Asking out or getting to know someone? What's the right way?

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It seems relationships can either happen through asking out people on dates or getting to know them first. However, there is a lot of conflicting views on this and it confuses me. I've read one side that claims you have to start the relationship off from the get go or you will be "friend zoned". But the other side will claim you need to be friends first because women are "scared of strangers".

Growing up, I had a crush on a certain girl and I was told by my male peers to "Just ask her out, dude!" but I was too afraid of being told no. The only time I did ask her out, I got scared and told her "Just kidding!" when I really wasn't.
I never tried again until later in life. For a long time, I just hoped being nice would make a girl interested in me but that never got me anywhere.

When I was 22 or so, I asked a girl at the gym for her number and she responded "I don't think my boyfriend would like that." so I went back to just trying to be nice but it still didn't work out. At the beginning of this year, I asked a girl who told me she liked manga after bringing some purchases of it to the counter if she wanted to get some coffee. She told me she was "too busy" which was disappointing to say the least.

Just which way is right or should I just shoot my brains out of my skull?

Asking manga girl out for coffee was a smart move. You just need to keep asking more girls is all.

Get to know the person {if the person shares similar interests to you} first on a strictly platonic level, then attempt to ask the person out on a date.

It sucks but friends first is often just playing a long con on yourself. Even if they don't do it intentionally, it's in their nature to make their friendships a one way street if you don't set bounds, and it's in our nature to please them at our expense. If you can get to know them casually and just be cautious about it, maybe you'll learn just enough about them to know where they'd like to go, or if they like you, or if they already are with someone. Even so, no shame in simply asking, you're just making it embarrassing for yourself.

Gosh where are all these dudes who will please me at their expense? They don't really seem to exist.

The thing is Markins. You're going to have to ask the girl out eventually.

The ones you've befriended. Did you ever make a move, did you tell them you wanted to be more than friends once you got to know them better or did you expect her to do the asking and she never did?

Well, looking back at atleast all the ones in school, they were only acquaintances. I saw them at school but never hung out with them outside it. Some of them already had boyfriends and I hoped maybe when they broke up with the boyfriends they would look my way. Too much wishing, no action. It's a bitter pill I eventually had to swallow.

I talked to a girl through AIM and I actually hoped we would meet some day; I even visualized what our life could've been like. But she kept getting new boyfriends and only saw me as someone to occasionally talk to online but eventually started to ignore me. Being ignored by her and her finally cutting me off was one of the factors in the depression I suffer from. I no longer hold any hard feelings for her since she wasn't even in my physical life and it all happened ten years ago but other things took her place.

The only one I befriended (back in 2010) was already in polyamorous relationships with other people but it wasn't big enough to include me and she exploited me for money as well as my car.

Seems to me it has a lot more to do with what sort of girls you like than "what's the best way". I've heard success stories with both approaches. Seems quieter girls prefer friendship first. One might argue modern internet dating has everyone leaning more towards the straight-to-dating approach.

That said, you probably shouldn't take my word for any of it, I've failed miserable with both strategies

Both of them are views of the NT world, but there is a lot of relevance of not scaring women off and especially shy NDs. It is correct that you avoid scaring women by not cold-approaching and asking out, but being friends instead is not the only alternative. You can stay as acquaintances instead and let her get used to you being around her, gradually moving it forward in small steps.



I never was that stupid (sorry for the word usage, it was meant for your peers), and consequently, it went on for years without being an official relationship. Something I was fully content with.



Being nice only will not get you anywhere. You need to solicit interest from girls too, and you should give it up if they don't reciprocate.

No, he doesn't, but he needs to actively try to catch her persistent interest. Being nice only doesn't work.

Given that she either was caught by surprise or wasn't interested at all, it was a lousy move. Next time he should make sure the girl is prepared & interested first. Simply put, he did lousy research before making that move. Or he blew his chance with somebody that might be interested when he decided to cold-approach her.

I had talked to her a couple of times prior to asking her out. I don't know if that's still cold approaching or not.

Please also keep in mind that I live in the Bible Belt. People who share my interests are practically a critically endangered species.

Rdos was unaware of that, but I remember when you first posted about her. I rememer encouraging you to go for it.

What you did wasn't a cold approach. I think you did everything right. There's never a guarantee that just being nice, smiling, being a good listener, etc. will automatically get you a date. It's just what is it people do who actually GET dates? I'm not a fan of the cold approach. MOST people have some kind of inside track to getting dates, so they pretty much already know she'll say yes. Being well-acquainted with someone is a good start. If you have someone who trusts you and feels comfortable around you, it's as simple as just asking.

I like Angelrho's strategy of starting with a large pool and gradually narrowing it down (go read some of his posts; i think he posted it at least twice). Don't get attached too soon and accept rejection. Eventually you'll find someone.

I just hate how my 20's will most likely end with me single. I feel like what should've been my best years are already gone.

Nah your 20s is like an extension of teenage years. You have more experience and maturity in your 30s. I don't mean dating experience I mean life experience. There's a lot of good things about being in your 30s.

I have yet to experience good things in my 30's....

Personally I'd prefer to be friends with someone then date them or get to know them well enough we have things in common, which is hard due to limited interests on my side.