Approaching women in public places

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Hello! I am currently a 26 year old guy, and I have recently decided that I am going to try to put in all the effort I can to solve my fairly long-term dating woes lol. It's always been my ultimate goal in life to eventually get married and start a family, but I realize that if I don't get started soon that may end up never happening. So that said, I'm trying a few things that I previously hadn't really considered before. So far I have signed up with a dating site, although I haven't had any luck with it yet (I don't consider myself to have very high standards, but it seems like 90% of the women on those either have multiple kids/divorces under their belts or are morbidly obese!)

However one thing I have never really considered is meeting people in public. I know that in pretty much every dating "how to" guide I've read, it recommends meeting people at like the library, coffee shop, grocery store, etc. However, I have absolutely no idea how that would even work! Like say you're browsing the aisles at the grocery store and a fellow customer catches your eye...what do you say or do? "Hey, I love feta cheese too! Wanna make out??" (obviously I'm joking and exaggerating a lot here but really I have no idea!!)

Approaching total strangers in those kinds of places just seems in a way almost rude, maybe even creepy, to me, but I'm sure I see things a bit differently than many people. I guess that one of the main things that makes it hard for me to imagine is that I have never actually seen any women being approached. I do have Asperger's if you couldn't guess by my being on this forum, and honestly I have learned the vast majority of my social skills through observing how other people in my life interact with each other, and trying to adapt similar social behaviors myself. However, when it comes to dating and relationships, it's not exactly something you can observe from the sidelines so I really feel I'm kind of left in the dark in many respects.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm the same age as you, and I have the same hesitance about approaching total strangers. I suppose my hang-up is, generally I'm a very goal-oriented person. When I go someplace out in public, I'm usually focused on doing what I have to do-- like, when I go to the grocery store, I'm focused on getting everything on my shopping list, and not really on the store or the people around me. When I get into that focused mindset, anything that detracts from getting my task completed tends to annoy me. And since I have ToM issues, I tend to extrapolate that to other people, and assume I'd just be annoying them if I approached them.

There does, however, seem to be a certain few specific public places where NTs appear to have an unspoken relaxed attitude about approaches from total strangers. These are mostly places where socializing is the primary objective, whether it is tacitly stated or not. These include coffee shops, bars and clubs, and parties. This can be daunting for Aspies who've got problems with hypersensitivity and sensory filtering because they're often very crowded, very noisy, and filled with lots of different distractions. Still, I think you're more likely to have success meeting people at a place like that than at a store where people are focused on their purchases or a library where people are trying to focus on studies (which isn't to say it couldn't happen there either, of course). Context seems to count for a lot when it comes to socializing. If those places are just too difficult to be around because of the sensory issues, try parks or beaches.

Also, of course, you shouldn't expect to approach people without getting a couple rebuffs, no matter where you are. It just isn't realistic. You just have to let them roll off you without taking them too personally. Think of it this way: if someone snubs you, it's their loss for not recognizing a golden opportunity to get to know you. Just push it aside and try again. Eventually, someone's going to say "yes".

Last edited by Chevand on 19 May 2012, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Being able to generate a conversation that relates to something that is currently happening is the trick. You need a bit of inspiration. That's why it's rare in daily life.

It's much easier to do if you are engaged in a joint activity of some sort. The topic is already there.

Possibly you can use that to your advantage, that anyone you talk with done with a light touch in the course of this other activity.

I'd say keep it simple and straightforward. Don't use a "line" like in a Hollywood movie. And usually it's just a little pleasant conversation, which adds to the outing in a positive way. Sometimes it's more. The more is a gift and probably has more to do with where they are than with the topic or opening you use.

Right, no lines at all. That doesnt develop your ability to think on your feet. I'm very good with walking up and starting a conversation with women.. if we are involved in a related activity or if there is some easy opening of some sort. Doesnt bother me at all. But I need a context.

I don't think the supermarket is the place for the OP. Try a class, outdoor activity, a vacation, or a quieter socializing place with low traffic.

I don't recommend lurking about in libraries etc. trying to pull women. I don't recommend going on the pull at all. Nothing wrong with trying to increase the number of women or people you meet during your everyday life, and nothing wrong with being sociable in libraries etc., to either gender, getting used to striking up a brief conversation.

I don't usually start conversations with strangers in public, but one lady started one with me recently while I was buying nicotine gum. She asked me if I thought the stuff worked. I said yes, it helps, and asked her how many fags a day she smoked.....I remember we had a bit of eye contact, and me not knowing how much was appropriate.....I liked her face and was probably smiling a bit, but nothing out of the ordinary. We carried on discussing stopping smoking for a short while, and as she walked away she joked "you should get your wife to sew your mouth up." I hadn't been lecturing her or anything. It had been very 2-way.

