Aspires and NT relationship issues

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So I was involved in a long thread on here started by someone looking for support in coping with the emotional effects of her marriage to an aspie man

During the conversation there were a lot of disputes between ND and NT in u derstanding what the issues may be. I am going to give you an example from today and see if you are able to understand a little better the NT view of friendship or love.

So today I had my first piece of art exhibited in a small local art house. Exciting for me, and many of my friends were really pleased and excited for me. In fact so excited that 3 of them took time off work or out of their day to come to the art house to see the art piece in its new place and we had coffee, took photos and chatted.

My aspie friend knows my piece of art, and he knows what was happening today. When I saw him on Monday he said he hoped everything went well. However today I have heard nothing. Not a text, no comment on the group photos on Facebook ( and yes I know he has seen them because he has posted his own things today), no best wishes or we'll done you comments.

Anyway all ok. I now know this is just his way. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.

However previously I would have been upset thinking he was being selfish
or unfeeling. After all I do a huge amount for him and always support him in his ventures. I would have probably sent a text asking why he hadn't wished me luck or so,thing similar. He would have felt either pressurised or annoyed with himself for not thinking of it and would have probably replied abruptly. This would have increased my feeling that he didn't give a shite and would end with us both being upset or pissed off with each other.

I have learnt that he wished me luck already and wouldn't feel the need to do it again. That he is busy doing his own stuff today and is totally engrossed in that. . . ..

However it takes quite a lot of willpower to not take it personally and see it as a reflection in f how much he values our friendship.

Discuss . .. . .. . .


(While I hide behind the sofa!)

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When I saw him on Monday he said he hoped everything went well.
...
I have learnt that he wished me luck already and wouldn't feel the need to do it again.
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That's pretty much your answer right there ^^

Not looking for answers just trying to explain how an NT often feels. As i said I get it now but many don't, and many aspies are trying to understand what an NT person is thinking

Oh and just remembered when he had his first exhibition this summer I turned up with a bottle of whisky and a card to congratulate him . .. . .. see very different levels of effort thinking about the other person, what they are doing, and what they may like. This is the main difference. I'm not sayings it's a fault but it is a difference that causes the majority of the problems aspies experience in their socialising

One of my friends once told me:
"So, for now, the only friends that remained are those who don't consider not speaking to each other for 2 years an end of a friendship"
Good luck there were some... probably not NT.

Hey that's a nice sofa! Can I sit on it and chat? I'm autistic by the way.

All seriousness though, I'm not really surprised that happened in the discussion. It's hard to separate emotion from logic, and NT's trying to understand autistics is a big emotional topic. Thing is many autistic people get shut out by NTs and when some meet the ones that try to understand they lash out at them(being rejected does take it's toll.)

Sad fact(but true) your post alone is more than what any NT(that I have met so far) has done for me in trying to understand my autism. I could use some of that.

Now as far as your friend goes there could be many reasons he reacted the way he did to the experience.

1.He could have been happy for you and had no idea how to express it.

2.He could have expressed things in the past before and it was ignored so he felt that whether he expressed his feelings or not didn't matter

3.Do to lack of social skills he doesn't know what expressions and words to use in said situation.

4.He could be depressed or was in a bad mood during that time and never said anything.

5.Powerful emotions may over-stimulate him and make him uncomfortable.

Those could be some reasons as to his reaction to the news. I do understand your side, you probably felt lonely and empty and felt your accomplishments didn't matter. I know that even if you learn about a person it may ease the pain but it doesn't go away.

Shuffles along and plumps up cushions . .. . Sit yourself down . . . .

I think emotions make him uncomfortable . .. . . He offers praise left right and centre for people he doesn't feel so much for I've noticed. For me less so. I'm not sure if he just expects me to know what he feels and thinks, or whether it embarrasses him to feel for me so he doesn't like to express it.

It is ok. I do understand and I won't mention it because I don't want him to feel he has done something wrong. However .. . . .yes there is a little bit of me that would love him to have sent a card or even a message to say "well done"

So I'm actually kind of confused, what are we suppose to be discussing exactly? Autism and NTs in general?

Sounds like more of s relationship thing to do. Do you maybe love this guy and want a relationship with him?

Non of my friends go to each other's events, though. Non of us are artists. My friends didn't for example come to my college graduation. Nor did they congratulate me or wish me luck. Those are things a gf would have done and I'd do for a gf though.
We do post happy birthday on each other's Facebook son our birthdays I gues but that's about it.

I get the feeling you desire more from him while maybe he just sees yiu as a friend. That or women friendships are different then male ones. Men don't do that kind of stuff for their friends.

If a female friend showed up alone with whisky and a card I'd think she's into me romantically.

I can tell yiu what issues yiu shared are things I'd do in a relationship for my gf but I wouldn't do them for friends.

We are discussing why NTs find friendships or relationships with NDs problematic.

I am just trying to show what seems strange to me in a close friendship and looking forward to hearing others perspectives.

However people seem to keep getting caught up in the idea that I am presenting this as a problem. I am not. Simply using an example to show how NTs feelings get hurt and autistic folk have no idea why. . ..

And Sly this is very normal in my circle of friends, as I said 3 of my friends came along today, and I have since had messages from 2 others saying they wish I had let them know because they would have been there too.

My friend couldn't have come he is busy I know that. To me however it still feels a little strange that he didn't text me today to say good luck or well done.
And no I have no wish for anything more than we have but we are very good friends who do quite a lot of things together.

https://www.facebook.com/vtdotco/videos/1526563104152193/

Are those three friends female or male?
I'm just trying to understand

Isn't nts getting hurt a problem? I'd feel terrible hurting someone I care for.

It's not a problem so much now. I've got used to it just being his way.

I don't think we have different expectations.

I have asked him clearly if he wants our friendship as it is. . .. . He is adamant he does want me in his life.

He tells me that he loves me. .. . (As friends I'm sure)

And the other friends are male and female

It feels like the more sure he is of me, and the more he trusts me the less he needs to communicate . . .. is this a possibility.

It often feels like he expects me to know what he is thinking without saying anything

??