Emotional Support

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A few days ago I felt depressed. I told my girlfriend and she reacted badly. She got angry at me for not feeling happy.

I feel like I need some basic emotional support in a relationship. Not too much, basically I just need for them to listen to me when I feel sad and maybe say some kind words. I don't expect anything too elaborate.

But perhaps I'm still asking for too much. I realise that listening to a depressed person talking about how much they hate themselves probably isn't very fun. It's probably really boring. So should I just keep it a secret?

I think there are some people who only want to have a relationship with happy, positive people. That's their prerogative but it means if I feel sad I have to keep it a secret which feels horrible. Sometimes I just have to let it out but to whom?

It doesn't help that my girlfriend is very much into traditional gender roles and she views depression as being unmanly.

So in general, what can I do when I feel like I need to vent to someone but I don't want to bore them with my self-loathing? How can I deal with my depression in a way that won't put girls off?

I am gonna reply as if this is a Men’s Forum:

You did the rookie mistake that every inexperienced man does at some point: Telling your woman of your depressing thoughts and feelings.
Never show weakness to them, it turns them off big time - you may have heard that they like to listen to emotions, but not that type of whining/ defeatist emotions.

You need to read other men’s experiences on this matter, it’s very universal. It’s very real, and it’s a very ugly truth in men’s lifes.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 03 Dec 2017, 10:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

"So in general, what can I do when I feel like I need to vent to someone but I don't want to bore them with my self-loathing? How can I deal with my depression in a way that won't put girls off?"

Find a partner who is right for you, she will understand and support you. That's the point of having a true partner in your life. If you still "feel" shes "the one" then get couples counseling to identify ways the two of you can communicate better. Keeping Depression hidden only makes it worse.

Does this happen often or was it the first time? If the former then you should seriously consider if you really want to be with someone who can't stand a sign of weakness from you. If the later then try to talk things out with her, tell her that you have the right to feel down and the right to get support just like everyone else. If she doesn't even try to understand, doesn't want to talk about it and gets even madder then, well... it doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship. Seriously, consider your future. Even if you two can have great time together, it won't last if one of you demands for distance at the first sign of trouble. If you do get her to listen then that's obviously good and shows that she cares about you since she's willing to go against her traditional views on things. Even if she doesn't understand what you tell her, if she listens and at least tries then it won't be so hopeless. Not everyone can understand each other from the beginning, especially if they don't have similiar experiences.

You're definitely not asking for too much and a proper partner needs to listen to their loved one when he or she needs it, that's what the emotional connection is all about. However, you should avoid complaining about the same things over and over again to the same person, because that can really get on people's nerves (trust me I know; I'm often both the complainer and the one who is complained to.) Also, try to avoid complaing just for the sake of complaining and actually ask and listen to advice. If you just want to let out steam then you could just write your thoughts somewhere... like create an entire topic here only meant for venting? Is there already one? This place could use one.

And no, definitely don't just keep it in, bottling up one's emotions isn't a good idea. If you feel like you can't talk to your girlfriend then try to find someone else who you can talk to, perhaps someone who has been in a similiar situation.

So when they say they want men to be able to express their true emotions, it's a lie.
When they say they want to put less pressure on men to act manly, another lie.

It's happened a few times and also with a previous girlfriend. I agree with you that I should be able to vent rather than bottling it up.

I realise that repetition can be really annoying. Usually I get most repetitive when I'm dealing with a decision where I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place because those decisions usually lead to me thinking in circles.

At least this is my experience as in Eastern cultures but I saw threads in another forum by westerners telling the same stories; if I recall right, your gf is Chinese, no?
Honestly Retro, I don’t think WP is the right forum for a such brutely non-PC men-to-men discussion, we may both end up banned if we go on on this point.

Now I would give the benefit of doubt that she wants you to be happy, did she really stop being attracted to you?

This is the truth.

Whether you choose to accept it or deny it is up to you.

You're not asking for too much if you want your partner to be supportive, assuming that you're not always purely negative about everything and the two of you can have fun times together. Depression is contagious, if you spend too much time together (like living together) and the depressed person constantly expresses their (always negative) feelings. The problem wouldn't really be that listening to a depressed person may be boring, but that it may be depressing. Either way it doesn't sound like this is the case here.


