Anyone else find relationships/'love feeling' difficult?

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So I 've been in a relationship now for 6 months, and, yet again, just like in all the others before it, I'm asking myself if I love the guy and want to stay with him. Things were going so, so great between us, I missed him literally every single day, wanted to be with him, and then he moved in. 2 or 3 weeks later, I just feel, irritated, all the time. And maybe a bit trapped.

I'm finding it really hard in ways I wasn't expecting, like, stupid ways... like last week he played his guitar for 2 hours and I felt like banging it off a wall because the sound was driving me nuts and I had to fight like hell to concentrate. I keep walking around my house and not being able to find things, like 'where the hell is it??', and then I realise he's put it somewhere else. His breath smells like peanut butter, lol, because he's always eating it, and the smell of what he's eaten is just so overpowering sometimes I want to be sick. Every day I have to make conversation with him and give him attention, despite the fact that my head is just in a whole other place, like I just want to be left alone to read my books and really study like I used to and I can't and I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss reading in silence and not having to care about anybody else so much I want to cry.

He likes things 'varied', so we have to go different places and do different things, like go to the cinema or a Jazz night or see friends, and I'm like, I don't, actually, want to do any of these things. I literally just want to stay at home alone and read. That was me, that was my life, for years. And now, I feel like I have to try so hard to be as neurotypical as I possibly can to keep up with what he needs, to go out different places, give each other attention etc.... Might all this be the reason why I feel like I want to break up?

Having said all of this, he is an absolute angel. When I go to 'fulfil my duty to act like a neurotypical' and go out to see a 'friend', coming home stressed out, he asks me how it went and how I am. He never pushes me or criticises me. and spends almost all the free time he has doing DIY to try and improve our now home. Which just makes me feel guilty, like I'm using him. I do like him so so much, when he walks in the room I feel happy and even now I'm looking forward to him coming home, I just feel more and more like I want to lock myself away somewhere alone for a month with a stack of books. I hug him and feel happy, only to think 'but do you love him?', and I honestly don't know, I don't even know what love is!

Does anybody else ever feel like this?

All those small things like peanut butter breath and playing guitar are not the actual problems. The reason those small things annoy you, is because you are not attracted to him.
This relationship has no future in my estimation, you're just keeping him around because he is useful.

I'm not living with a guy (or anyone) and am not even in a relationship, but I wonder about the changes that would happen in my life if I ever got in to a relationship serious enough that we'd move in together and the changes are usually little ones like that. The idea of them usually makes me anxious and you're actually living it now, so I can only imagine how hard that is. To me it sounds like you do deeply care about him, but the problem is with the fact that you don't really know how to... be with each other? From what I understood you've only lived together for a short time, so having problems like these is probably normal. My advice (which is not based on experience and so should be followed with caution) is to sit down with your boyfriend and calmly disscus about the things that bother you (and remember to ask him if there's something he finds difficult.) Then you can try to solve these problems together and make compromises, see if you can make life a little less stressing, together. Again, this is coming from a single woman, but I think that proper communication is one of the keys to a succesfull relationship. Might be hard for an autistic person, sure, but autism is not an excuse not to try.

Thank you for your advice everybody, although I honestly don-t think this is a case of just wanting him around because he's useful...

Approximately 8 months ago I came on this forum writing about almost the exact same problem, except on a much more intense scale, with a man I was in a relationship with for 2 years and friends with for 3. There were periods I felt very much in love with him, and periods when I felt not in love with him. I asked the psychologist who diagnosed me about it and she told me she has an Aspergers client who doesn't even know if she loves her own kids because when they go away she doesn't miss them and she too feels she's lying to them when she says 'I love you'. I remember my mother telling me my father had apparently told her he didn't know what love was, not even for his children... I know think he's where I inherited my Aspergers from.

I have no close friends except those I speak with via the internet and see once a year. When my best friend left the country I didn't miss him. I am like this with everybody. I know I do care, and if they need anything, I'm there for them. But most of the time I'm like, just get on with your own lives because I'd rather be doing my own thing and spending time socialising with people is like a waste of time for me.

Considering that autism is kind of defined by the lack of interest in social relationships, I would expect it to have some impact on a person's experience of being in a relationship, such as, in my current condition, moving in with a boyfriend for the first time in my life. It seems like a lot is talked about the difficulties people with Asperers have communicating with others, and less about the emotional experience of being in a relationship... or is it just me that doesn't seem to experience the same level of affection or desire for relationships that other autistic people do?

