How to end a 'relationship'?

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Hi,

I've been in a relationship for a pretty long time and I just can't do it anymore. I hate it. My depression is terrible, I'm made to feel like he is constantly having to make concessions to put up with me and I feel so worthless.

I want to end it, but how do I do this without looking ungrateful or like the cruel one?

I just can't cope anymore. I certainly won't have any relationships after this. I'd never put myself through this again. Loneliness is better!


Thanks for reading. Any advice would be much appreciated.

You said "I'm made to feel"..... If you don't mind my asking, what kinds of things, is saying to you?

Also, you DON'T HAVE TO feel grateful, to ANYONE? Did he give birth, to you----NO!! You could send him, an email----something like: "I can't take it, anymore, and am breaking-up with you". You (and others) may think that's callous, but your Mental Health, is more important!!

No don't send an email. That would be callous. Especially after a long relationship. Do it in person.

I agree that it should be done in person. Try to explain your feelings. Of course, it is impossible not to upset him, but if you do everything in a proper way, you can stay friends. As for "Loneliness is better", it is not true. You need time and you need to meet YOUR person.

I totally get why you guys think she should do it, in-person----and, normally, I'd agree with you----but, there was a reason why I asked her, what kinds of things, he was saying, cuz if he's manipulating her, into feeling like dookey, I would suggest that she does NOT get rid of him, in-person; because, she stands the chance, of him manipulating her, AGAIN (IF, that's what he's doing).

Y'all, hold my beer. I got this. [Stretches fingers, cracks knuckles]

It's real simple. There's a way to handle this with finesse.

First of all, plan a date. This is THE date, literally the date to end all dates. You have to take the initiative here, that's important. You're paying.

This has to be a very special place. A place that is going to be very public and yet gives you some sense of intimacy. Like a park or a zoo. It needs to be some place meaningful, like where you first met, first kissed, first became "official," whatever. But whatever or where ever, it has to be a place where you can spend the better part of an afternoon. A restaurant or movie theater won't do.

Anyway, you need to be in a position where YOU are in charge of transportation. You drive and pick him up or insist on meeting there and arriving seperately. You control this situation. That's important.

But you've got to set this thing up right or it's gonna be ugly. You may get together earlier in the morning and do something fun. Treat him to lunch somewhere nice. Saturdays are ideal breakup days, with Sundays second best. Then go to the park or zoo or skating rink or bowling or whatever. I highly recommend some place that either has or is in close proximity to ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better.

But you end up on a bench together with your sweet, cold treat. This really needs to be mid-afternoon. 3-ish. And you think about some good things about your relationship. Smile a lot.

THAT is when you drop the bomb. Don't be mean. Just be straightforward. "I don't feel this is working out, and it's time we each go our own way. Thank you for the times we had. I know you'll find the perfect one for you!"

Don't put this off until early evening. There will be crying, screaming, begging, hate and anger. He may be understanding, he may try to emotionally punish you for it, or anything in between. Be prepared for that. Don't let him talk you out of it, don't give him a second chance. Don't let anything he says, good OR bad, faze you in the least. DO let him take as much time as he needs. And if he gets over the top abusive about it, just walk away. If not, hugs and a last kiss are acceptable. In ANY case, it's done and over by sunset.

Remember, it's all in the setup. Be strong. Be brave. And when it's over, be GONE.

Do NOT answer his phone calls. Do NOT answer texts, emails, social media messages, etc. If you need to exchange stuff, it's best you have a mutual friend present or to just do the work for you. I told my ex fiancée to just keep the ring, maybe take it back to the pawn shop for all I care. lol ok, we ended badly. You can do better than that, I'm sure.

Best of luck to you. I'm very sorry you're going through this. Keep us posted on how it goes!

No Angelrho. Why would you go to all that effort if you are already really unhappy around a person.

Plus if you're driving. It's going to be an awkward journey taking them back to their apartment to stop them off.

