don't just ask "Do you want to split?" - you just pay your part.
Women, if you are dining with female friends, would you ask them about the pay "Do you want to split?" ... wtf. I am sure you just pay your part without attempting to embarassing the other person by asking this confronting question.
The question sounded like a test more than anything.
Honestly it's a big red flag; she also talked about how her ex partners were of the elites class - another big red flag.
Are you feminist btw, Sweetleaf?
i'd remind her about her share.
That's kind of a predetermined generalization. I don't think you can expect people's reactions based on what the other person has said. I can understand the unfortunate result of people getting mad over and over again, but to make a logical assumption based on interaction is unnecessary. Sweetleaf is just a commentor, and I'm sure we can't predict what other people would think, since we all are human beings sharing a brain unable to predict each other's thoughts; we are not telepathic. Maybe just say what you need to say, and not worry what other people will think, even though what we may say can get other people emotional. Having said that, be careful of what you say, but don't talk like you are walking on eggshells; it's an idiom "walking on eggshells".
"It's ok, I pay now, we split later",
Maybe there was some mis-communication going on here. The way I would have interpreted this was that you were saying you would pay today/this date and implying that you would split the bill on a later, future date. This would explain why she did not address it again during the date, and did not offer her share.
I'm guessing that maybe her asking if you wanted to split the bill stemmed from uncertainty of who pays what/when. Someone who views dating traditionally would probably just expect the man to pay no matter what. I am not a traditionalist when it comes to dating, and have no expectations for the other person to pay for me (and am also uncomfortable with it). But many men still go by that traditional standard, which then makes the whole situation of who pays awkward and confusing, especially if the two people have different expectations, as seems the case for your date. Her asking the question whether or not to split was probably meant to gauge your own views and maybe indicates that she was not just expecting you to pay - which to me seems perfectly in line with a feminist viewpoint. But then your reply was probably understood as an offer to pay for the full date this time as it is the first date, and then split the bill at a potential second date.
Unfortunately romance views rarely align with rational political views. People turn off their rational mind on dates and do what feels right. And of course someone paying for your meal feels right. As a man you should expect to pay for all first dates.
From my personal experience, having had a lot of girlfriends, practical application of feminism is very inconsistent. Typically, the want the full options of feminism and chauvinism at the same time, and choose based on which way the wind blows. Depending on their mood, you may be a jerk for not opening a door, or you may be a degrading abuser for having opened a door. And, the list goes on. As a professional skill, I threw the gentleman/chauvinism thing away a long time ago, and I'm not ashamed to tell a woman so. Plus, you have every right to be financially responsible toward yourself. I'd forget her and move on. If a woman can't pay for her meal or chooses not to, then she has important improvements to make in her life, as opposed to finding a man to ante up on her behalf. I'm almost 62 years-old - in my age group, there are plenty of feminists who lead their life as if lucrative marriage would always be an option. They can put up a good act, due to desperation, but they are still resentful of men. Math is truthful, but hormones lie.
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