Bottling it up would only make it worse. Expressing your feelings here is probably better than nothing but it's definitely not the same as having an actual person to talk to.


(Assuming it's the same Chinese girlfriend)Your girlfriend expects a lot from you. Her father expects even more from you. You expect a lot from you. It doesn't seem like the best basis for happiness (especially if they expect even much more from you than you do yourself), if you don't enjoy what you need to do to achieve what they and you want you to achieve, but would only enjoy the end-result.


I guess you don't have any close friend or family member yo could trust with this either?

I think what Fireblossom said is quite right.

It’s w lie. Women on women even say they would find it s turn off. They say expressing our feelings is why women won’t date us. Men must be strong and happy 24/7 don’t cry at sad movies, don’t express your feelings and emotions, hide your anxiety. Confidence is want women want. Feeling sad or anxious isn’t confident. They leave you eventually if you show emotions other then happy, meanwhile they just want men to listen to their emotions, struggles and problems at work, most women are hypocrite.

North wind who decides if it’s always or too much? I see lots of women constantly complaining on Facebook yet they have boyfriend. My sister comes home multiple times a week expressing her upset feelings from church. Why is ok for women to always express emotions but not men? Why is there a double standard?
I’m emotional I was sadly raise by women who raised me to be emotional, I’m woman’s ideal man or atleast what they think is idea, but yet it’s a huge turn off to women. I feel sorry for other single mom boys they have no idea how their lif is going be screwd u by being raised to be emotional and feminine. Women like manly men not emotional expressive men or pansies as they call us. I’ve had women as friends who said I lacked confidence because. Expressed my anxiety and feeling with them, as soon as I stopp d then they were like wow you’re so confident where’d this come from. All I did is cut them off from my emotions and feelings. So guess if. Ever get a gf I’ll just have to had female friends who’ll I’ll be emotionally closer to then my gf. So in reality guess gf is just for sex and cuddles? Which is sad, I’d like to have a gf I could be completely open and myself with

Sly actually made a very good point about confidence vs not having confidence.

One of the most common thing that many women claim to want in men is “confidence”. No one can deny that.

Yet some of the same of those who want confidence in men , sometimes claim to want sensitivity in men too.

Those two things contradict, showing anxiety, weakness, sadness, indecisiveness, fear are all opposite of Confidence.

Those two “preferences” cannot coexist truly in the same person. You can’t be attracted to confidence and to weakness in the same time.

Logic says, if confidence is a big turn on for many of them, then the opposite of confidence is a big turn off.

It's like when women say they want a man who is fit, but not if he works out...

Use your words. Tell your girlfriend what you told us. She can’t read your mind any more than you can read hers. I’ve gotten angry @ my sister for dumping her negative bs on me. I’m not proud of it. We were never taught how to communicate or have healthy boundaries. I’m working on myself. That’s all one can do. As far as getting your need for emotional support fulfilled, I’ve found support groups help. There is no relationship without conflict, but do observe your girlfriend’s behavior for a pattern of emotional abuse, if there is one. Good luck.

My god I see this a lot too.

"I want a fit guy, but one who got it from sports not from spending "too much time" (aka what? 1 hr a day three days a week? Women average less hours of exercise per week than men, that's a statistical fact) in the gym because it means he spends less time with me"

There's a lot of skinny young men my age who are decently lean and despite their poor diets and no training plan they still have decent baseline/general fitness from all the sports they play with friends and cardio they get from swimming, cycling, skateboarding/surfing, parkour, etc. but they're not muscular and they have the 'flat skinny' look rather than the 'bulging lean' look. Yeah you can see their abs but there's barely anything there, and their arms look like skin and bones. Their legs aren't much better either.

Besides most of these guys depend on genetics and their fast metabolisms alone so if they once they get caught up in responsibilities and their metabolism slows they tend to fall off the wagon and continue their current unhealthy diet habits and get skinny-fat/fat-fat.

That's the best you can expect from a 'fit' guy who doesn't lift as even swimmers spend SOME time in the gym.

It’s like claiming to like Real Madrid *and* FC Barcelona in football.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 03 Dec 2017, 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I like Manchester United AND Manchester City.

It’s like liking both the Mets and the Yankees.