Just meet somewhere neutral. In public. Both make your own way there. And say what Angelrho suggested.

A lovely date. it's building them up for an even bigger crash. And is crueller than an email.

Actually I see campincat's point. A manipulative person would be difficult to break up face to face. They twist things round and make you feel like you're doing the wrong thing and make you give in.

It's well worth the effort. Breaking up like that takes everything about the relationship and puts it in a positive light. So when it's finished, it's finished on a high note. You bring everything full circle so that the last memory you have before you drop the bomb was how wonderful that day was.

Then you nuke it. You don't JUST nuke it. You stick around to make sure the nuke did its job. You personally oversee the flames and the collateral damage while keeping a safe enough distance that either you don't get burned or you keep your own injuries to a minimum.

This part takes time. Could take minutes, could take hours. He might take it well and want to go straight home, or he might fight you on it. YOU dropped the bomb, now you have to own it. But no matter what happens, if it takes 3 or 4 hours, you get out of there by sunset. Sunset is entirely arbitrary, I mean, you decide how to handle that. Sunset is a physical marker and carries a lot of symbolic meaning. Though I really advise against this, you COULD spend the night one last time, leave, and never come back as long as he knows what you're doing. Get lucky and you can sneak out while he's still asleep. But I think you're setting yourself up for other kinds of problems if you do it that way. One last sunset and you're good.

Hurtloam, mostly what I attempt to do is maintain a moral high ground. Dumping and just leaving, EVEN IF the guy or girl is a jerk, is downright low. You might as well leave him for his best friend. You might as well have been cheating on him the whole time. Go the extra mile, even if he doesn't deserve it, bring the relationship full circle, give both of you some sense of closure.

Trust me, if she makes this a wonderful day that's all about him when things have not been going well, he's going to know it's coming. He's going to either be thinking that things are about to get radically better or that the bomb has been dropped and he's just waiting for it to blow. And even if it's the former and catches him by surprise, once the blast wave reaches ground zero, all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and the whole will start to make sense.

Breaking up is a horrible, dirty piece of business. You owe it to yourself to make this date the best it can be. Because it's the last one.

This also has a number of advantages. It keeps you from being "THAT girl" who dumps guys over the phone or ghosts. He'll have more respect for you for your courage, even if it doesn't show right away.

But the most important bit is severing all contact for a while. For a breakup to be effective, you have to actually BREAK UP. I made this mistake with my ex-fiancée by allowing us to become FWB. She went around my friends telling everyone we were getting back together. The she started interfering when I started dating again. I actually came close to calling the cops on her because things got so out of hand. To me, ignoring attempts to reconnect or to shift the blame are the hardest to resist, but the best way to stay in contact with an ex is not at all. Give everyone time to move on. IF after a year you CAN catch up on friendly terms, that's okay, but you still have to maintain that distance. My wife DID end up calling the cops on her ex because he just wouldn't leave her alone. You try to avoid that if you can. Some guys just won't accept it, but I think it's important that at least you try. Taking a whole day to break up will accomplish the finality you need, give you all the necessary time for tears and all that. Beyond that there is no "let's talk about this." Talking is done. Time to move on.

I dunno. I really think it would hurt me more to be given a wonderful day only to have it ruined. It would make the day feel hollow and a lie to me.

I don't know how someone can pretend everything is ok for a day knowing fine well they're going to break up later in the day.

That seems more sneaky and low that just meeting up to tell the truth.

Like here's a beautiful rug, stand on it and feel how soft it is between your toes. Now let me pull it out from under you and let you bruise your coxcix on the floor.

I guess it depends on the People involved.

Yeah, but you're gonna hurt 'em ANYWAY. You can choose to do it with grace, courage, and finesse, or you can simply ghost 'em. Either is effective. So you choose whether you are a good person who gives everyone better than they deserve, or whether you're cold and heartless.

Oh, and I'm not ignoring the fact that sometimes ghosting can be the only way out. I just prefer to think of that as an absolute last resort when things are beyond bad. It's a "final solution," one we hope we aren't forced to use.

