NT Gf seeking advice and insight

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Hello

This is my first post. I had joined a few months back when I had heard from my partner that he believes he may have AS.

He is undiagnosed and unwilling to get a second opinion.

Over the course of the seven months we have dated,  it has become increasingly evident to me that he does struggle. Often he becomes incredibly distraught for not feeling how he "should" feel or not reacting like he "should" react.

I want to know how I can best support my partner, if I'm doing or saying the right things... he won't tell me what he needs or how I can best support him. Maybe he doesn't know how to express that.

This past weekend we had driven to an event I was participating in. These things happened before the event. By the time we were sitting outside of the venue in his car, he was in tears. He mentioned these things to me.

-Two months ago he missed another event he wanted to support me in (This bothered him. We have discussed this, it's still bothering him.)

-This weekend traffic was bad on his way to pick me up
-We were late for the set up of the event
-The food we ordered for dinner was overcooked
-The other people participating in the event were not people he gets along with socially

He then said to me what he always says, "I shouldn't feel this way. I should be able to go in there and do what I'm suppose to do."

When he expresses this, I try assure him that it's okay to feel how he feels. That it's okay to stop and pause and recharge. Not to push himself if it's causing him this level of discomfort. I told him if he felt he was ready to challenge himself, he could do that too. If he wanted to go home, he could do that too.

We talked about how it's not one thing that sets this off, but an accumulation of the things he mentioned.

I told him that I appreciated all he had done to offer me support in one day. It really does mean alot to me. The ride, dinner, him helping me carry all my bags.

We talked and both agreed the best thing to do was for him to go home and come pick me up after the event.

He went home, took a nap and said he felt so much better.

Am I doing this right? Can I do something differently? How would you like to be received by your partner? How would you like to be supported?

He internalizes alot and is prone to periods of depression. These have been less frequent over the past two months, however I anticipate this will continue. I have told him to take the time he needs and that I will be here when he's ready.

Is this the right thing to say?

And the last thing... inflection. Rationally I know he doesn't hear himself the way I hear him. I try my best to take in what he is communicating; ignoring the tone he takes while saying it. It's challenging because I have an emotional reaction to his tone at times. The most endearing statement can have a hostile edge. He is not a hostile person.

Any other NT's have any reccomendations? I've just been pausing, then kind of process what he has said, then offer a response
It's still challenging maintaining the filter between my ears and my emotions

Asperger's people just don't do very well in "events."

I avoid them like the plague!! !!

Your partner is very earnest---and that's a good sign. He's investing himself in the relationship you people are having.

My advice is to reassure him that he's okay, and to support him when he's having difficulties.

Asperger's people have social anxiety. If he feels comfortable going to social events take him, and if he loves going to social events, take him to more until he feels completely calm and comfortable with them.

@NtNicole you actually seem to be doing very well, not sure if you need any advice. Although if you can get access to professional counselling as a couple, you should do that.

Sounds like me, as in an accumulation of tiny things that add up to make him pause before doing a task. I think he hesitates (or outright doesn’t) telling you because he may feel all these things appear really silly to other people. It makes me feel a bit silly if I mention these things, especially to a partner.

Not pleasant because most people will never see it as he does, maybe even getting impatient with him about it. So it’s not surprising he hesitates to talk about it. It would also definitely make him more vulnerable to criticism.

You’re welcome. By the sounds of it, you’ve done everything right. But, I’m one of those aspies who just doesn’t get noncommunication (anything longer than a few hours, unless you count work too). I find it just makes everything really uneasy for me in a relationship. I trust that person less, it makes me paranoid, and I think it’s highly inconsiderate of the other person, aspie or not, to communicate very little. I have noticed noncommunication seems to be a pattern in aspies, but I’m not one of them, as far as relationships are concerned.

In fact, I stay the Hell away from any aspie I even suspect to be that way. My life is too short to have long, drawn out heartbreaking misery over someone who can’t even take the time to reply to a text. It’s illogical. Even meeting someone just once a week isn’t enough for me, I’m affectionate and need the company. I’m OK being alone. It is far, far, far better than being in that type of relationship for me. I can’t think of many worse things than being ghosted. It’s horrible, and if it goes on for long enough, it feels like that person has died. They may as well be dead. Maybe it sounds a bit extreme to say, but it’s how I experience it.

On the other end, you could have a man who treats you like a queen, is highly passionate about you, wants to spend lots of time with you and will do anything for you. I want that man, not someone who feeds me crumbs.

I don’t honestly know how can anybody put up with a relationship with a lack of communication. I used to, and would be blamed or made out to be needy (which really hurts, FTR) and really it’s dickish behaviour. No, being alone is the best holiday in the world compared to that.

Having said all of that, I need my own space sometimes. Friends, family, I can very easily spend days or weeks without communication, and do. Those who understand (and honestly, I don’t know how they put up with me) experience months of no contact until I’m ready to talk to them again. Unless they need me. A partner though is completely different, I want to be around them (nearly) all the time and I want them to make a huge fuss out of me, cuddle me, kiss me, make me out to be the best thing that ever happened to them.

Although I can’t ever imagine loving a partner and ignoring them for that long, I would usually say in an aspie’s case, possibly B. Some people can work out their relationships to fit to the aspie, less so the NT. That doesn’t make it wrong, it just depends how far the NT is willing to stretch themselves and if they are OK with it.

*However* the fact he is talking to other girls he finds attractive, and giving them his attention, is absolutely being an a***hole. Ignoring you as well is disrespectful on top of that. It is wrong, and any aspie man (or woman) worth their salt will agree. If this man is insisting he is still in a relationship with you, that happened to me too once, it was horrible...it looks like he is trying to make you end it, which makes him a coward.

I hope that helps. Not all aspies are like that, there are lots of decent ones.

Have you spoken to him about it? What did he say?

^ Agreed. I should have worded that so the second paragraph merged more with the first. It does sound like he’s keeping his options open.

We're having a conversation now about what happened...

We've amicably admitted our shortcomings and offered apologies and explanations to clear up any confusion

That part went well

However now it's taken a turn, as we're discussing how empty he feels... I've known the past 3 years we were friends that he is cynical and can be negative. I don't love him any less

Can I ask something about that
About the empty feeling and things like feeling guilty? He mentioned he felt guilty because he doesn't feel things like I feel them. That I seem way more invested then he does. That he feels like a burden.

Are these normal things for aspies to feel?

Someone (possibly his parents, possibly with the best intentions) have planted in his mind a belief that feelings can be "correct" or "incorrect". And as his feelings often don't match those of the people around, he concludes that his feelings are "incorrect" and feels guilty about it.
It would be the best to reassure him every time that his feelings are just his feelings, they are the way they are, they can't be judged, there is nothing moral about what he feels, there is nothing wrong if he feels unlike the others. And it will take time for him to adopt the idea, if you have been told "X" for all your life, it is hard to get used to "not X".

I used to be like that, judging my own feelings, and it ruined my mental health in the long run. This is why I'm sure he needs to work on it too.