Getting a Girlfriend Seems Too Far Away

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Every year passing by just seems to taunt me with an extra digit to add to my age as a relationshipless virgin. In all seriousness, I probably can't be a very good relationship partner as an unemployed depressed guy living with his mum, but acknowledging this doesn't help me with the overpowering desires I have for affection, and the depression that comes with knowing that any kind of validation from the opposite sex probably won't be in the cards until I get a stable job and fix my weight/posture issues, and even then, there's no guarantee my love life will become any more fulfilling.

Having already starved romantically more than most, I'm really struggling with the devising and execution of a long-term plan that will help me move forward, as well as mustering up the motivation to see it through when there won't be many benefits in the short-term, and it's going to feel like work.

I guess I'm finding it difficult to bother getting up and working out when I know that at the end of the day, I'm still going to be anxious about my employment situation and depressed about my romantic situation. The only thing that will change in the short term is on top of dealing with the depression, I'll also have to do something I don't enjoy in hopes of maybe one day overcoming the most major source of my depression, AND I'll have to cut down on junk food, which I consume to help me cope with my circumstances, so now I'm going to have a harder time coping too.

And even if I do manage to lose the weight and fix the posture, I'm still unemployed, and when I do finally get a job, I'll probably need to start off with something casual, which probably won't be good enough for me to be able to get a relationship.

There doesn't seem to be a winning solution here. I've got a long way to go, minimal motivation to take the trip, little faith that I'll reach my destination and no desire to persevere through and deal with my depression for as long as it's going to take for me to get my life together. I'm really starting to wonder if it's even worth trying anymore, or whether I'm better off just giving up and ending it all.

It seems like there's just too much to do before I have any chance of feeling better about myself

I didn’t have consensual sex until I was 24 if that makes you feel any better.

The winning solution is working on yourself.

You can’t build a magnificent castle without placing the first brick. If you feel like you’re running out of time, then start now. There is no better time to take the first steps.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 29 Oct 2017, 4:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

Good news is that you're still very young; in some countries 21 is barely an adult after all. You have time.

So your biggest problems at the moment, aside from not having a girlfriend, are overweight, being unemployed and the fact that you still live with your mom, right? Those may seem like very big issues that are hard to solve, but they are fixable.

I'd say that you should push aside the thing about your living arrangments for now; you can think about moving out after getting a job and actually affording it. Focus on the job and health issues first.

Of course fixing things will feel like work because in a way it is. True, there probably won't be many, if any, benefits immediately, but if you want things to change you have to start from somewhere. Just start with little things, like cutting down the amount of junk food you eat. I know this can be hard; sometimes I eat because of stress too, but I eat candies and cookies instead of junk food. I was able to cut it down bit by bit, so why wouldn't you be able to do so? If you lack motivation to do it then how about reminding yourself that the less junk food you eat the more money you save? Of course, this doesn't work if your mom pays for everything but if you have to pay them on your own then it could work. You could also try to replace the junk food you eat because of stress with something healthier... or you could try to make sure that there won't be any junk food in the house when you need it, so you can't eat it. I know from experience that it'll be very frustrating at first (was for me at least), but it'll get easier little by little. Of course, for any of this to work you'll need motivation and you did say that that is what you lack... so let's make a little list of the benefits of trying to eat healthier (and possibly working out more, too)
- If you eat less junk food and exercise more, you will get healthier and lose weight in long term.
- Not eating so much junk food will save money.
- If you do manage to drop weight it could help your self esteem and make you be less drepressed.
- You might even get a job easier if you're not overweight; when it comes to job interviews the first impression counts and over weight doesn't usually give a good impression.
- It's the same with girls. Even if you can charm a girl with your personality she is more likely to give you a chance if she finds you atractive.

And of course don't stop trying to find a girl while doing these things; you might succeed being the way you are now, too. Make sure to go to places where you could meet and become friends with people your age, in other words put in the effort. I know it doesn't sound too appealing since it doesn't quarantee succes, but nothing does.

I hope this helps and that it didn't sound too harsh.

Make sure to go for a STEM field, such as engineering or IT or even medical science, something that will make employers wanting you instead of the other way around.

All the male engineers and doctors I know got married young.