There's an inbetween place that is neither an elaborate show nor ghosting.

Just arranging to meet the person and sit down for a mature face to face conversation is what most people do.

Of course there's an in-between place. But a mature f2f conversation without at least acknowledging there was a relationship is still pretty cold. If you can do better than that, you should.

And it doesn't HAVE to be elaborate. Just spend the day together and connect it with something that was meaningful at one time. It's not complicated. Just close the circle, clean up the mess if any as best you can, and move on. Liberal use of ice cream always helps.

The "mature f2f" is just too cold.

If the partner is abusive, insane, cusses your mom, dangerous, or anything like that, then, yeah, make a quick, clean getaway. Ghost 'em. But that's your last resort. That's fear-for-your-life bad. I hate to think most relationships are like that. The "mature f2f" is you've been fighting for the last 2 weeks and setting up a proper break-up date isn't going to happen because he won't allow you that level of control. Most of the time you should be able to set up something nice.

I can understand where AngelRho is coming from, but it kind of feels like a bait and switch to me. Giving someone who cares about you a special day could make them think you're recommitting to them only to have you drop that bomb and shatter their reality. It seems quite cruel to me.

Admittedly I can't really think of many alternatives.

No, this doesn't sound-like a good idea, to me.

First-of-all, NO WAY should she pick him, up----then she has to put-up-with taking him home, after she's dumped him; SEPARATE cars, all-the-way.

Secondly, why go-through the expense of lunch and bowling, or whatever, and then break-up with somebody? (I've seen your subsequent posts, but I still don't agree.) I feel, with this "nice date thing", she'll run the risk of NOT wanting to break-up with him, herself!!

The only things I agree-with, in your post, is that it's better in public, and it's better in the day-time.

I agree with hurtloam, in that I think I'd be hurt, MORE, with a "scheme", like this----and, if he's some kind of psychopath, or something, what if he became violent, because he had been duped? I mean, yeah, she'll have being in public, on her side----but, that doesn't ALWAYS mean, "safe".

I also agree with Sabreclaw, in that it's a "bait and switch", and cruel. Who CARES if the guy respects you, because you broke-up with him in, like, a "classy" way, or whatever? If he's a narcissist, for instance, it won't matter ONE speck, how you broke-up with him----he's STILL gonna bad-mouth you; and, I would think if you were NICE to him, he'd do it, even MORE, because he'd feel SCREWED-over, even more!! One only needs to respect THEMSELVES----NO need, for anyone else's approval----and, if one thinks they should do it, face-to-face, well, then.....

A bait and switch happens when someone promises one thing from the outset and then pulls the rug out. I actually know someone who married this guy who made a big deal about waiting for marriage to have sex. They got married and he never touched her after that.

A date, on the other hand, is just that: a date. You can't assume anything is promised or implied. It's just another day.

For a woman, the separate vehicles thing is likely best. Ask a guy to meet you somewhere and you refuse his offer to pick you up, he's gonna know something is going down. But calling him up and saying, "hi, meet me at the park so I can break up with you," tipping your hand, is not going to make it any easier. Take control, enjoy as much of the day as you possibly can, all things considered, and get your freedom back.

Why always assume the worst?

The other stuff I already covered. If he really IS a dangerous psychopath, then don't bother. Pass go and collect $200. Ghost him.

I prefer keeping control and moral higher ground at ALL times. Be patient throughout the process. Do NOT allow contact afterwards.

And I already mentioned keeping your resolve. You have decided already break up. Go through with it no matter what.

Now for a little confession: I'm a guy who has NEVER taken splitting easy. Well, I dunno...maybe 4 or 5 times, I can't recall. But most of the time I had a difficult time of it. The only thing that was the most effective was either the girl cutting all contact after the official breakup or I just exhausted myself of pining over her. The least you can do is make the effort to bring things full circle. And if you've made it CLEAR there "is no us," you owe him nothing else.