^ Hmmm, I get you now... your post scares me ,it makes me wonder If I am the same.
My gf complained before that I am not as affectionate as I should be.

Having to deal with someone 24/7 will eventually get you tired and irritable no matter how much you love them. That's why many introverts prefer to live separately or at least have separate rooms to spend time in during the day. Maybe that would work for you? Or making a partially overlapping schedule - it would be nice if for example one of you would be working 9-5 and the other 14-22. You would see each other only in the mornings, evenings and weekends, despite living together and each of you would have 5 hours of home alone time.

BTW: Living together is nothing like dating. During dates both of you do everything to show your best side. When you live together it's unavoidable to see the quirks that might even make you hate them. That's why "not living together till marriage" some environments advice is so stupid idea - there should really be a testing time before you sign the contract.

^ I think they are incompatible.

I think she likes the guy very much--maybe loves him; she just gets irritated with him sometimes.

This might be the clincher: how do you feel when he makes love to you?

I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your replies, it really helps me to hear the thoughts of other Aspies, especially those who have more relationship experience than I do!

He got home an hour ago and I was so happy, but then we after about ten minutes of talking about our days my head was like WORK WORK, I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK. And yet he's so adorable and when he leaves the room I'm like, 'but will you come and sit next to me while I work?' (He-s a programmer so he'd just be working too... I want him near me, I just can't stand getting distracted...

As for the making love, honestly I'm having real problems with that too. I think I have physical hyposensitivity... I really feel like I'm in a dream most of the time and not just with him but guys in general, I feel like I'm not physically there... I have to imagine being with him (whilst being with him) to enjoy things... otherwise I'm just off in my head somewhere and don't even realise what's happening physically. I recently noticed it's the same with exercise...
On Saturday we did an abs workout and I was doing planks and I told him I just couldn't feel anything, like no burn, no muscle tension... I just did a plank for a minute and was like, but it's not doing anything! Yet my whole body was violently shaking from the tension of the position and I was like why am I shaking so much when I can't feel anything? I've had it before at a stretching class where the teacher pushed me into the splits and I was just like, interesting.... I feel like because I'm so distracted / in my head I don't really experience what's going on physically.

To be fair I don't really experience what's going on emotionally when I'm in my head either... with my last boyfriend I used to notice I'd be so into him whilst hanging out with him at weekends, but then on Mondays I'd completely forget he existed... because I'd start work again and then just get lost in it...

I definately feel like my 'love' feelings disappear when I'm thinking about work, it's like no person could interest me as much as the ideas I'm brewing over...

Sorry if that was a way too explanatory answer... I just wish I knew if other Aspies feel like this or if there's something wrong with me or my relationships, but I feel this way about everybody, friends, family, everybody... it's like half an hour of socialising and then I've just gotta go...

What you are describing may be "alexithymia." It's at least fairly common within people with Aspergers/autism. I'm definitely NOT concluding that it is "alexithymia"--but it's a possibility.

It means one has difficulty expressing emotions, or perhaps even FEELING emotions----especially in "real time." There are people who really "don't know what they're feeling" at times. But they frequently know later.

Many people with "alexithymia" experience emotion in retrospect, not in the "moment." I'm like that sometimes.

My wife once almost drowned in a flooded road in her car. She called me. I just sat there and didn't say anything for a few minutes. I didn't FEEL anything---even though there was a person who just got saved from drowning!

She noticed that-----she became convinced that I'm "deficient."

By the way, I do believe you really dig this guy---perhaps even love him. Don't ruin a good thing. Just communicate with each other. Perhaps look up "alexithymia" and discuss it with him, if he's willing. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I get this problem too. I can get girlfriends but it's hard for me to fall in love with them. I can care about them. I can feel attracted to them. Most of all I fall in lust with them. Perhaps the girl I can love is one in a million, meanwhile I could be dating someone else.

I find this interesting to read from the NT perspective. It is helpful to understand what you are feeling or not feeling in a relationship. I would say all the things you speak of the irritants and wanting your own space are normal within an NT relationship too. I think the issue is you feel so much more . . . .have you tried to explain this to your boyfriend. Maybe you can agree days of periods of time that are just yours to disappear into your own world.
A question for you. If he were to say he also finds the relationship difficult and he walked away would you be sad?
Take care

She really, really likes the guy, I sense.

I agree kraftie

I’m just trying to understand how the alexythmia thing works in these situations