I hadn't mentioned my estranged wife - the conversation only lasted a minute or two and I was focussing on the subject - so she must have noticed my ring. I didn't notice if she had one or not, because I thought it was all about nicotine gum. I mean I don't even see any elegant way of swapping phone numbers on the strength of a 2-minute encounter, and we'd likely never be meeting again, so why see it as anything to do with romance? Must have been NT, to be as sharp as that. So adept at taking the lead too. And it proves that something of interest goes on in these places that has nothing to do with choosing gum.

She may very well have been interested or genuinely curious about nicotine gum,maybe she saw your ring after talking and felt it wasn't in the cards.

I'd suggest you start with parks and public walks as they are in a more relaxed environment and they won't affect you if you have sensory overload issues. To be honest, I think the best thing is for to also join a class or group where you can get to know people instead of letting everything rely on a first impression.

I strongly Recommend you go and learn from the following: (www.thelss.com/forum) these people know their stuff inside out and will happily pass on their knowledge to you and will teach you what you need to know this group is based in London but anyone can join plus theirs groups of theirs all over the world. these people will give you the right foundation and encouragement and helpfulness to learn and build yourself as a person. I personally have Aspergers Syndrome I was diagnosed at 10. I am 21 I go out with my wing man Pesotan and we approach lots of women and open the sets in bars, clubs, street and underground game we have no fear and walk in and engage groups of 6-20 women no problems both of us have Aspergers Syndrome and are very confident around women. We previously had a lot of issues with women and struggled but we getting very good now.

you can see examples of the stuff we do at www.onestepbeyondas.com which is my self hosted WordPress blog where I blog about the stuff we do approaching women if you ever wanted to join us and work with us we would happily welcome you to come and work with us.

I'm sure her interest in the gum was real. As for her interest in me, well in hindsight, she probably didn't really need a stranger's opinion about nicotine gum, so my appearance can't have creeped her out that much or she'd never have approached me. I engaged with her chosen subject willingly and without lecturing, and increased the intimacy slightly by asking about her rather than about gum (how many fags do you smoke?).........also I had the hots for a lady at the time, so was possibly sending out pheremones, and my head was so full of her that I felt quite relaxed talking with this new lady, because I wasn't looking for a relationship with anybody else but the one I loved. And I can be very genial when doing the one-to-one thing........very often I'm just stuck for anything to say, but it's not uncommon for me to quite suddenly connect with a new person, and in no time we'll be talking to each other as if we've known each other for years.

If she'd felt nothing for me, it seems odd that she would bother to mention my wife at all. Her joke was gently reproachful, in effect rebuking me for talking to her.....and if she had seen our conversation as purely platonic, the joke wouldn't have made sense. So she was at least mindful of some kind of sexual awareness going on between the lines. In short, her remark was a minor flirt. I think she'd been checking me out and decided that my ring made me too dangerous.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I'd been interested in her, and ten times more alert to social cues than I'll ever be, I could have simply replied "I'll tell her that if I ever see her again." I could have got behind her quick in the queue, continued the conversation, then "do you shop in town every Saturday?" - I'd never think that quickly in real life. Even online after all this time to think, I can't think of much to say that would have increased the chances of our meeting again. Given her outgoing nature, she'd probably have helped me out with that if she'd still been interested. But it's hard to see any way we could have jumped from that short meeting to a longer conversation where we could have really weighed each other up.......asking for a date seems a rude leap from the seemingly mundane exchange we'd had, and there wasn't much time to discover common interests that might have led to an invitation to an event. Main thing is (I think), don't see it as a serious matter of hunting or seduction, because without the help of the so-called "prey," you'll not catch a thing. It's a completely different paradigm. Girl-hunting guides forget to mention that they ultimately fail because relationships are MUTUAL.

That looks amazing. I'm sure it can be done. Probably a much more efficient way of learning than going out on a limb, solo. I'm sure any Aspie who took an interest in learning the art of conversation could work wonders on their social confidence. Do you ever get anybody who screws up and leaves?

I wouldn't approach random women in public places. It's just odd.

Tru dat. I resisted posting, but this thread isn't as entertaining as it could be, so kudos for killing it.
In saying that, I find flashing in a worn mac type coat works while screaming I AM PURE OF HEART. Works a treat.

Last edited by ZX_SpectrumDisorder on 20 May 2012, 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

I thought my posts were quite entertaining in parts. I won't bother telling you how to amuse women in a lift with an elephant impression. Your loss.

ahah. Also, if she noticed your ring... she was looking for it.