I noticed on another thread you said you like skinny girls. You have to think of what you can offer them that other guys can’t. There is a lot of male competition for skinny girls. You need to be realistic or accept you may not get the people you want if you’re overweight and have posture problems.

While I agree he can't expect to attract skinng girls while he's overweight but...

Why it's always about what a guy can "offer"?

What else could it be about? In order for a person to choose you over someone else there has to be something about you that makes you a better choice than other people to that one person. That something is the thing you "offer." It can be your good looks, it can be financial security or it can be your personality. The point is that there has to be something about you that attracts the other person to you and makes him/her want to be by your side.

My opinion here is that you need to step backwards slightly in your thinking. There is nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend, wanting to be fit and healthy, wanting to get a job or any of the other things that you feel you are lacking. Wanting to improve yourself is completely normal, and an admirable position to start with.

If at all possible, I think it would probably be worth-while trying to find a counsellor to discuss these issues with as, through face-to-face discussion, they will have a much better idea of your current position, wants and needs (remember that there is a difference between a counsellor and a psychiatrist: A counsellor will help you discuss any life problems and help you try to find a solution. A psychiatrist will identify what condition you are likely to have and direct you to a suitable counsellor/prescribe medication).

In the mean-time, one book that was helpful to me was Living Well on the Spectrum. This has some ideas on how you might identify what you feel might be preventing you from pursuing what you want and how you might go about changing this.

Obviously, a book alone isn't going to solve all of your issues, and it's certainly not going to do anything at all unless you actually complete the exercises it identifies within. The key thing is:

Please believe me when I say that things will get better, and that the first step here is the most difficult.

....

Last edited by sly279 on 29 Oct 2017, 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Do you have any kind of income or resources that help you out like Welfare, SSI ect
I was unemployed living with my parents & on Social Security Disability before I got my current girlfriend. She's also disabled & has emotional issues like depression & anxiety which I've been through before. I'm very emotionally supportive within a relationship(or at least try to be) & she was wanting a guy like that. I met her on this forum, she messaged me after reading a lot of my post about want I wanted in a relationship, partner & the way I am within a relationship & have to offer a partner. I moved from Louisiana to Vermont to be with her partly because I felt trapped living with my parents. She has a Section 8 housing voucher which pays most of her rent along with SSI & some other benefits so we get by financially. Perhaps you could try looking for a girl who's also disabled & would appreciate you for trying to be the best partner you can be for her. Someone disabled might be a lot more understanding & accepting of your situation since she could sympathize more & she might not be able to afford being too picky with her requirements.

If he’s overweight and has posture problems, he’s going to have to offer something like an amazing personality to make skinny girls consider him over guys without those problems.

It’s not just guys, either. Girls have to offer something too. Guys can and do reject them if they don’t offer what they want. Unfortunately some men are just so desperate they don’t really care, a hole is a hole.

There are desperate women, but they appear to be in a much lower quantity. It really stems down to the biological urge that guys on average are wanting more sex than women, which leads to an endless thirst for women. Also, less women seem to care about getting married these days, as they’re not as oppressed and function perfectly fine on their own. The movement away from men “owning” women, and women needing a mans support and protection less in western culture probably plays a part.

Take me for example. I’m completely independent, so needing a man is such a low priority that I can be super picky and it doesn’t matter. Because who cares if I’m single forever? Not me.

Same with girls from rich (Western) countries. They are highly sought after from international men for some reason, god knows why, they all seem to love pale skin and blonde hair. Could it mean a ticket out of poverty? Maybe. A white girl could easily get an international man by offering very little. That also adds to the competition pool if you’re trying to date women in rich countries.

^ Ha... on which planet do you live, I don't know any eastern man who got out of poverty by marrying a rich or even a regular western woman.

The only men I know who married western women are all well off men.

My uncle for example who have been living in Australia for more like 30 years there married a British lady - but he was CFO and now is a senior Auditor accountant while she remained a housewive most of the time (and he has no problem for letting her work) - he got his citenzship long before marrying her (so he doesn't need her)- he married her in a church, he even baptized his 3 children and are in catholic schools, yet when their mother took them to UK for a visit to see their grandma, their grandma rejected them and literally said "Too semetic, too dark" - true story, she told me that herself, she cut ties with her mother ever since.

Her half sister also married an arab man, an iraqi i think, but he is a CEO and rich af; he doesn't need a western woman either.

Another relative man I know got married to a French lady ages ago and has two daughters from her, but he is a medical SURGEON, while she was just a teacher. He quickly got a honory french citizenship, he also didn't need her eh.

So who is getting the ticket out of poverty in these cases?

A poor middle eastern (or even poor asian, aby poor foreigner) man marrying a western woman, and getting out of poverty thanks to her, is a scenario that simply doesn't exist nor it can happen. We still don't hear about it even after the Syrian refugee crisis that reached western countries.

The other way around does tho:
a poor eastern woman marrying a western man. We hear a lot of female syrian refugees marrying Turk and Westerner men.

Even poor western women getting Saudi men exist.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 30 Oct 2017, 1:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think it's just you. Women usually have much more idealistic view of love. Men usually complain that they can't find a girlfriend. Women complain that they can't find the true love, the right guy, the one.

I think the biggest bar to you finding someone right now is the fact that you're depressed. Being unemployed, overweight, and living at home as an adult are depressing so you've a right to feel down, however, you're only 21, and while your hormones might be shouting NOW NOW NOW, you really do have plenty of time to get your life going more in the direction that you would like it to go in.

You seem to feel that you know how you are going to feel if you do certain things like eat less rubbish and exercise, and that if you get a casual job it will not help you get a girlfriend, all of that is the depression talking, you don't know how you are going to feel. When you eat less rubbish your body gets used to it and that becomes the new norm and the same with exercise, you just have to improve things at a rate you can handle. I always feel like doing the least when I've done the least. And you don't know what a girl is thinking, there are 3.5 billion of them, ok there not all in your area, but I'm constantly surprised at the guys women I know go for, and I'm female. There really is no logic.

If that was as big a problem for you as it is for me, I'm sorry to hear that.

I've tried doing the gym and what not in the past but I've never been able to get myself into a sustainable routine as of yet. The good news for me is my gym is on my street whereas my old gym was like 2km away, so I don't have to factor in a bike trip to and from, which is going to mean I'll be more inclined to go.

I've been a few times lately. Only walking a few kilometres on the treadmill at the moment to get myself used to the environment. They offer free classes during the week including HIIT, yoga and pilates, so I'm intending to start joining in on those soon.

Some of my problems with the gym in the past have been knowing what time to go, what to do and sometimes how to do it (getting my form properly). Any ambiguity throws me off. I need an exact plan that I can follow to the letter, and I've tried devising one, but I get overwhelmed trying to figure out every necessary detail.


Okay, firstly, I mentioned my living situation to provide context. I know a job has to come first, so at this point, my living situation isn't something I'm overly concerned about changing.

When I mentioned that these changes are going to feel like work, what I was really meaning to say is if I have to cut down on things that help me cope as well as tasking myself with more work, as well as obviously dealing with what I'm already dealing with, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to treat myself to to at least provide me with some happiness/good feelings while I'm struggling, or really how I'm supposed to find enjoyment in life during this transition period. I need something to look forward to throughout the day to counterbalance the depression. In the absence of something to look forward to, I become apathetic, and that's not going to help my motivation.

When I said junk food, it was meant as a catch-all term to refer to everything I consume that is unhealthy. The main culprit is the 600ml iced coffees from the shops. I tend to have at least one or two a day. There have been days where I've had three or four as well. I also probably have too much fast food, and when I get chocolate, I don't ration it well. Having food aversions and not much in the way of cooking skills means that I can be a hard person to feed.

While I'd like to meet new people, I'm under the impression that people don't want to make friends with someone who's jobless and depressed. Last time I tried meeting new people, I found myself wandering around awkwardly a lot, because I didn't know how to join in to already-established conversations, and I often could not come up with a relevant contribution to conversations I tried to join, so I didn't get to say much and didn't make any lasting friendships. That was when I was at uni. I have even less reason to be confident now.

What I actually said was

Don't know how you got that I was pursuing skinny girls from that, but ok. Yes, I myself am overweight, but I'm not obese.


I do get SSI.

I'd be totally open to dating someone who is on the spectrum, or who has depression and/or anxiety. I don't really know how I'd go about finding such a person any more than I'd know how to find a compatible NT though.